How do I handle this without looking controlling or pursuing? I believe I have a right to know if she is with someone.
You're in a tough sitch to be sure and I really feel for you, it sounds terribly frustrating. While DB'ing is all about giving the spouse space to sort through their thoughts, your children's safety trumps that. If you truly think the kids are in danger then you should contact a lawyer ASAP and determine a course of action. This will likely involve hiring a private investigator to determine what your W is really up to. I'll warn you that this course will likely destroy all chances of reconciliation and foster bad feelings between you and your W, so pursue it only if you think the kids are at risk.
If the kids aren't at risk and you're just uncomfortable with the sitch but you still want to save the M, then read DB and DR and detach (from W, not your kids). Determine what your 180's need to be and put them into practice. DO NOT ask your W any questions about R, and do not say anything about D. Give her time and space and remove all pressure from her. Engage in only light, fluffy, happy talk with her. Spend 10% of conversations talking and 90% intently listening. Try to become her best friend. Stick to your 180's. Show her a new, more confident, better looking, perfectly groomed you whenever you see her. Review the 34 DB 180 tips constantly and live them.
