Hi all, new to these forums and boy do I wish I had discovered the sooner. Sitch is married 13 years, W married before. 2 boys (12 and 19) eldest from W previous M.
Our youngest has special needs and has been a challenge over the years. W had to give up career to be his main carer. I overcompensated with my career to earn enough to support all of us. I have always been hands on with kids and we have always had a good sex life.
December 11 W admitted she was confused about how she felt. Did not want to discuss it in detail but said she just wanted some time to sort her head out. I gave it to her - still living together but no longer initmate.
Feb 12 I brought up the subject - she said she felt differently about me, she was not sure why or what triggered it but that a number of issues over the years have pecked away and come to a head in last few months. She went away with mutual girlfriend for 3 days to do some walking and clear her head. During this time I did some soul searching and realised a number of areas she was talking about that I could have done better, been more emotionally supportive . I start working on them. She returns from the break, flings her arms around me, we both have a good cry and say we must never let things get to this again, talk more etc.
June 12 I notice W has gone into her closet again. Bring it up and she says feelins come back and won't go away. I book us a short a break away for some quality time without kids.
Return from break and she says still not sure how she feels. I say to take her time, if she needs counselling etc I will support her. She feels she has not had enough emotional support and again this has chipped away so much it effects hopw she feels.
July 12, we talk again and no change in W
End of August I start pushing her (wrong move I know), she finally admits she loves but not in love with me. She says the changes I made are fuelling her anger & resentment (i.e. why could I have not done this years ago), she no longer feels any attraction nor wants to be initimate. I agree seperation but she has to move out with youngest for financial reasons as she could not afford to keep house herself. We agree to hold move off until eldest goes to University on 23 September.
I continue with changes but not being pushy. Be there for her when she needs to talk, ask her about her day, take youngest off her to give her a break etc etc.
We talk this weekend, I tell her I respect decision, agree with what she has said and don't blame her for feeling like she does, she apologises also for keeping things bottled up and not being stronger. I ask about future and if her feelings might change. She says not. She says she could live with me forever but the feelings on being initmacy have gone. She says she does not know what the futurte will hold, wants to remain friends etc, but she needs to do this to find herself, ger herself back and will not back down. We carry on like a married couple (she still cooks etc) I am giving her space going to the Gym and getting a life outside of the marriage.
W and me have been under a lot of pressure last 12 months. Moving youngest sons school because of abuse allegations,eldest going to University, losing home-school transport for youngest so W has to take him when she was just starting to get some independence back. I started a new job with less hours to be around more.
Weired thing is she keeps going back to her childhood - how she always tried to please her mum but got knocked back and how she has beeng doing this in her adult life. Her previous H was abusive towards her - not physically but close and treated her like dirt. She has recently started hooking up with old girlfriends (ones who are divorced/single mums etc but get a lot of financial and support with kids from parents - we have never got that)
For my part she is right re emotional support and truth is our relationship has suffered with the youngest special needs. In the first few years we pulled together and last 2-3 years we have both drifted. Me pre-occupied with work, her pre-occupied with home.
I am desperate to save this, love my family and W more than life, can clearly see my part in all this, have and continued to make changes. Ordered DR the other day but will not arrive till 15 Oct (our Wedding anniversary).
I would love some advice on a) is this workable, b) is there a delaying tactic to give me more time to keep her at home - she is very headstrong and adamant she will not change her mind c) is this WAW or MLC, bit of both? d) how do I deal with the living together as we still talk like best mates and I am worried the more this goes on the more she will see me as that - but to do a full 180 would re-affirm my lack of emotional support in the past!
Thanks in advance - as I say if I had discovered this in December I feel I could have stopped this.
ps no other man involved - she does not have time and a mutual GF confirmed that she is just knackered, fed up and angrey/resentful.
I'm in a similar situation -- my W asked for a D in early July 2011. She agreed to come back and work on the marriage in August 2011. She came back, but she hasn't been working on it. I confronted her in July 2012 and got similar script to what you got above -- ILYBINILWY, feelings gone a long time ago, etc.
I've been working on this for over a year, I've really only seen two paths for when the feelings are gone and there is no OM involved. The first path is the book "His Needs Her Needs" gives a prescription for restoring romantic love in your marriage. It says you have to remove anything that is annoying your wife or otherwise preventing her from enjoying your company -- they call those "love busters". The other thing you have to do is find out what your wife's top needs are, and learn how to supply them. There is a website in support of this book and that philosophy. They prescribe that if you're able to do these two things, eventually your wife will feel love for you again, but it could take two years or more of consistent effort.
FWIW, my own experience with this plan has not been great. It's not easy to exactly pinpoint what your wife may need most and how she needs to receive it as she may not be in touch with it herself, so it takes quite a bit of trial and error. If your wife is non-cooperative, it can be like throwing darts. The book assumes that you're going to work on it together, and in my opinion there's little incentive for the "out of love" spouse to do that.
The second path is in "dropping the rope" and letting her go, which is to say that you move on emotionally and build a new life. That's not to say that you instantly start dating, or file for divorce, only that you stop doing anything to actively "work on the marriage" and instead be polite, friendly and cooperative, but don't worry about what she does or doesn't do, and instead focus on pursuing your own happiness.
Of these two strategies, I've only seen the second one work on this site, but unfortunately by the time people get there they often no longer want to reconcile because they truly have moved on. You've got your wife on a pedestal now because you can't have her, but that will pass given sufficient time and you will come to see things a bit more rationally.
I wish I could give you a better prescription, but I've been at this for about 16 months of concerted effort and that's what I've found.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Thanks all for the advice. I was worried re MLC a my understanding is I have to stand by, let it run and watch my marriage get destroyed in the process.
