Well, I won't have more time to post this week. They're working me too hard! Maybe I'll link my old thread when I'm awake...
Thanks Vera and Zena, picnic sisters, for checking in.
I'm noticing some examples of P demonstrating healthy detachment (my fear is that it's really just defensive distance). I previously mentioned the housemate and food regime. A friend tried to talk me into a cute kitten and I could see that P was struggling to maintain detachment there. She really didn't want me taking on that encumbrance (it would hinder my mobility for traveling with her and complicate any thoughts of cohabitation with her ultra sensitive cats, wouldn't it?) and after a comment or two I could see her struggling to STFU. She proposed that I befriend the neighbor's cat instead. I just listen and watch and think, "Isn't that interesting?"
Last visit, nighttime cuddling was rather cool and she quit undressing in front of me. This time, first morning she's changing in the same room and I keep my nose determinedly in the computer. Next morning, she makes a point of asking me to come over and admire her newly buff arms. I look aver and she has her shirt off and is looking to get a rise out of me. Hmm. Isn't that interesting?
What's my mantra? Listen, observe, validate, think "isn't that interesting?" and STFU. So far, so good. I'm sure I'll need duct tape before long.
And for the record, P acts very impressed with the bathroom and has notice my improved physique. She's been inquiring about what I've been doing as far as eating and exercise.
Okay. Way too late and I'm fried. Just wanted to check in and found my old thread locked. Back to the picnic!
What's my mantra? Listen, observe, validate, think "isn't that interesting?" and STFU. So far, so good. I'm sure I'll need duct tape before long.
Glad you finally started a new thread! I have been bummed that I have not been able to post!!
Love the mantra and I will be bringing all sorts of fancy duct tape to the picnic to share... although to be honest, you seem to be doing just fine without it.
You are doing great, SD... sounds like she may be wondering what is up? buffed arms, huh??
Keep it up, SD.. you need a super hero name too now.. (((((((((( )))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I've met several old DB friends, from before the alt universe came into being. I'm not hooked into FB at all (Luddite in that regard), so I've been letting it slide until I might be traveling and have opportunities to meet up.
SD, I've been keeping up with your sitch and I'm really curious at the "interesting" behaviors of P. I will definitely be watching to see where that goes.
Sorry you had to give notice to your housemate. I'm sure it was tough, plus it will be future inconvenience without the added finances. Perhaps a different housemate is an option?
I'm also sorry it didn't work out for you for personal reasons ... I was hoping I could mimic your success, whatever that turned out to be. When I read your interaction of "We had a scheduled conversation a few weeks ago. I was truly touched by his sensitivity, responsiveness, and kind approach. And not one bit of change resulted," you could have been talking about my H. You have really made some progress in areas that you're working on, and I had hoped that you could master this one as well. And then I was going to ask you for the secret formula. In any case, I hope your decision eliminates some stress for you. No need to pile it on just for the practice.
Keep up the great work! I'm hoping to read a real success story in your sitch!
Thanks, CV. Yes, I'm going to have to try to find a different housemate. It's always a crap shoot. I've had better and I've had worse.
I'm sorry I couldn't find that secret formula. I feel like I did my piece sufficiently in this context. I did enough work on me to get past my anger and get to a place where I could be kind and respectful. I didn't completely get over thinking about what P thought, but since she wasn't giving me grief I thought I should seize the moment. I'm sure I'll have plenty of other opportunities to work through my angst about P's thoughts.
I've read Pia Mellody's books "Facing Codependence" (it's a much used reference actually) and "Facing Love Addiction". I recommend starting with the former because love addiction is one symptom of codependence so it really is key to understand that foundation. NG may have a review based on starting with the latter.
On her website Pia has lots of CDs. I've listened to the series "Co-addicted Relationships" many times. That's where she mentions the "yuck" phase, and all sorts of other things that sound awfully familiar. It's a good description of how codependence and love addiction play out in relationships, along with a detailed approach to healing.
I've also listened to the "Boundaries" series and found it very helpful. I believe Adinva's IC actually "prescribed" it. I'm frequently spouting quotes from it.
I picked up a germ in my travels. Second time I coughed last night, P headed for the couch. Oh well. I got a little cuddling before that.
NG, I stopped at Home Depot this morning and landed right in front of the neon duct tape display. It was all I could do to tear myself away...
