New thread, some background and then the new stuff:
Background:
H 38, Me 37, boys 4 & 7, Married 1988
Fall 02, H travelled tons, I thought he should be home/with boys more--nagged/cold shoulder/angry with him--all backfired, 11/02, tells me he wants D. He gets phone calls on his cell that he suddenly must take outside. Snoop only once, woman's name he works with. He found out I snooped--ugly scene
11/02 Join this BB as JackieH, but change name as too obvious in case he snoops
Winter 02/03---see MC, she's not great, but gets us through worst part. I DB butt off. H tells me that I was so miserable last fall that drove him away, likes my disposition better now.
Spring--I get my first ILY. Still very infrequent. He rates our M as a 6 out of 10.
Summer--He plans mystery family vacation to CA, great time, the two of us go to Europe together, wonderful.
Mid-August--H talks about cruise for our 15th anniversary, has been a bad year. Book tickets to Orlando for family vacation. He turns 38. Becomes miserable. Tells me it isn't going to work, he doesn't love me, good times aren't enough, doesn't feel like shouting from roof top that he loves me, feels empty inside. His life is half over and he doesn't want to spend the second half wasting it away with me. Mystery phone calls begin again.
9/5 -- moves to a hotel for 10 days. Decide not to tell parents anything.
9/18 -- home, but apartment hunting. Finds apartment, should be ready mid-October. Has not put money down yet, as far as I know.
10/8 -- He backs out of Disney vacation that we planned in August--he had told me then that we deserve to go have fun as we have had a rough year. I take kids alone.
10/15 15 year anniversary
11/3 Tell kids Dad will be moving into own townhome. They are excited at the prospect of hanging out with Dad without me around.
11/5 He moves into his new home.
11/7 He comes over while I'm gone and clears out all his stuff.
11-12/2003 He begins to see a therpaist. We spend T-day apart. For Christmas he spends Christmas Eve here and we do just our family thing. He invites me to his family X-mas. I go, it is weird, but I survive. The kids and I go to Germany on xmas day and stay 13 days. My kids and my nephew spend a good part of the visit fighting and the visit is very stressful. I try to not be upset when I talk to H on the phone about my vacation, but he knows it was tough.
Tuesday--H picks the kids and I up from the airport. Very excited to see us. He says he has some papers for me to go through, I thought they were just mail. Started going through, it was a letter to his property manager to end his lease 3/6. He also had done some research for us to take a vacation in May together. He said ILY and that he had spent 2003 trying to break us apart and wanted to spend 2004 putting us back toghether.
He spends the night and we talk, the T he sees recommended Divorce Busting and he tells me some of the ideas in there! All is wonderful, he is happy to be around us. Spends the next couple of nights here.
Friday--Pinewood Derby race for son, our car has a bit of problems, I try to varnish it and the paint is sticky and fingerprints, the wheels rub, just an awful thing. S is disappointed his car doesn't look good and it ran badly on the track. We are all dissapointed and the happy atmoshpere of the week diminshes. (H is very competitive)
Saturday--The race, S is first to be eliminated. He wants to stick around to see his friends race, but H wants out of there. We go shopping and just can't seem to get the mood back. H is aggravated with kids and day just doesn't have a good feel to it. He spends the night, but wants to go to bed at 9, not interested in doing anything in the evening.
Sunday--we do church, H still not in good mood, I'm feeling anxious, is all the hope of the week going to be thrown away? He stops initiating ILYs. He still isn't wearing his wedding ring. I need to work, he takes the kids to the farm show and they spend the night at his place.
He makes comments about if he is here that night (when talking about the week), I asked his schedule of when he'd be staying here and when at his house, as he said he wants to spend some nights there, but he just says he doesn't know.
I feel if everything isn't perfect, he is going to bolt. I don't know if I'm just being jerked around. He was so excited on Tuesday about his goals, but I don't know if the reality of us being back and the kids being annoying just was too much, that he conveninetly forgot how hard being a parent is and he is gone.
I want reassurances from him, but I know not to ask. But the pit in the stomach is back. The tears are back and I'm just tired of picking myself up again and again.
Jackie dear - time for the big Act As If. H needs to see that things will be different if he comes home. That he'd be coming home to an exciting nEW R, not the same old one.You need to keep up the 180's and pique his curiosity. Remember, too, that his grouchiness is probably a symptom of his depression - I find with my H that the happier and more playful I am, the quicker those moods pass- whereas if I REACT to his mood, we both get grouchier!
Make some big future plans with H. Vacation, training for athletic event? Read the Five Love Languages with him and talk about what his are. Meet his needs. Go out without the kids - heck, go away without the kids. Work hard on your diet and exercise.
THe rollar coaster sucks. I can understand how you are feeling. That is one reason why I went ahead and filed for my D, and just backed away and let her have what she seemed to want.....I couldn't take the limbo, and it seemed one sided anyway.
And sometimes I think maybe I was too hasty.
So, try and hang in there. There are so many positive signs, and maybe someone has to be outside the circle to really see them. You are so close to the sitch, and you have been through so much. It is so easy to see only the negative. I know.
So, I'm here to tell you that there is more positive than ever in your sitch. He doesn't want to lose you, that seems apparant, to me anyway. There are other things working on him that are bringing him down, IMHO. What they are, I can't say.
Quote: He said ILY and that he had spent 2003 trying to break us apart and wanted to spend 2004 putting us back toghether.
I can only speak for myself, but those are words that shouldn't be spoken lightly. He had a lot of time to think while you were gone. I don't know - it just seems as though he loves you, but is just LOST right now.
I guess what I am saying, is try and hang in there. It's hard, I know. But you have made progress. I know it's been uphill, and continues to be, and I know you things to level off. Hang in there. Don't give up.
