Dealing with Anger

[Arsene]

Well, the morning came and went. As we met to go to immigration, both of us seemed apprehensive. As if either expected this to be unpleasant. The mood lightened eventually but it was still very cold ane businesslike. We went to immigration and did what we had to do. My heart ached a bit as I had the photocopies of the marriage certificate done. I also remembered the many times we'd been there, in better days, doing pretty much the same thing as today.

As my W filled the forms, I looked at her and wondered why I was standing for a marriage with this person. She is no longer the woman I married. She is no longer caring, and loving, or even motherly. She's not fun to be with or lively anymore. She's not even interesting to talk to and she's so self-centered. Even the way she looks isn't so attractive anymore. She always looks tired and unkempt. She used to like wearing tank-tops and shorts and now, she's always covered from head to toe. I even noticed (during the move)that she had bought a full swimsuit, when in the past, she always favored the bikini, which she wore superbly. Who is this woman? Is she worth the pain I'm going through? Is my wife still in there, somewhere?

At one point the talk was on D8 and how the last time W was with her D8 cried and said she missed being cuddled by W in the evening before going to bed. W offered to take D8 for the entire weekend so she could spend time with D8 and I reminded her that she was working late every night this weekend and rehearsing everyday. W said it was ok, that she could still make time for D8 throughout the day and D8 could stay up late. I didn't argue but I offered that I'd be home with a friend and his kids and that D8 might enjoy it more. W agreed that it would also be a lot less inconvenient for her that way since she was going to be very busy but that she was worried about D8. I didn't say anything.

I wanted to tell her that D8 doesn't miss the occasional cuddle. She misses her mom, and her family. I wanted to hold her and tell her to come back to her senses, and to her family. I wanted to hug her and tell her how it's not too late to give it another try. I wanted to kiss her tenderly to see if I still felt something for her, if she still felt something for me. But instead, I stayed calm and cheerful and dropped her off without looking back. Now, I feel a bit sad but not as much as I thought I would.

Is this what happens when one detaches? Is this me falling out of love? Or is it simply a bad day (or a good one ? )

No worries. I'm still sticking with the plan. Just writing down my thoughts and impressions, which I'm sure will change by the evening. Cheers everyone