Tomorrow is a New Day

[hopefulinga]

Somewhat of a minor set back, but I held my tounge and I hope it blows over quickly.

H waas 30 minutes late for dinner last night. D16 and I went ahead and ate. While H was eating, I told him that I was cooking for 730 but if I needed to adjust for him to let me know. He said, no that was fine, he was on the phone and doing some other things.

He started to tell me about the phone call, which upset him. It involves some other people that caused us some problems over a year ago. I listened to him and then tried to support him and told him that he didn't know what converstaions were taking place when he was not around that caused some of the problems.

He didn't listen to all of what I was saying and pulled a few pieces out and ran with it. I did not let my voice raise and calmly told him that what he was repeating was not what I meant and that he wasn't letting me finish. He started to get ridiculous and I told him again that I was trying to back him up and that I did not mean how he was taking what I said. One of our reptitive issues is him telling me how I feel and what I am saying.

I remained calm and then he started to say some very hurtful and really stupid things. I calmly told him that I really wished that he wouldn't say things like that and that it was uncalled for. I again told him that I was supporting him and that I was sorry that he took my statements for other than I intended them.

At that point, a wine glass fell out of his hands and broke. He was in barefeet, so I told him to leave the room and I would clean it up.

After that we seemed to be able to talk ok. We talked about riding the motorcycle and I asked him if he would take me again because I had fun. He said he would. He is going away in October over night and I asked him if I could go. He told me no because I wasn't used to riding that far and it would be just over night, no big deal.

I did have some of my thoughts of nasty spiteful comments go through my brain during all of this, but I kept them to myself. I tired to used a calm, soft voice. I am pretty sure that I did not raise my voice and I did not let his hurtful comments escalate me.

[hopefulinga]

And today, I remind myself that my current struggles pale in comparison to the tragedy that happened 11 years ago. One of my best childhood and teenage friends lost her father in law, which ended up contributing to the destruction of her marriage. Her kids never got to know their grandfather, and 2 never met him. And I lost childhood friends that I had not seen since I was pre-school age.

And I am thankful that I have H, no matter how difficult our times together maybe. Somehow, we will make it, hopefully together. We are fighters and survivors. I truly believe our struggles are part of a higher message and an education in the game of life.

[hopefulinga]

Last night seemed to go ok. H was late to dinner again, but D and I were already eating.

At dinner, we did talk a little bit more about the issue that got us sideways on Monday. We were able to talk about it without any disagreements or accusations. I continued to listen and show my support.

H then told me about a difficult time he had at work. Again I listened and supported him. I told him that it seemed like he was getting hit from all sides and how unfortunate that was.

He's been riding the motorcycle everyday after work, which gives him some time to blow off steam. Yesterday he bought some stuff to put on it, which I know he was doing before he came home.

He's not gotten to the point of asking about what I did. He did know the important parts of my day already, as I had to take D to the doctor and let him know what happened. And I also had to make a presentation that I already told him about. So, I think he believes I will tell him if something is important and he will not ask. I don't take offense to it. I just know I have to tell him if I want him to know.

[Breakdown]

I did have some of my thoughts of nasty spiteful comments go through my brain during all of this, but I kept them to myself. I tired to used a calm, soft voice. I am pretty sure that I did not raise my voice and I did not let his hurtful comments escalate me.

This is awesome! Keep it up!

[mamabird]

Great! You guys are talking and starting to work through it. This is really important.

Now's the time to pay special attention to every move you make. He is making his way back to you so you just need to communicate that you're open to listening and you're going to be supportive. This may help him feel less defensive around you.

Keep it up!!

[hopefulinga]

I'm trying. I don't want to over try and mess it up. The test will be when we discuss an issue that I have a different opinion on. I need to remember to keep a cool head and walk away if necessary.

He did decide to go away this weekend, leaving Friday morning and coming back Sunday afternoon. All I can do is tell him to have a good time and see if he will stay in touch like he did last weekend.

[hopefulinga]

Journaling tonight....

While we've made a few improvements, I need to try to stay grounded and not get my hopes up. H is acting a little distant tonight. We talked a little bit at dinner. Some of it is probably my thought because I have mixed feelings right now.