Sorry for the ramble - just so hard to put into words what I'm thinking.
YOu mentioned that your H talked about the DB book. Does he know that you know about the book yourself?
If not, then tell him that you decided to read it so you can work together as he suggested. If you can refer to the principles of DB in general terms, as it applies to your R, I bet it will engage him in the process more.
Say "I sense that we are ______, but from what I read in DB, this is to be expected and ______ is what they suggest that we do isn't it? Do you think he would be open to that?
Just a thought.
You can do this. You've got him home (at least more often than not) so slow the pace down, keep the patience up and don't stress about the small stuff.
Take a deep breath...relax....
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Quote: . He said ILY and that he had spent 2003 trying to break us apart and wanted to spend 2004 putting us back toghether.
That's an amazingly powerful statement, but don't mistaken it as Heee's baaaackk!!!! and recommited. What he is saying is ... he going to try to work on it and there are going to be times when if feels daunting and overwelming. How many times do LBS get so frustrated by it all? ... and he is still in the midst of working on himself too, which is appearent by his impatience and lack of tolerance with the kids, etc... and he has a ways to go before he understands it all yet, so when it doesn't go so well, he is going to retreat, withdraw, because he is asking himself, "Why isn't this working even tho I want it to?" Block those thoughts that scream he wants to runaway, because you need to act "as-if" he is working thru this stuff. So you need to remain patient, back off and repect his space to work some of this stuff out on his own ... and when he looks for support be there for him. Its at times like this that you should try to encourage him and be supportive with comments like... "We're gonna learn how to handle this better ... Its gonna get better." ... "We have to be patient and you will see ... it will continue to get better."
Quote: ...the T he sees recommended Divorce Busting and he tells me some of the ideas in there!
Talk about an ironic twist to a sitch! Luv it!!! Yes this could open up a whole new avenue to work on improvements together. For instance, when mentioning "we're gonna learn to handle it better..." like with the pinewood derby, what could have done differently as an 180 so a better time could have been had by all?
If you can nurture H to be comfortable sharing with you ways to find solutions together, you will be building a bond where you both become confident you can make the best of anything and become happier doing it.
Wow - so many positive things have happened since you last posted!
I can understand how you must be feeling so tired - mental exhaustion is probably and understatement for where you might be right now...
It is so hard dealing with the way that your P's act when they are confused and hurting. It is even harder when we are confused and hurting ourselves.
Here is something that really helped me when I was DB'ing. When I was talking to Michele about my tiredness and frustrations during one of my sessions with her - she said that The X was probably feeling the same way I was. I know it sounds so simple - but it was so true. After that when I felt scared, anxious, tired, weary, frustrated, at my wits end - I reminded myself that The X was feeling the same way. It helped me understand where he was coming from and manage my reaction to his behaviors.
Hang in there Jackie. Your H loves you and wants to be M to you. I know it looks like he is making a lot of meaningless detours in trying to come back to you. But he has to find his way back to you on his own. Trust him and give him the time, and space he needs to find his way back to you.
Meanwhile, make sure that you take care of yourself, your own PMA and detach from your H as much as you can. The hardest part about DB'ing for me was the amount patience and endurance it required.
{{{{{{{{Jackie}}}}}}}}}}}
BTW: If your H is really receptive to DB'ing, you may consider scheduling a session with Michele herself. She is surprisingly affordable. You do the first session face to face and then follow-ups via phone. She sometimes sees each P individually first. You and your H (if he decides to participate) are welcome to stay with me - her office is just a few hour from where I live.
Great to hear that your H is home and that he's seeing a T to boot! He must be a very good man to come to you and tell you that he spent 2003 tearing you apart and wants to spend 2004 putting your M together, I am speechless.
Everyone above has made excellent points but I would like to add one more. If he is DBing now or at least reading the books, remember he is backsliding. If he is anything like me, you are going to be backsliding for quite a while.
Keep your chin up and your back straight, you have control of the R now. Make him see what he is missing, act as if. Like I told Nik, dump the kids on him one night and go out with the girls. Tell him you need a break from the "Year from hell".
Keep posting and good luck, we are all pulling for you.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Welcome back! Along with the fear and frustration, I see many positives here! Yipee!
I want to post more, but my time is limited today. I have been thinking of you, your H and the boys, and missing you lots! Thank you for your awesome post on my thread.
My H's father died suddenly on Friday, so I'll have very little computer time until next Monday. I'll be in for a little while today, and then some tomorrow, though.
I agree with the others here - I think you H's statement regarding working on your M in 2004 is huge. No, it doesn't mean everything will be perfect, beginning today, but it does seem to indicate awareness and a desire to try, which I also feel is huge!
There is so much more I want to write, but really can't right now.
Please hang in there, Jackie. You are doing so well. I really have hope for you guys. ((((((Jackie)))))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
... and he is still in the midst of working on himself too, which is appearent by his impatience and lack of tolerance with the kids, etc... and he has a ways to go before he understands it all yet, so when it doesn't go so well, he is going to retreat, withdraw, because he is asking himself, "Why isn't this working even tho I want it to?" 
Block those thoughts that scream he wants to runaway, because you need to act "as-if" he is working thru this stuff. So you need to remain patient, back off and repect his space to work some of this stuff out on his own ... and when he looks for support be there for him. Its at times like this that you should try to encourage him and be supportive with comments like... "We're gonna learn how to handle this better ... Its gonna get better." ... "We have to be patient and you will see ... it will continue to get better."
Luv it!!! Yes this could open up a whole new avenue to work on improvements together. For instance, when mentioning "we're gonna learn to handle it better..." like with the pinewood derby, what could have done differently as an 180 so a better time could have been had by all?