Quick Update is that she is struggling to find a new place. Basically she is having to rely on benefits and yesterday came down to earth when the lettings agent gave her a dose of reality re the type of property she could expect on benefits. This gives me more time but also gives her the sense of being trapped which I don't want.
She is being overly friendly/happy and then crashing into lows - bit like a rollercoaster.
Hi, I am struggling with the concept of detaching. Will not get dr delivered for a few weeks yet! I am emotionally detaching and GAL, however, wife talking to me like everything is ok. She even suggested a takeaway and a film together last night. I accepted but this is all getting weird. This am when I was leavin for work she asked what I wanted for tea and it seems like we are continuing to be married but not! I am going to the gym, meetin friends etc during the evenings, she is too, but when we are at home everything seems normal except for the intimacy! She is starting all the conversation too. Is this normal? Shld we not be made at each other? V confused and cannot wait until the book gets delivered! Anyone any advice please.
Accuracy - I have read your sitch and does sound similar to mine.
However, I wish my Wife would get angry or do something. Problem is she does'nt. She is carrying on like everything is normal but occasionally throws in a curve ball. For example she was talking about doing a workout video. I suggested going to the local gym. She said we could'nt afford it (we can), but when I told her this she says she would not be able to keep it up when she moves out. I just said fair enough and ended the conversation.
Although she has been confused re feelings since December 11, we have had the 3 day break in March 11 when she returned willing to make a go of things our seperation and ILYBNILY is only 3 weeks old albeit living in the same house.
1st week we argued and I pressured her. 2nd week we avoided each other, I started to fully come to terms with what she was saying and looked at hard at my part. 3rd week I have started to work on myself even more than before, helping more around the house, letting her have more breaks from the kids, been trying to detach, and started up getting my own life back. But boy is this hard.
It is this 3rd week that has been the most confusing though. Per my last post she suggested a takeaway and watching a film, she is even making jokes! It is like we are still married!! and this is the trouble I am having. One of her issues is me not paying her enough attention, giving her enough support, and generally us drifting. However, how do I let go and give her the opp to miss me etc without confirming everything she is accusing me of. We still are spending a significant amount of time together and not arguing.
I have to say a lot of what she has said is true but not in the way she sees it. I was just misguided in my efforts to please her as I expect a lot are in the same sitch. However, the advice from here has helped me understand what I had not provided. She has also apologised that whilst she gave hints, she should have been clearer. There is no need for her to apologise for this - If I had paid enough attention I should have seen for myself.
Is there anyone who can please advise me how to be around her. Should I make a point of spending less time, or should I make sure that the time we are together is enjoyable?
Thanks and hoping for a response. Reading these forums are keeping me sane at the moment.
Update and still needing some advice on how to deal with sitch. I cannot read the DR book as delivery date is 15 October.
Update is that I am continuing with trying to detach but W making it very difficult. The way she is behaving just does not stack up to what a lot of others are posting in their Sitchs. Wife is carrying on like we are married without intimacy. I suggested me sleeping on sofa but she says no - we are both grown up enough to sleep in same bed. She goes shopping but ends up sitting in a cafe staring into space.
Since I have been going to the gym she keeps talking about how much weight she is putting on.
I am getting worried about her state of mind, but similarly am worried about how to properly detach when W acts like we are best friends. I have not talked about our R for over a week now. Then she was still adamant that she needed to seperate and move out to find herself, that she does not know what the future will hold but at the moment there is no chance we will ever be together as a couple.
I am getting to the point where I don't know whether to set a date by which she needs to move out - that way would be better for me to move on, whether her being at home and struggling to find a place is a gift that I should make the most of etc.
She met with a mutual GF las week for coffee. GF contacted me and said there is definately no other man. That she looked exhausted, stressed and was shaking. W let it all out to GF and ended with I want a strong man not a boy. Mutual GF seemed to think there was love buried deep away under the anger/resentement.
GF said that there may be a chance in that she has stated what she wants and that there may be hope - i.e. by being the strong man W may get a different perception of me.
I don't fully buy into the not being strong etc but can see this in my behaviour particularly in the last 2-3 years where I felt I have lost part of myself also.
But I am working on this.i.e. being the strong man. She basically wants someone to takeover the household, be strong for her and put her first.
Please please any advice on how to deal with my sitch. I feel like there is a glimmer of hope somewhere in all this and don't want to lose it.
For example should I insist on seperate sleeping arrangements, should I accept when she offers to watch a film, when she does my washing/ironing even though I have told her not too do I just take it off her.
Another update. W appears to be re writing our 13 year marriage history. Says she not sure if was ever right, blowing every little thing over 13 yrs into a major issue. Dragging up old arguments, basically making me look like a demon, our marriage look like a lie and absoloutely nothing like what I remember. W told me on numerous occasions how much she has felt loved, how much she loves me, how our sex life was amazing, how comfortable she feels with her body around me and that she can be open about her needs. That has changed to not sure if she ever loved me, sex was all wrong, it was not passionate, I never did diy around the house, 1 night many years ago on a night out I stayed at a friends. I was drunk n forgot to txt her but it was 2am when I realised I cld not get home. Suddenly yhis was a commonplace occurence and that I obviously never thought enough of her etc etc. Then despite all this she says she cld live with me forever, but it is me and her that is wrong, then there is no passion/intimacy and there never has been. Well oh my god! Confused is not the word. I don't recognise the marriage she is describing! Apparently she has doine everything on her own, hospital appts for son etc. I have been there for all except a few routine check ups that I cld not get time off work for. Then she says it is not me but her that has changed, then reverts back to needing to find herself and leaving is something she must do for her. I am speechless!
