busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Journaling~~

Another positive night. I got home tonight and W is running late from work. So I took the kids and bought dinner. Took all 3 of them with me. So whats the big deal? Well, the old me wouldn't have done this, the old me would've waited for the W to get home and make her buy dinner, yes sad to say but that was me. By the time I got home buying food W was home. No biggie for her and I realized she's seeing it and she just don't want to admit it--like she said before "a little too late". If she doesn't see it that still fine since my kids and I had a great time driving. We all ate dinner and that's that, WE WERE ALL HUNGRY


glad you see that it's not a big deal but it IS a 180 for you, so good for you. Just understand that ONE gesture that most people think is normal,

isn't going to turn around 18 years of behavior that doesn't match. Give your 180s time

b/c you can counter her negatives with positives. Make sure you don't fuel her reasons for leaving.



A couple of things though in the middle of getting dinner and post dinner. I texted W to see if she will eat before she gets home, she didn't reply right away so I called for dinner. But while I was phoning the order she text me, call my cell, and called the house phone. D17 answered since I was on the phone ordering food. I can hear in the background the people from her work it's almost like telling me that look I'm really at work don't you hear my coworkers, I'm not with OM? I don't know what to make of this but atleast she's making me aware that she's really at work? Maybe she's trying to win my trust again?

Read nothing into this^^^...if it was meant for anyone, it may have been meant for your d17.

The second thing is that I brought up the S talk.


why???


We were suppose to start tomorrow, and she's suppose to leave.


if she shows doubt or a wish to delay, why would you push for her to leave?


I thought maybe if she doesn't see me she'll miss me and our family. And for her to realize that it is not what she wanted. She expressed she didn't want to be married or with me anymore, no more drive to work on our M, she doesn't feel it anymore she doesnt know how to get it back. She feels lying/pretending if she tries to hug or kiss me. So I thought, she should get a chance to see how it is. If she likes that life without me I'll accept but at least her doubts will be clear.

-- I replied and said "well I'm thinking maybe we should put it off until we see counseling"? So we're basically answering questions with questions. So she also said "yes, I think TS is good idea but I think we need to do it correctly with counseling help." I left it at that so for now our TS is on hold.

So now we're back in the same spot, living in the same roof, but I did tell her that I don't know how would I react if this EA happen again, and that I won't be a part of this love triangle. And she assured me it won't happen again that this is a wake up call for her.

WHY are you bringing this up now? What was the goal?


[b]Mainly a validation on my part to stop the EA. I know I said it once and I'll try to let it go and put the EA on the side for now.[/b]

We talked briefly about our R, and I basically said so now we'll try again? Bad move Newman, I knew the answer to that, and her answer is "well it's not that I want to but, I don't hate you but I don't know if my feelings would return." And I got sucked in more, and I said "well the EA, I'm not owning up to, that was your decision. But what I'm owning up to is creating your feelings the way you felt" and she said she's really sorry for what happened." It was getting in deeper getting emotional and then that's when I decided to shut up, and I said ok and left the MB.

So it goes--

So, what will YOU do DIFFERENTLY,

to show her that marriage to you can be different and better?

B/c THAT IS THE KEY....

Thanks again everyone! You have no idea how this is really helping me cope with this painful part of my life. But I feel as even if our R don't work out, I will be a better man by then. I'm learning so much about myself. I normally don't spill my guts to anyone not even my friends and here I am spilling everything to save my marriage. Much respect to the WAW and LBS here in DB!

Newman

to restate my premise,

your wife will not come back to the marriage and really do the work

unless she believes that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

YOU have to show her that. In concrete ways, not more of the same.

make sense?


I urge you to get the tools for rebuilding the marriage by doing something like

Retrovaille. You glossed over it but frankly, if you have been spending this much time "working on things" with no results, then clearly

you need some tools you both lack. She needs you to take the lead, imo.

Retrovaille is a weekend retreat (w/a follow up program) for couples in crisis.

It's very very good. I highly recommend it.

Yes we checked out the Retrovaille website. I'm in to it but W thought it was similar to marriage encounter. We did Marriage encounter years ago. I thought it helped us. But this time W is not receptive of anything like this but she's willing to go to MC. I'll re-open retrovaille when I feel something change in her. Thanks for your post 25yrsMLC.