After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Thank you, unbidden.

I had a couple of rough hrs. After I opened the mail I had to take the kids to soccer and be strong and smile for them. It was a really beautiful end of summer afternoon at the park after all.

On the drive back home, the tears starting coming out. When this all started and for months thereafter, driving became the place and time where I usually let go of my pain. It all came back today. I was lucky I was able to hide it from the kids.

For those moments, I went back to that dark ugly place. That place where everyone who has been left behind has gone - where you feel unlovable, rejected, replaced like a piece of furniture.

Them my worst demon came back - that nasty, nasty thought - It must be true. I must be the most horrible and worst spouse ever for H to have left me with a one year old, a two year old and knowing I was 10 weeks pregnant. The worst partner to have left after just a week after moving into our dream fixer, upper home. The worst to have thrown away 13 years of building a solid financial plan and the future stability of our kids.

That, my friends is my ugliest demon, my dark place, my worst thought that I thought I had crushed. And today, it came back.

So I am letting it be and I think it's almost gone.
I am starting to feel better. Having to do the evening routine helps - make dinner, bath time, clean up...
Now the kids are winding down and pretty soon it will be bedtime.

I will come back later. Today I need to...