Need HOPE part III

[PERSEVERANCE]

I don't know how much longer I can hold all of this in. Friends, activities, distractions, counciling... Nothing seems to take this pain, jealousy and hurt away. I can't sleep. My work is suffering. I feel like such a fool. I let my W convince me that once the D was final - she would put the old R to rest and work on a new, better R with me.... Well, I believed it--- but I think that she is looking for a new, better R - just not with me. I have an upcoming appt to get anxiety meds, but that is three weeks away. All the meds will do is mask the reality of the situation anyway. Maybe it is better to face the battle with a clear head .
I've truly tried with all of my heart and soul. God knows why I would want such a selfish hurtful woman in my life, but I DO... And unfortunately I love her. Yes, I have the house, and kids... But I also have the responsibility.
Hanging on by a thread and my heart and mind is filled with dread and hate. I wish that I could banish all of the dark thoughts. I do a pretty good job of faking it- most people see me as a happy, funny, upbeat guy---
I try to stay positive or at least fake it-- my X seems to pull further away each day.
I'm so tired, stressed and in pain. Well- about to start a new day.