Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

Easy there Sandi. I never said I was going to make her look through it while I was sitting there. I was going to leave it in her car or something. The thing is that I had this idea months ago. I really do want her to remember all the good times we had. I have ZERO expectations by wanting to give her this other than for her not to forget about the good times we had.

As for "celebrating", she wants to close the door on our marriage, I'm not the one that wants to do that. What is wrong with two adults having dinner together?

[hopefulinga]

Remember who you can control - YOU. Not her. Go back and look at the post you received about pursuing and look at the books. If your intent is to give her the book so that she will not forget the good times, then you are forcing your wishes on her. Your anxiety is showing through.

I had lots of ideas for my anniversay. Our D16 was out of town and we were alone for almost a month. It would have been our first anniversary alone in years. I feel what you are going through.

You can always keep the book and give it to her another time if the sitch gets better and tell her what it was for.

[sandi2]

Just don't deceive yourself. Here on the board, we've read all kind of reasons behind the LBH doing things. Sometimes he can't see what he's really doing, which is trying to cause a particular response. I'm just saying that it appears that you are using the anniversary to pressure her to have dinner with you, and you know that a book of photos from the past years should draw out some type of emotion. Perhaps I misuderstood when you said how painful it would be looking at those "with" your W.

There's more to this than two adults having dinner, and you know it. Just be real with yourself. That's all. I'm not here to give you a hard time.

[AnotherStander]

But if the "with" is even an option, how can she ever know the person that I am becoming to make that choice?

She will notice, but it will take a lot of time for her to acknowledge. Don't expect anything from her for weeks, maybe months. Just keep working on your 180's. What are your 180's by the way? This is the key to DB'ing, if you don't have a list of 180's that you are actively working on then there's nothing for your W to see. You need to establish your 180's and make darned sure you're not doing "more of the same" behavior, and you need to establish "baby steps" so you can watch for progress.

I do have a question. I have always followed the traditional anniversary gifts and the 3 year gift is supposed to be leather. So I went out and got a leather picture album and filled it with pictures of us. I did this really because I knew that I needed to face the pain rather than hiding from it and looking through 6 years of memories with my W was certainly the most painful thing that I have ever done so I'm not sure if that helped or hurt.

It probably hurt. Here are a few DB tips for you to consider:

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

I'd say you broke all 3 of those. That's OK, we all backslide. Go back and study DB and DR. Review the 34 rules every single day (if not multiple times a day) to remind yourself what to do and not do. Focus on changing YOU and patiently wait for your W to notice.

[PeteWyo]

Sorry it has been a few days. Here is an update. I had decided to bring the photo album to dinner but leave it in the car. When she arrived, she had a gift and card with her so I felt compelled to to give it to her out of reciprocity. She said she really loved it but still showed no emotion at all. We had a great dinner until the end when we talked about the R some. Shouldn't have happened but it did. I'm human, I'm sorry.

Anyway I have gotten to the point where I can finally detach. That anniversary was hard but I can finally be in a place that I can work on me and not dwell. She came back to the house and got some of her things. I had to take all the pictures down in the house of us. Not because I am giving up but if I am going to work on me, I can't constantly be reminded of the wife that is leaving me. It is too depressing. I am getting out of the house but sometimes I have to be there and staring at a bunch of pictures when we were happy was stopping me from doing that. She is going to an IC again today. Maybe she can get some closure there.

[PeteWyo]

Had a good day today I think. Got home went for a nice long run, cut the grass, went to the gym. I keep asking everyone if they want to hang out so I can get out of the house but unfortunately all of my friends here are/were her friends. So they are all very close to this. Even so, they don't want to talk about it any more than I do. They are always just busy doing things with their spouses (who are also my friends). Kind of stinks hanging out with a bunch of happy married couples. So I have to keep busy.

My whole life here revolved around my wife. I was planning on moving back towards family shortly before I met her. Now I have a house and a job here and not much else. I guess I wasn't really living my life these past 6 years. Too terrified by my anxiety issues. Now that i am finally addressing those issues I don't have a whole lot to do! Sweet irony.

I am going to IC tomorrow. Not sure if I am going to talk about my anxiety or about how to move on without my soul mate. Maybe both.

[PeteWyo]

Shameless bump looking for comfort and advice...

[PeteWyo]

So I talked to my W today and she told me that she believes that I did have anxiety issues and that we had great times when we were alone and that we just had issues when we were around people. I told her that I was working on my anxiety issues and I wished she would be there for me while I was working through them. She said that even though she realizes why I was so withdrawn, she feels that the damage is already done and she is too hurt to ever get over it. I told her that pain will heal in time and that she would eventually be able to forgive me. I told her that I was going to continue to go to counseling and figure out my issues and that I encouraged her to do the same. So I am in this for the long haul. I am going to GAL and work on me. I'm not sure if it makes sense but I feel that GAL for me at this stage in my life might be harder than going through these issues with my W. I will get through this, one way or another.

[PeteWyo]

Hanging out with friends having a good time watching football. Having a moment where I feel that things might be ok.

I went to IC today. I think it was good, the counsellor told me that forgiving myself for not coming forward with my anxiety was the first thing I need to work on. I'm not sure how to do that.

[PeteWyo]

The more I detach the more I am finding out about our marriage. The further I get away the clearer I am able to see a lot of things that I was blind to. Good, bad and indifferent. I am no longer blaming myself as much. The more I find out about how our marriage was viewed from the outside the more I realize just how bad her misunderstanding and our bad or lack of communication really hurt us. Que sera sera I suppose.