Yay, you're figuring it out. I was thinking that Pia's boundary lessons would be really helpful.
One thing she talks about is that when the other person tells us something that we don't think is true, we're not supposed to leap up to defend ourselves (not until we're much more experienced at this). That's exactly where my current mantra comes in.
She also persistently points out that no one makes us feel anything so we have to stop using the phrase "makes me". It's our own thoughts that create our feelings. And one way or another, we choose those.
Just to top it off, she says that we can tell other people what's going on for us that was triggered (not caused) by what they did. The catch is that we're not allowed to tell them if we're trying to get them to change. (Unless it's a boundary violation - then we can ask them to stop, but still be prepared to remove ourselves from the line of fire if they don't care to cooperate.)
It seems that you found your own path to a similar understanding before I got caught up on your thread. Zena!
Want to go in with me and NG on that case of duct tape?
