No, it's not too much to ask. In fact, you illustrated it all very well. And I agree that it's different when your kids are younger -- I'm not sure I thought that far ahead. (I enjoy my S too much right now and don't want to think about when he moves away.) I can also relate to the no-contact sitch (oldest SD32) and t-o-t-a-l-l-y relate with the "guilty father syndrome." I know many blended families have similar issues, just a matter what what flavor of icing.
Your list is very much like one I would put together. It's really sad, too, because it seems so obvious to me, sort of like the "definition" of M. I don't think I should have to put on a list that I want my H to take a bath, for instance. (He does, just a hypothetical.) It just seems like some things should be automatically understood about M -- like your list -- and the conflict/issues should be around simple human differences, things like which end to squeeze the toothpaste tube.
The sad thing about hitting this growth point that you're at -- detaching enough to get a new perspective on what you want -- is then looking back and thinking that H isn't it. Especially sad when they finally turn the corner.
In all fairness to him, I'm sure he went into this marriage blindly, too, expecting everything to be perfect and that we'd all live happily, ever after.
Really, our biggest problem has been his daughter and their relationship. From all that I've read, there are lots of unhealthy father/daughter relationships in subsequent marriages with stepmothers. now I've seen it first hand.
This would be our biggest stumbling block to R. I think he would feel he would be betraying her (emotional incest going on here, too).
Our marriage counselor told him 10 years ago, if he didn't put the marriage first and we didn't present a united front, the kids would grow up and leave and we wouldn't have a marriage anymore. It's so predictable.
As you said, the very definition of marriage, by God!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Nope. My DIL and I were just discussing this tonight. I know he's very busy at work now so it's not something he would have the time to do while there.
But, one would think that by the very nature of the "need", he would give it a little more importance. He has evenings available.
We make time for the things that are important to us. I think he just doesn't get it. I don't know if he ever will.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I'm reading through some of your thread and this caught my eye:
Originally Posted By: scaredsilly
i think we, as women, try so hard to be what our H's need. i see some on here so depressed at not measuring up to what their H's require. they accept the negative evaluations given by these H's. i did, too.
all i can say to them is this: accept responsibility for what you know you could have been better at. however, it's not your responsibility to make someone happy. don't let them blame their unhappiness on you.
little by little, like a slow errosion, they chip away at our self esteem, blaming us for not being everything they want, changing that definition whenever it suits them.
know you are good. know you are worthy of love and respect. know you are not to blame for their unhappiness.
How true and how easy it is to forget. I'm glad to see where you are and where you've been. It is very encouraging to see your personal progress and getting to the point where you are happy and finding yourself again.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
But, one would think that by the very nature of the "need", he would give it a little more importance. He has evenings available.
We make time for the things that are important to us. I think he just doesn't get it. I don't know if he ever will.
I'll be very interested to see how you respond to this. Technically, it's not nearly as important in your case that he address it at this point, timely or otherwise, because you're already looking the other way (dropping the rope) though it should be important to him for that very reason. So you can keep on keeping on without his lack of response really impacting your stride in any way. It will be different though if you stop your progress and wait for him every time he says he will do something. And then he doesn't do it.
I'm curious because I feel like you're stepping into my zone now. It's virtually scripted that LBS's often eventually become the WAS. This thread is indicative of your reaching that point. Also scripted, now your WAS is looking back and noticing, thinking he might not want it afterall, blah-blah-blah.
This is the part that I need to see. Now that you've stepped away enough to know what you want in a S, and you're not sure your H has the capacity to be that person, and he's adding fuel to the fire by not responding in a timely manner, what next? How long do you wait for his response until it's too little, too late? How do you save your M when you're now the WAS and your H is not responding to your stated needs in order to help save it? When the only thing you have to look forward to if you go back to your M is more of what you had before, but now that's just not good enough?
Good questions. The answers are, I'm not waiting. I'm moving forward with my mind and soul. Should another man ask me out and I'm attracted to him, I'll say yes. My thoughts are of my future with my family and friends. His life belongs to him. I'm not disappointed that he's not put the question in a priority position in his life. In fact, I'm somewhat relieved as it confirms my opinion of his value for me and makes my decisions easier.
I really don't think I'm trying to save the marriage anymore. For that to happen, he would have to make a major commitment to me and to saving the marriage. As it stands now, I think he's keeping one foot out the door and sticking the other in the water to test the temperature. The water is very cool.
He has a lot of pride. My DIL thinks that he felt our M was unbalanced and that I was a strong woman and he felt he was too weak. She thinks he's been enjoying his position of power over me for all these months and now thinks, because I have given him an opening with the "question", his power is returning.
I won't be drawn into these immature games. My IC advised me to let my next romantic relationship be with a man of my own age. There's a lot to be said for that.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Well, he just sent his answer. I'm digesting it now. I'll keep you posted. He wants the rest of my list of what I need in a mate but I'm thinking he really needs to read how his daughter treated me first.
He needs to see her how she is and how she keeps her "evil" side hidden from him. I'm just not sure if I'm the one who should do it.
Seeing all she did to me would help him understand why I'm so adamant in what I gave to have. It's not a power struggle. It's self preservation.
I hate to be the one who breaks his heart about his "little girl", though...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Well that is really awesome for you! You sound so at peace with your direction in this last post of yours. Your earlier ones seemed sort of wavering (even the thread title.) So I'm really happy for you.
At the same time, I'm bummed for me. I was watching StubbornDyke's thread because she had a housemate she was dealing with who sounded just like my H. She was making such progress in her personal growth that I was hoping to learn something from her regarding how she handled him so I could apply it to my H. Unfortunately, she recently gave him notice to move out, so no help there. These recent interactions with your WAH sounded like something that I deal with all the time, and I was hoping for a similar lesson from you, that your growth these last months had provided you with the tools to work this through. Unfortunately (for me) your sitch has the same outcome as SD's -- termination.
If I was in your sitch with S being older, I could easily walk away from my H, guilt-free. I'm still trying to make the best of it for S12's sake, though, and I'm still looking for the elusive answer on how to do that. Thanks for letting me follow along with your sitch, and for responding to my inquiries.
With your son as young as he is, you might just have to bear it. I wish I had done that with my son's father. Looking back, it seems like such a small price to pay to have a happier child. (but then it didn't feel that way at all)
I hope you can find some peace. Things may change for you? If I can offer any advice it's acceptance. I have accepted that this is how my life is today and that's all I have to accept. I have the freedom to change course any time I want to.
I am the master of my own remaining destiny.
(((CV)))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
