Hi Tumbling , keep going you know you can do it . It sounds like you've been doing really well at trying to detach from your H , and thank you for the advice you have given to me . In that advice you suggested that if i knew i would get upset by being ignored after getting in touch , then to try and NOT get in touch . We are just setting ourselves up for a fall . Let him get in touch with you , i know its realy hard to pull away but im sure its doing his head in as much as yours even if he doesnt show it on the outside . Like labug says you detaching wont cause your M to end , and he might reach out to you ! Blimey listen to me giving out advice like i know what im on about ? I wish i could put it into practice myself :-) . Seriously though, keep going we're all routing for you .
I think this GAL thing is of paramount importance , and once they see you with one they take notice again . I hope i can get one (for me ) and enjoy it and as a by product my W notices and reconsiders .
Journalling I have been GAL, keeping busy and tomorrow I go away for a week to sunnier climes but I have been haunted by H's continued silence/avoidance. I'm worried that he's in a dark place.
So I text - I know, maybe I shouldn't have - "I figure you're caving but I'm worried about you as I've not heard from you since you landed. Just let me know you're ok. I care about you..."
And finally I hear from him. "I'm ok Tumbling. Thanks for apt message. I'm sorry:("
I replied later "Good to hear from you. Thanks for letting me know you're ok."
This is different for me. I would have pushed to start the cycle in the past - can we talk? why haven't you text/called? etc.
It's difficult to be non-committal/detached but I really want something different.
I want to get hold of my Self so that I don't get desperate and can talk to him from a place of emotional safety, if I ever get the chance.
So I will roll up my blanket and pack it in my suitcase.
This time it will be different. I am staying focused on healing me. I still don't want to walk away but I don't see him in a rush to tackle things.
He's feeling safe in his castle and that's ok.
Just as it's ok for me to sit on the blanket and take in the view.
Patience. No rush. No need to manage or fix the situation. It is what it is. It will be what it will be.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I'm on holiday now w my mom but I'm sad I can't stop thinking about the state of my relationship. He sent me another text late Thursday 'i miss you - but I know I don't deserve a reply. I'm a terrible person' I waited 24 hrs before I replied 'you do deserve a response. I don't punish people for their actions. But I'd rather see/speak to you than txt. It's too difficult for me. I'm sorry you think you're a terrible person. We are all responsible for our actions & their consequences. Sometimes your choices may hurt others but that doesn't make you a terrible person. You have your reasons. I miss your company too, maybe we can do something tog when I'm back from hols. It's good to be in contact, I hope this channel remains open from now on'
Nothing back.
Am I doing this wrong? For two years I've accepted his distancing & coming close. Am I being too nice? Should I 180 and put a stop to this pandering? BUT an ultimatum scares me
Yesterday I had the thought that if my marriage was an animal we'd put it out of its misery. We wouldn't make it.take anymore emotional abuse.
Perhaps it was more about myself that I can't take anymore. Thats.what I.meant when I called.&.said I.couldnt do it anymore.
Thing is I'm pretty sure he.doesn't.want to end our marriage either.
Where do I go from here?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Just had this thought. Am I rewarding bad behaviour?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Help! Here I am on holiday but freaking about not hearing from H so I'm posting here instead of contacting him. This feels different to other times.
At least he finally let me know he was ok last wk & I was detached saying thanks for letting me know. And a couple of hours later he txt that he missed me (good sign) but he considers himself a terrible person. I felt bad for him so I thought I should reply but now its been 3 days since I heard from him.
Did I say the wrong thing? Am I right to leave it?
In the past I've continued to pry the door open w friendly txts but I'm worried this time that my silence will continue to make him feel bad - as well he shld perhaps w these hurtful/confusing actions but I'm not sure feeling guilty is a good thing for the sitch. Unless it helps him look at himself...? I know I can't fix him but my action/non action could break him more...
I don't want to get into another pursue (me) avoid cycle so I guess I have to tough it out but is he going to pick up the ball?
Perhaps this is a good 4-6wk experiment. That's a positive way to look at it, isn't it?
And after the anni no show we eventually had friendly txts & then he went away on business & neither of us txt for 5 days. It was him who initiated txtng then & he told me he kept checking his phone so maybe that's what he's doing now - unlikely he's out of the country on business again this wk.
I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not doing the wrong thing by not sending friendly txts this time.
Anyone?
Thanks, Tumbling
PS I've thought all along that this was more about him than us. Although I worked on stuff I did wrong when we were together - needed to grow up really - he has said he thinks he's in crisis, staggering around in a nightmare, doesn't know why he does the things he does, just needs abit more time to get head sorted, its killing him that he is doing this to me & that my understanding & patience makes things worse...so a touch of mlc
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Journalling Wednesdays are always bad for me when we are in NC I hate the silence. I really want to txt him today. I know I said I would wait for him to contact me but I'm not very good at patience. One day at a time, I guess Sometimes one hour at a time But I'm fearful he's really walked away this time
I would like some help in knowing how to respond in a detached way when he does get in contact & not push or pressure him
Anyone?
Thanks in advance Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
My advice would be to wait it out. Your last text to him was very friendly and warm. The ball is in his court. I know it's hard, but you can make it through another day.
When he gets in touch, what about not mentioning getting together? Don't say you'd rather see him than text, etc.. I think you've made it clear that you're there for him so if you have a history of pursuing, gives this some time to see what he does when you go dim.
I just myself held off contacting H and came back to find several short emails from him. He then called for a short chat.
Good luck. This board is fantastic so keep journalling here instead of contacting your H.
Wendy
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Thanks so much Wendy for reading my post & for your advice. I've been feeling abit alone on the board. Abit confused w your reply tho did you mean do not try to make a meet up? Rather let him lead for a change? I think that will be good for both of us.
What I was trying to stop was txt convos as I get abit panicky when he stops answering when I said I'd rather see/phone him. At least at those times I know when its ended as we say 'bye'!
I've been rereading mlc stuff & I'm sure that's what H is going through. I just haven't always responded v well. I really hope I can do better in the nxt cycle, if there is one.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Journalling Lying on my hotel bed w tears streaming down my face. I'm such a strong driven person usually, why can't I be done w this situation?
Why can't I stand up & say enough already? I know I did the other wk but I wasn't done, I was desperate to stop feeling confused at not hearing from him so I took control. Because I don't think he'll say different that's why (he did a few wks ago tho) And it's hard to accept that someone no longer cares the way they once did
and then there's this part of me that thinks it'll be ok in the end. he'll sort through his issues & he'll be back but he hasn't even started & I'm still a work in progress
is he ever going to pick up the ball?
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I haven't read your thread but I can say this, you can't change him so don't worry about what he's going to do to work on himself.
You have your work to do. Focus on you. As long as you are worrying about what he's doing, you aren't focusing on you. You have no control over him. If he's done, he's done. You still need to work on you.
I know this is difficult but you will get through it. What are you doing for you?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
