After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[25yearsmlc]

first off

(((HUGS))) to you KG....you admit feelings I fear having!

And when it is all said and done, our worst fears even if we are not LBSers, is that down deep beneath our masks, we are horrible unlovable creatures.

-That our alcoholic parent might not have had so much to drink if we'd behaved better

-that our moms would have been more loving OR given us more one on one time, if we'd been better children,

-that our siblings would all be close to us if they didn't know the truth...

-that we'd never be lonely if we were good people...

but the truth is that beneath our layers, there is NO monster. We're just human beings who want to be loved and who want to love.

Others may teach us, via tough life lessons, how NOT to, or how to close ourselves off or how to feel fear, and lash out.

So we have to shed those false lessons and get back to our essence. B/C deep down you are a wonderful BRAVE strong woman who wants nothing more than to learn to love fully, as a mother and a mate.

And you are smart and talented and incredibly articulate too. That's the real you I see here.

ok... kids are in bed - finally.
I need to journal a bit more and get it all out of my system.

Rough day indeed and I guess I am being tough on myself, but if I have to look at things - just the hard, cold facts...
The truth is that I've had a YEAR AND A HALF to DB, to change, to show my H that from this moment forward things could be better with me.
Heck - to at least make him doubt.
Ultimately, to become the best me possible.

But the truth is that I have not been successful. Sure there are some areas where I have improved and I can say that I am 100% aware of my faults before and when they happen now. That I am good at taking responsibility.
And I am good even at having the best of intentions.

But the truth is that I am still a world away from being the best me ever. Of making my H doubt his choices. Very recently he told me that he gets anxious every time he comes over here. That he is always walking on eggshells with me and he does not want to and cannot live like that anymore.
(same comment he said when he first left.)

Just b/c he SAID that does not make it true. And even if it were true, let's face it. He does NOT want to believe you've changed, he's motivated NOT to believe it.

So there it is... The truth. Even if he wanted back, we would fail miserably because I am not where I need to be.

Why? Why am I failing?

Assuming you are accurate, which is a huge assumption, I'd say this is a Good question. It's for your c or t probably.

How are your r's with others going?

You sound like you have improved as a mother and that counts KG! That may end up being a lot more important than anything else you get out of this b/c 3 other people benefit directly...and who knows?

I can't help but think he'll see it too. Does not matter though, for now.

I know that I sabotage my own efforts because of my thinking of OW and just thinking that while she is around, I have zero chance.

try changing that tape. Be the better choice b/c of what a great mate and mother you are becoming. We all evolve as parents.

OMG trust me on that. My h and I are dealing with a really big issue for us with our d23 and I feel like I've been handling in on my own for 2 years now. (Well, h is overseas deployed right now so that's part of it) But even before, he did not want to discuss it. I went to see a c, (our old mc) about it and h assumed I was "hiding" a marital problem from him. Not so.

I was dealing with a parental issue that h did not help me with. So as I said, we all are evolving as parents too.

When she first came in the picture, everyone in my life and even here told me that there was no chance in He!! that they would make it. Too many challenges to overcome, etc. Well, it's been a year and a half and they are becoming more serious by the day.


Something that occurs to me at this point is the following. I always thought that an infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. Always... I am the most loyal person. When I give myself - to a friend or in a R, I will give 100% of me and trust that person 100%.
When I found about OW, I thought I could overcome it and we could overcome it. But my intense jealousy since then has made me wonder because I have NEVER been a jealous person. So why now? Why does it hit me so hard?


MAYBE, because of what you say next...

Perhaps I am kidding myself and infidelity is truly a deal breaker... H has been with OW for so long now and their R has been so intense that if it ever ended and we ever reconciled, there would be so so many triggers, reminders, challenges and things to overcome for both of us that I honestly don't know if we could survive anymore.

this is a powerful insight and a valid concern. Maybe it's why she bothers you so much. You think "well, realistically it's done and she won. And he won't regret it b/c he won't know I'm better and she'll get the improved version of him..."

And even if all of that is true, you forget that you are a better more loving mom than you were before and as a child you had some deficits in your upbringing your children will NOT have.

That matters.

And you shall become a better mate but perhaps with OM. Okay fair enough.

THen what? Then the "competition" is over b/c all that matters is YOUR Happiness.

If your ex h has a flat tire and your new man has a nicer car, it changes nothing in the "Score card". Your day isn't better b/c his is bad.

Your h's happiness or misery CANNOT be relevant to yours.

That's why OW cannot matter to you. You see her as proof of your badness.

She's not! So what if she's kind? I mean thank GOD, but so are you. And she gets the benefit of your mistakes. What do we know about HER xh?

And how do you think she'll feel having her kids half time? And your h raising HER kids? And he'll have to support them more, b/c her h doesn't make much and neither does she...oh, that's nice.

Don't skim over the future stresses they'll have. They have avoided them w/ a long distance r, for a long time, and you have APPEARED to be the obstacle to their happiness.

I might be wrong AND it might not matter.

But I'd say a year after they're finally free, married or not,

they'll open their eyes to how much pain they have inflicted on 5 children...and they will have to live with that.

So, maybe it'll be worth it, maybe not.

ALL YOU CAN DO IS MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR LIFE, from this day forward.

I'd consider dating if I were you. Can you at least entertain the idea?


Not as a tactic, but as a gift to yourself to remind yourself that dang it, you are desirable.

Plus, maybe at least to get your h to see you acting HAPPY with OM,(even if you have to invent him...)

might be easier than acting happy WITH your h,

and if you are right about there being too much water under the bridge now, then so be it. Forward movement is good.

But if it's truly truly over, then I'd do 2 things. I'd give myself the same forgiveness I'd have worked to give my h, and then I'd go right back to the

"All you can do is make the most of your life, from this day forward", motto.