Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

I just made an appointment with a coach, as I recognize I am not doing what I need to do and I need some guidance before I drive myself bonkers.

[hopefulinga]

Musing on the EA vs. friendship with this woman. And I know I need to let it go. I think journaling about it helps me get beyond yet.

I know that she is playing damsel in distress and I am sure my H's ego is inflated by all of the attention and he feels like a superhero. She has confided in him about details of the split of her marriage and what a nut her exH is, as well as when she had him arrested, etc. For a while, it was like a play by play last year and then it stopped.

My H does still share with me, including the crap about her, but obviously not everything, like the pics he sent last night. So, I take comfort in the fact that he still shares his feelings with me and his hard days at work. Do I like these emails? No.

Which brings me to my internal stuggle of GAL and feeling like this stuff will get worse if I pull too far back.

[scaredsilly]

I think it's ok to have relationships with the opposite sex. Discussing relationship problems, life problems, etc., during working hours, with co-workers...fine.

Evening texts, emails, sharing photos...not appropriate. Just my opinion.

[hopefulinga]

Thanks, SS. The pics were of an island in the Bahamas, not of him. I don't think he's ever done that. And she sends pics of crap like a rainbow at her sister's house. The emails are few and far between but the one she sent this am was over the line. You've cheered me up a little bit.

And she is not a co-worker. He met her at the place he eats breakfast, which is with a large group of people and includes at least one other person that I know. Any relationship talks would happen over the phone or at breakfast. To my knowledge, very little talk occurs on the weekend, and if it is after work, it is before he comes home. If she's called while I am around, he's never answered.

So, I think I have to trust him here and stop screwing with my own mind. I do believe she is trying to get his attention and/or pursue him. I think he likes the attention but I don't think his info sharing really "means" anything to him. I've seen this same type of thing repeat over the years with different women he's met on job sites.

I think I am trying to agree with you in my mind. I have my insecurities and jealousy issues that I need to work through. I did buy the Learning to Trust book.

H did just call me from the Bahamas, which I did not expect. And he actually left me a voice mail because he was calling from a strange phone number. I don't think he's left me a VM since before we got married or shortly there after. I was floored.

I called him back, as I was on the phone with a client when he called, and we talked for about 5 minutes. I was very cheerful and told him that I was happy he was finally able to go to the Bahamas. I asked him about the flight and his uneasiness with being over the water. So, I tried to discuss issues that I knew would show I am listening to him and am interested in what he thinks and is doing.

And he started whispering and told me that being there was not his cup of tea and that he would rather be home so that he could ride his motorcycle. He also told me he would call me after dinner.

So I am going to take this PMA I now have and put the negative out of my mind and enjoy the rest of my day! I am taking D16 out to dinner tonight for Japanese (her pick).

I'm so glad to have this board and to know that I am not the only one struggling. And I am grateful for everyone's input, ideas, reassurances and suggestions.

[mamabird]

Glad you got that coach. I hope it really helps.

Try not to snoop if you can help it. It really can do so much more damage. Not to justify anything, but snooping really hurt our M because my H jumped to conclusions after snooping. It is hard not to do that.

Keep breathing Hopeful. One day at a time.

[hopefulinga]

Yup. I haven't snooped in a while. And I thought I had gotten beyond the need to want to do it. I think this whole thing with what happened last year has made me uncomfortable and I know he's been back in communication with her because of it. I am trying not to jump to conclusions and I believe what he tells me. I also believe that he is not trying to do anything inappropriate and some times does things without thinking of the implications.

I think that I know how much I love him, and despite where we are today, he is a very exciting man and can be very caring. I've always said he was nice to a fault. I know that I am insecure about our M and I need to change that. Being nice to him is what I should be doing anyway, but I find it awkward sometimes because I haven't been doing it. And like I said, he's like a drug. To both men (in a friendship way) and women. It's like fly attractant. I used to kid him because while he is out of town, no one hangs out at the airport. He is the center of the action.

So being insecure, jealous, clingy and whatever else I am right now, I don't want to see someone who has nothing to lose and everyone to gain move in on what I am trying to salvage.

I am trying to take one day at a time. And I'm trying to breathe and think of the small steps we've taken over the past few weeks. I think I got overly excited about them.

I looked at what was on your wall, LA, about the D and moving out and I can feel that in my sitch. H knows I do not want a divorce, and I really don't think he does. I believe that sometimes he may think that having me out of the way will clear up the problems. And I know he says things to keep me off balance and to hurt me. I think the way I responded to him last night probably threw him off a little bit. I generally always argue back and raise my voice. I'm not saying I didn't defend myself, but gave it up when he wouldn't buy it and walked away.

I do think he missed me last weekend and that he misses me now. I think he may have also told me, or was starting to tell me, that he loved me when we got off the phone. We were both talking at the same time.

[hopefulinga]

I had a nice dinner with D16 and did the best I could to keep my thoughts off of H.

I am going to spend part of tonight reading DB to prepare for my coaching session tomorrow. I have a few goals written down and know of a few things I need to write down. I also need to work to make up for being distracted today.

I think I am going to go to the YMCA to look at memberships and swim times. I am pretty sure that I may have to leave work early to do it, but I know it will be worth it.

[BklynMom]

You are on the right path.

If your h has a fantasy about how great his life will be once he is d and he can be with the swooning OW, he will not wake up over night but you are doing everything right - listening, validating and doing stuff for yourself. When he is ready to wake up he will see a beautiful and self confident woman and mother of his child (that does count)

[hopefulinga]

Thank you so much Bklyn. That means a ton and lifted my spirit. I have lost some of my confidence and he has commented about that over time, and about my being insecure.

I don't believe he thinks life will be great and he can be with OW. I think he sees me as the root of all evil. He admitted to me when this first started that I was not the only problem, but he felt like I was going to give him a heart attack(not the first time I heard that).

I read some DB tonight and made notes of what I was doing when things were better, even over the past few weeks, and of what his complaints are. Now, I'm tired.

H didn't call me or D like he said he would, but I am not reading anything into it. He said they are on an intinerary and didn't know when he could call. I will not call because I don't want to pursue. He may have also had a confrontation with one of the people there, or maybe they are having some level headed discussion to resolve the issue.

Since he says he didn't like it there, I think I will probably hear from him at some point.

[hopefulinga]

H called a little while ago and told me he was getting ready to go out on a boat and wanted to talk to D. I see a small step here because he could have called her phone and not mine. And he did tell me what he was going to do and not just "Hi let me talk to D".

I was very up beat, asked him if he was having any better of a time and he said no.

He talked to D for about a minute and then she gave the phone back to me. A little bit more small talk.

I did tell him I loved him when I said goodbye this time and he just said ok, which is fine. I do not say it every time. I am aware that DB says not to say ILY. I go back and forth on whether or not I should. I get the not pressuring him, but I don't want him to think I'm not trying or have abandoned him.

Several years ago we went through some rough patches and some friends were aware of the tension. I started to read about filling his love bank, etc. I started trying to show him more respect. One of his friends told me that H was changing because I was showing him more affection.

I feel like this is one of those catch-22s for me.