I asked H if he wanted tickets to a concert I didn't say with me), he asked me when and where it was, thought for a second and then said, I guess not. We've been to the venue before, so I know that is not the issue. He didn't say he didn't want to go with me but that is how I felt.

He also mentioned started to do a motorcycle ride every Thursday with a group of guys. I asked him if wives went and he said he didn't think so. I asked him if there were any rides that wives were involved with. He started to tell me about a ride a friend took to Maine with his wife. She flew to Boston and met him, they rode to Maine and then she flew back. I asked him why they went and he told me because the W wanted to go.

That got to me. We haven't traveled anywhere together in quite a while, let alone somewhere I wanted to go. It also started to make me question whether or not this sitch is really repairable. And I thought of SS's list and creating one of my own. I don't know that I can get out of this M what I need. And then I start to question why I am trying to DB (other than to help myself).

I also asked H to start to tell me when he needed me to do things for D that he normally does. She told me today that I had to take her to her bus Friday morning because H was leaving at 7 for his trip. He never told me that. At dinner I confirmed with him that I would be doing that. After dinner when D wasn't around I told him that I needed him to tell me when I needed to do that type of stuff and that I didn't need to hear it from D. He told me he thought I knew that he was leaving at 7. I told him that I did not as he never told me that. When I asked him about travel plans last night, all he told me was that he was leaving in the morning.

H is definitely different towards me than he was over the weekend. All of the "us" type of stuff he was talking about seems to have subsided. I've done my best to support him and keep my mouth shut when I otherwise would have said something.

I know this is a long road and I know it will be up and down. Today just doesn't feel real good.

[mamabird]

Aw Hopeful. That is tough and I know just how it feels. When they say it's a roller coaster, this is what that means. I totally get it when you say you're not sure it can work in the long run though. Only time will tell.

SS put on my thread not to take it personally. I'd pass that advice on to you. I do think that a lot of this is about him and not you.

Keep at it and remember to not rock the boat if you can. It sounds so subservient for gals like us but hey, that's a 180, right?

[hopefulinga]

Yes, I'm trying not to rock the boat or take it personally. I think the recent deaths are really making him look at his life worse than he was before. I am thankful that he hasn't brought up D again, but it is hard not to get excited about the steps. And then when those warm fuzzies wear off, it is harder.

We'll see how the weekend goes while he is gone. I will not be able to call him per his request because of the cost of cell minutes. I asked him if he would contact me and he said he would.

Last night he did show me a few videos on the internet. The first one I didn't get into with him, which I should have. The second one I watched with him.

I'll see how today goes.

[hopefulinga]

I just left a meeting that H was at and he almost put me in tears. I don't think he realizes how insenstive he is. He was talking about his motorcycle with a friend of ours and was describing all of the features. The guy asked if he had an intercom, H said no, the guy asked if he was going to put one in, H said no. The guy then asked "doesnt' anyone ride with you?" H said "No." The guy asked "Don't you take W out?" H said no. After dead silence, I think he realized what he said and said Oh, well I took her up the highway the other day. Someone else at the table said "That's it?" H said, "It was her first time, she's still learning the balance thing." I could barely look up after that. I felt crushed.

I thought about what I would say to him to let him know that he hurt my feelings without starting a fight. After the meeting I jokingly said something to the effect of "Thanks for publicly outing me. I sure hope you will take me for a ride again." No response and after I said it, I felt like I should have said something else because that didn't reflect how I felt. But I couldn't get the words out.

He may know based on my body language. When we went to leave, we were park in different areas. We stopped for a minute and he asked if I was in front of the builidng, as he had started to walk towards his car. I said yes and turned and walked out. I did not move forward to kiss him goodbye. I also didn't have a smile on my face and was doing my best not to cry in a public place.

My 180 has been to support him with the thing and the tremendous amount of money he spent on it and continues to spend on accessories without complaining and being otherwise negative. This interaction makes me question why I am bothering. This is obviously not going to be a hobby that we can try to connect on. So, I guess I will back off on my vocal support. I think he appreciates the support but it is hard for me to support something that I am spending money on but will be shut out from enjoying.

Yes, I am trying to not let his actions upset me and I am trying not to react. When something like this hits you in the face, it is hard. I don't even think this has anything to do with where we are in the M. It is more of the same with his behavior and I am trying not to do more of the same with my reaction. Although he's promised to take me places, I will not hold my breath.