Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Maybe I'm not detached after all. W was over today to pick up D8. She decided that the weekend would be too busy and that D8 would probably be better off with me so she said she would pick up D8 and take her to school tomorrow morning(Kids have school on Saturday morning) so I agreed to that.

The encounter started off well enough. When she got here, I was out in the back yard, clearing rubbish to get things ready to eventually build the playground for D8 and the neighbourhood kids. She came and asked what I was doing and I told her. She seemed surprised that I would put so much effort into such a project (labor is cheap here and I would usually hire locals to do this). My D8 even commented that I was turning "local" (probably because I was doing hard labour - good 180).

W then said she was tired and a bit sick. We talked a bit about her work and when she had rehearsals and gigs and then we went in the house where she asked if she could lay on my bed for a rest. I told her she could and asked the maid to make her a cup of hot tea (I told her not to say it was from me). I then left her alone and went on with my business.

I noticed that there was a new guitar in the doorway so I had a look. It was the kind of guitar my W had wanted to buy for a while. I figured it was hers and when she got up, I asked about it (as any musician would about a new guitar). She was a bit dismissive and seemed uncomfortable, saying that she'd had it for a while (I don't think so because a few weeks ago she borrowed D8's guitar for a gig because her guitarist doesn't have an acoustic).

That's when I stepped in it. I asked her about her other guitar (it's my very first guitar which I bought in 1978 and which I gave her last year as she was the one playing it - it has a special place in my life and I gave it to her when I thought we were going to make it through this together), and she said she also needed it, so I asked why. I knew about her guitarist and I know she's lending him the other guitar and I have to admit, it p1sses me off but I didn't say anything.

She noticed and said that she would give it back to me then. I told her not to that it was ok, that i had given it to her fair and square and that it was hers to do as she wished. But I added that I still didn't understand how someone who works as a guitarist doesn't have his own guitar (we'd had discussions about this 2 years ago and as I was saying the words, I realised that I was stepping in it). I apologized and she again said she'd bring it back so I again told her to keep it.

As she and D8 left, I walked them to the car and asked W if i could use the car the following evening. She then asked why I needed the car so I said I might need it to go to a meeting (the 4X4 club). She asked again what kind of meeting would require me to have the car so teasingly I said to her:"aren't you the curious one?".

That's when she flipped. She got all defensive and said that it wasn't worse than me asking why she needed two guitars. I apologized and asked her not to get angry. I said that I was only teasing her and meant nothing by it. She then said she'd give me back the guitar as it didn't seem it was hers after all since she couldn't do what she wanted with it (for some reasons, the car was forgotten). I told her I understood how she felt and again apologized saying that it did affect me knowing that the guitar was now being used by some guy instead of by her. I told her I understood how she felt and asked her to please try to see it my way. I said I couldn't help the way I felt and that I would just have to deal with it because the guitar is hers to use as she wants. She angrily replied that she would bring it back, I got upset and asked her why she had to play the martyr on this. She said she wasn't as I walked away.

Not very good DB technique, is it?

Now I've been wanting to send her a text to again apologize for the way I feel and for letting her see how it affected me, but on the other hand, I did that already and she threw it back in my face so I don't know anymore. It's like I can't do anything right around her. Why is it that she doesn't see any of the good stuff but the first time I fu0ck up a bit, she's at my throat.

I know you're all going to send me 2X4s over this and I don't expect anyone to understand how it feels. I've had that guitar for nearly 35 years. It was my first guitar and I gave it to her out of love for her, as a sign that I trusted her, a bit like a wedding ring. Imagine your S was letting a friend wear the wedding ring you gave him.

Should I follow up on this or just forget it even happened?

Thanks,