Dropping the rope, hope I'm doing the right thing.

[scaredsilly]

hey, CV, go to see you back again.
yes, i have a blended family. it was fairly well blended until H's adult D moved in with us. her mother jettisoned each child as they turned 18 and the CS checks came to a halt.

the first to move in with us was H's S19. he's sweet but was a teenaged boy; sloppy, careless, etc. however, it was nothing really annoying or irritating.

when he decided to move in with his girlfriend after living with us until he was 21, H and i were disappointed and worried that he may drop out of school. we told him he could always come back if he changed his mind.

the real problems started when D19 moved in. she used to be my favorite of his children but as an adult woman, she became moody, rude, entitled, and disrespectful. she was dating and breaking up during this so maybe that's a part of it.

however, it ruined my relationship with her and put a major strain on my M. H was always in the middle. i finally told him i wanted to sell the house (so i could get away from her) and we moved back to our primary home without her. but, the damage was done.

SD and i do not have a relationship now, even though i continue to share in her rent subsidy to the tune of $470/mo. and share in paying health ins. premiums for both of these "kids". she "shuns" me and any member from my side of the family. since our separation, i really have no communication with any members of H's family, although, i still care about the boys.

if i remember correctly, your S is young; 10 or 11, right? it's diffferent when they're young. in your shoes, i would have to keep my son a priority, too. but my son is 40 and has three children of his own so he doesn't have to be my priority anymore.

do i see H being able to make our relationship the most important one in his life? no. at this point, i don't think he can. he suffers from "guilty father syndrome". that's kept him in a pattern of behavior that facilitates immaturity in his D (she calls him to tell him she paid her electric, water, etc., bills when they're in her name . and he tells her how proud he is of her ). she'll be 23 in december! when i was 23, i had a husband, a one-year-old baby, and a household to run. gimme a break!

could i? yes, i really think i could. i'm not asking him to put ME first, love ME more than he loves his kids. i'm asking for our relationship to come first over his with his kids and anyone else. they have mates of their own (not married) and as they age, their father will mean less and less to them.

to put our ralationship first, he would have to make it known, when the situation would arise, that he and i are united and our MARRIAGE comes first and nothing will be allowed to hurt it; no disrespectful daughter (who once told me, "what's his, is mine!"), no lack of compromise, no lack of communication, no making major decisions without discussions, no confiding in his children (D22) about our marriage, no contradicting me to his children, or going behind my back to give them our money. basic stuff, i think. the same thing our marriage counselor told him 10 years ago.

in other words, only he and i should be in this marriage.

i'm pretty sure i'm a lot older than you are so i think you may find your feelings change. mine did. my son is not the most important thing in my life now. i love him as i always have but he's an adult now and doesn't need my protection.

my H's three kids are adults now, too. i want a MARRIAGE now. i'm done being a stepmother. i married my H to be his wife, not a mother to his kids. i filled the role of stepmother but i want it to end and to enjoy my life now, without them in it except for the normal way adult kids are in our lives. and i want to be with someone who values his relationship with me and protects and nurtures it. i want to go places and do things and enjoy life with my H...without his kids! is that too much to ask?