busted affair again!

[25yearsmlc]

Before I go thru your post, I noticed you are not GAL much. TO me, GAL must involve meeting new people. And YOU CAN GAL even if you are so busy.

I lived in the interior of Alaska in the winter WITH a newborn and did a ton of GAL, b/c I had to. What choice did I really have?

I refused to surrender to the dark and cold of their winters...emotionally and socially.

You can GAL way more. JOIN something this week. Take a class, volunteer, coach, get into the parent teacher things, get involved. Your d17 will be out of the house soon. Do stuff with her b/c it's the right thing to do, (and b/c it moves most mothers) and b/c your d17 needs you now more than ever, but she may not express that.

use your remaining time better

Having just a crappy day. Went to d17 school with the W and I must admit I'm a little tired from work. Then to go to the school sit go through the periods were pretty tiring.

Hey, it's probably the last year you'll do that. Try to be positive about it. It's not fun to be around negativity anyhow and is that something your w mentioned as an issue?

I'm not clear on what she SAID her reasons for wanting out of the m are, other than OM.

And as for your d, Follow up with a teacher or two or ask your d questions about her classes and homework and any resources she might need for her college applications, etc.


Then I noticed W wasn't wearing her wedding ring so that added to my bad mood. I tried so hard not to mention it because I wasn't gonna let it bother me but it did and I did ask her. And her response is that she will wear it when she wants to.

so what did your asking accomplish? Remember that next time. INstead, you could have removed yours, or said nothing. But you HAD to ask her b/c "it bothered you". Hey, that cannot be enough of a reason b/c a lot of things are going to bother you in the coming year and

you cannot yield to temptation every time and blurt out your questions. Usually the answers are not what we want to hear. In fact they rarely are.

I don't know the whole time i was with them I felt out of place and also I just don't feel like me. I felt really insecure and not confident. I guess I'm not detaching well enough or not detaching at all for that matter.

true, you are not detaching yet. I'll post a short piece on detachment later but there are many posts around her on that topic. Look it up on the homepage or in the topics.


Then I realized that as I am almost feel like walking on egg shells and maybe I'm just trying to be too nice?? I feel like just letting go and just let what happen happens. I guess that's what detaching is? Im to the point that I'll do whatever I want to do and not worry about her.

I think right now I'm putting a lot of stress with myself to please my W? Is this normal for LBS?

It's normal but it's also very exhausting and hard to maintain. Something will have to give.

When you GAL , which we hammer here b/c it works, that will help you look more appealing to your w, feel better about yourself, and obsess less. You are not GAL FOR your wife, but it does have that byproduct, eventually. B/C how can you GAL and be content and pleasant and happy if she's made you out to be such a negative force?

BY GAL, you undermine her negative images AND you feel better too.

That will help in the detachment phase too.

I don't know I just feel beat up with this sitch. At one point maybe she's better off with the OM, I just felt inadequate for her. And maybe ill be happier with someone else. Maybe because I'm doing/worrying about what I can do on 180?

Today is definitely one of those days that I felt like giving up. Talk to me guys, I could use your thoughts.

Newman

Here's the piece on Detachment.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."