Pinkalicious!

[WenikiTiki]

As of today I have done 4 SUP runs in the past 5 days. It is good to be outside on the water. I used to be afraid of getting too far away from the shore. I now know how strong I am and feel confident about my abilities.

It was super windy and there wasn't a soul on the beach or in the water at Chinaman's Hat. The life guards weren't even on duty yet. It was interesting. I read that doing stuff out in nature is a good way to beat depression.

One of my friends got toxemia, had her baby early (31 weeks) and 5 days later they still can't get her blood pressure under control. Today they moved her to the ICU. She can't have visitors, and I feel so helpless. And it brings back horrible memories.

I had toxemia with both my pregnancies. First time bad, second time worst. I had a very bad delivery both times. The second time is most likely when I had a heart attack that was diagianosed about 5 years ago. The doctor told me that my echocardiogram showed damage from a previous haert attack. I also had to have a hysterectomy when I was 31, with what they pleasantly call "Anterior and posterior repairs" to fix damage from the awful delivery. The doctor actually did a handstand on my stomach to save my son.

Anyway I was trying to talk to my best friend about this and she told me she didn't want to talk about it or think about it. And it made me mad. When all that happened with my horrible delivery my XH told my mom everything was fine. (My son was still in distress and it wasn't fine.)

So where I am going with this is I realize I surround myself with emotionally unavailable people and then puzzle over why they treat me the way they do. I believe that we can talk about bad things that happened. We don't have to say stuck on them, but it would be nice to acknowledge that they happened.

I was talking with my IC today about how my friends toxemia brought up my feelings. And ammusingly I told XH this evening that all these years later I was puzzling over him telling my mom everything was okay when it wasn't. And as I was saying it to him I realized he was just being himself and he will probably never change. He can't talk about tough things.