Dealing with Anger

[chatterbug]

do not fall into the trap of paying no attention to what they say unless it is what you want to hear.

[Arsene]

No worries CB. I pay attention and I listen but I also don't believe everything she says. I try not to worry too much while keeping my back to the wall, just in case. Besides, right now I'm not likely to hear what I want to hear .

[Mrs D]

Hey Arsene - just checking in. Wow, alot of movement and you are staying pretty strong with everything. Kudos to you my friend. Dont have much to add since it seems you are getting great advice from all. Hope your day is going well.

[Arsene]

Thanks for dropping by MrsD. It's been an interesting week to say the least. But the PMA is still good and I'm having as little contact with W as possible. Sometimes I even go out of my way to avoid her. Last night I came back from work and the car was in front of the house so I went for a fresh fruit juice at a nearby food stall and did a bit of writing in my journal. By the time I got home 45 minutes later, she was gone.

I have to see her tomorrow morning though because I need to go and get my visa renewed and she's my sponsor. It'll probably go well.

[Arsene]

Well, the morning came and went. As we met to go to immigration, both of us seemed apprehensive. As if either expected this to be unpleasant. The mood lightened eventually but it was still very cold ane businesslike. We went to immigration and did what we had to do. My heart ached a bit as I had the photocopies of the marriage certificate done. I also remembered the many times we'd been there, in better days, doing pretty much the same thing as today.

As my W filled the forms, I looked at her and wondered why I was standing for a marriage with this person. She is no longer the woman I married. She is no longer caring, and loving, or even motherly. She's not fun to be with or lively anymore. She's not even interesting to talk to and she's so self-centered. Even the way she looks isn't so attractive anymore. She always looks tired and unkempt. She used to like wearing tank-tops and shorts and now, she's always covered from head to toe. I even noticed (during the move)that she had bought a full swimsuit, when in the past, she always favored the bikini, which she wore superbly. Who is this woman? Is she worth the pain I'm going through? Is my wife still in there, somewhere?

At one point the talk was on D8 and how the last time W was with her D8 cried and said she missed being cuddled by W in the evening before going to bed. W offered to take D8 for the entire weekend so she could spend time with D8 and I reminded her that she was working late every night this weekend and rehearsing everyday. W said it was ok, that she could still make time for D8 throughout the day and D8 could stay up late. I didn't argue but I offered that I'd be home with a friend and his kids and that D8 might enjoy it more. W agreed that it would also be a lot less inconvenient for her that way since she was going to be very busy but that she was worried about D8. I didn't say anything.

I wanted to tell her that D8 doesn't miss the occasional cuddle. She misses her mom, and her family. I wanted to hold her and tell her to come back to her senses, and to her family. I wanted to hug her and tell her how it's not too late to give it another try. I wanted to kiss her tenderly to see if I still felt something for her, if she still felt something for me. But instead, I stayed calm and cheerful and dropped her off without looking back. Now, I feel a bit sad but not as much as I thought I would.

Is this what happens when one detaches? Is this me falling out of love? Or is it simply a bad day (or a good one ? )

No worries. I'm still sticking with the plan. Just writing down my thoughts and impressions, which I'm sure will change by the evening. Cheers everyone

[chatterbug]

Your starting to realize that there is no cheese at the end of the tunnel you keep traveling down.

[25yearsmlc]

sounds like the beginning of detaching. Or a wacky day. But detachment is not a linear process, btw.

It will do two things, ideally. You'll feel better and move forward,

and your r with her will be less painful. SHE MAY notice and mind the detachment and move towards you, but OTOH, she may feel more at ease with it b/c of less pressure from you. So what?

SHE is not the reason you detach, you are.

Keep that in mind.

Arsene, You did see a L for expats right? So, you are positive if you two divorce, that your w gets to decide custody?

[Arsene]

Maybe I'm not detached after all. W was over today to pick up D8. She decided that the weekend would be too busy and that D8 would probably be better off with me so she said she would pick up D8 and take her to school tomorrow morning(Kids have school on Saturday morning) so I agreed to that.

