No, it's not too much to ask. In fact, you illustrated it all very well. And I agree that it's different when your kids are younger -- I'm not sure I thought that far ahead. (I enjoy my S too much right now and don't want to think about when he moves away.) I can also relate to the no-contact sitch (oldest SD32) and t-o-t-a-l-l-y relate with the "guilty father syndrome." I know many blended families have similar issues, just a matter what what flavor of icing.
Your list is very much like one I would put together. It's really sad, too, because it seems so obvious to me, sort of like the "definition" of M. I don't think I should have to put on a list that I want my H to take a bath, for instance. (He does, just a hypothetical.) It just seems like some things should be automatically understood about M -- like your list -- and the conflict/issues should be around simple human differences, things like which end to squeeze the toothpaste tube.
The sad thing about hitting this growth point that you're at -- detaching enough to get a new perspective on what you want -- is then looking back and thinking that H isn't it. Especially sad when they finally turn the corner.
