After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

ok... kids are in bed - finally.
I need to journal a bit more and get it all out of my system.

Rough day indeed and I guess I am being tough on myself, but if I have to look at things - just the hard, cold facts...
The truth is that I've had a YEAR AND A HALF to DB, to change, to show my H that from this moment forward things could be better with me.
Heck - to at least make him doubt.
Ultimately, to become the best me possible.

But the truth is that I have not been successful. Sure there are some areas where I have improved and I can say that I am 100% aware of my faults before and when they happen now. That I am good at taking responsibility.
And I am good even at having the best of intentions.

But the truth is that I am still a world away from being the best me ever. Of making my H doubt his choices. Very recently he told me that he gets anxious every time he comes over here. That he is always walking on eggshells with me and he does not want to and cannot live like that anymore.
(same comment he said when he first left.)

So there it is... The truth. Even if he wanted back, we would fail miserably because I am not where I need to be.

Why? Why am I failing?

I know that I sabotage my own efforts because of my thinking of OW and just thinking that while she is around, I have zero chance.

When she first came in the picture, everyone in my life and even here told me that there was no chance in He!! that they would make it. Too many challenges to overcome, etc. Well, it's been a year and a half and they are becoming more serious by the day.


Something that occurs to me at this point is the following. I always thought that an infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. Always... I am the most loyal person. When I give myself - to a friend or in a R, I will give 100% of me and trust that person 100%.
When I found about OW, I thought I could overcome it and we could overcome it. But my intense jealousy since then has made me wonder because I have NEVER been a jealous person. So why now? Why does it hit me so hard?

Perhaps I am kidding myself and infidelity is truly a deal breaker... H has been with OW for so long now and their R has been so intense that if it ever ended and we ever reconciled, there would be so so many triggers, reminders, challenges and things to overcome for both of us that I honestly don't know if we could survive anymore.

Perhaps I am thinking too much tonight.
And most of it not helpful...