The encounter started off well enough. When she got here, I was out in the back yard, clearing rubbish to get things ready to eventually build the playground for D8 and the neighbourhood kids. She came and asked what I was doing and I told her. She seemed surprised that I would put so much effort into such a project (labor is cheap here and I would usually hire locals to do this). My D8 even commented that I was turning "local" (probably because I was doing hard labour - good 180).

W then said she was tired and a bit sick. We talked a bit about her work and when she had rehearsals and gigs and then we went in the house where she asked if she could lay on my bed for a rest. I told her she could and asked the maid to make her a cup of hot tea (I told her not to say it was from me). I then left her alone and went on with my business.

I noticed that there was a new guitar in the doorway so I had a look. It was the kind of guitar my W had wanted to buy for a while. I figured it was hers and when she got up, I asked about it (as any musician would about a new guitar). She was a bit dismissive and seemed uncomfortable, saying that she'd had it for a while (I don't think so because a few weeks ago she borrowed D8's guitar for a gig because her guitarist doesn't have an acoustic).

That's when I stepped in it. I asked her about her other guitar (it's my very first guitar which I bought in 1978 and which I gave her last year as she was the one playing it - it has a special place in my life and I gave it to her when I thought we were going to make it through this together), and she said she also needed it, so I asked why. I knew about her guitarist and I know she's lending him the other guitar and I have to admit, it p1sses me off but I didn't say anything.

She noticed and said that she would give it back to me then. I told her not to that it was ok, that i had given it to her fair and square and that it was hers to do as she wished. But I added that I still didn't understand how someone who works as a guitarist doesn't have his own guitar (we'd had discussions about this 2 years ago and as I was saying the words, I realised that I was stepping in it). I apologized and she again said she'd bring it back so I again told her to keep it.

As she and D8 left, I walked them to the car and asked W if i could use the car the following evening. She then asked why I needed the car so I said I might need it to go to a meeting (the 4X4 club). She asked again what kind of meeting would require me to have the car so teasingly I said to her:"aren't you the curious one?".

That's when she flipped. She got all defensive and said that it wasn't worse than me asking why she needed two guitars. I apologized and asked her not to get angry. I said that I was only teasing her and meant nothing by it. She then said she'd give me back the guitar as it didn't seem it was hers after all since she couldn't do what she wanted with it (for some reasons, the car was forgotten). I told her I understood how she felt and again apologized saying that it did affect me knowing that the guitar was now being used by some guy instead of by her. I told her I understood how she felt and asked her to please try to see it my way. I said I couldn't help the way I felt and that I would just have to deal with it because the guitar is hers to use as she wants. She angrily replied that she would bring it back, I got upset and asked her why she had to play the martyr on this. She said she wasn't as I walked away.

Not very good DB technique, is it?

Now I've been wanting to send her a text to again apologize for the way I feel and for letting her see how it affected me, but on the other hand, I did that already and she threw it back in my face so I don't know anymore. It's like I can't do anything right around her. Why is it that she doesn't see any of the good stuff but the first time I fu0ck up a bit, she's at my throat.

I know you're all going to send me 2X4s over this and I don't expect anyone to understand how it feels. I've had that guitar for nearly 35 years. It was my first guitar and I gave it to her out of love for her, as a sign that I trusted her, a bit like a wedding ring. Imagine your S was letting a friend wear the wedding ring you gave him.

Should I follow up on this or just forget it even happened?

Thanks,

[Arsene]

Update

Text Messages

21:13 W-Hello Arsene. When do you need the car? Tomorrow?

21:36 Me-I'm not sure yet. I'm still waiting for a reply.I'll let you know asap. Hope you had a good time with D8. Good night W.

22:37 W-Good night Arsene

*W has never texted me just to say good night.

[25yearsmlc]

drop the whole apology thing. You already told her how you feel. She knows. She does not care enough to return it

and or she is angry at you for making her feel guilty OR for acting controlling with her (again, in her mind).

Update

Text Messages

21:13 W-Hello Arsene. When do you need the car? Tomorrow?

21:36 Me-I'm not sure yet. I'm still waiting for a reply.I'll let you know asap. Hope you had a good time with D8. Good night W.

22:37 W-Good night Arsene

*W has never texted me just to say good night.

she did not text you to say goodnight. She texted to ask about the car. Sorry.