After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks guys for the support. The encouragement means so much always...


I am having a tough time with all of this...

In the last few months I have found myself slowly starting to detach from my H. It's been months since I have initiated any contact for any other reason than related to our kids.
Our exchanges are brief and I don't ask about his life or activities. He seldom asks about mine.

A few weeks ago I de-friended my H and blocked OW from FB when they started exchanging love notes openly on his wall. When H found out he said he was confused as to why and was hurt. I simply told him that it was a decision I made more for me than for him and I was sorry he couldn't understand it and that he was hurt.

These ^^^ self protective steps are healthy for YOU. They are not about him, really. But I admit he's a bit odd to not get it. Really? He thinks seeing love notes, publicly expressed, while still married to you, is appropriate?

Does he really not understand how that makes you feel? If you can ask him that question without ANYTHING but curiosity, I would.


I also took my rings off and put them away a couple of weeks ago. I can't explain it, it just felt like the right thing to do. My old M is dead and those rings were a symbol of it. It hurt me to see them on my finger and I felt that my H saw me wearing them as pursuing or my lack of acceptance of my sitch. i don't know if he's noticed or not and honestly don't care anymore.

I totally get that^^^ and think not caring if he notices, is healthy. The old m is dead, and you get it. This is part of Detachment,

something that you have long wanted to begin. Good for you.

As a result of my detachment and acceptance of what is, I have been more at peace everyday. I felt like things were clearly improving for me and that I was finally even started to let go of the tremendous jealousy I felt towards OW.

^^^ this is wonderful news to me.

My life as a single mom is taking its course and I was looking forward to the future and dealing very well with the waves of pain I still feel.

Until this...
Now H is out of a job and we basically have a 3-month reserve to live off before running out of cash. We have a huge 401k loan that is now due, plus next year we will face a huge tax bill for the short-sale of our home.

Part of me wants to react as I have always done when we have faced financial crises - go out and work for our family until my H gets a new job.
I want to do this partly because we still have shared finances and we are both equally responsible for the well-being of our kids.
And partly because I want to show him my support and keep the road paved and smooth. (I know if I do nothing H will take it as a sign of selfishness and lack of caring on my part, thus further validating his leaving me.)


since your children's welfare is THE priority, try your best not to care what he thinks.

YOU KNOW YOUR REASONS ARE VALID, so you will have to do the right thing b/c it's right, knowing he might not agree (or admit agreeing if he does.) It's much easier for him to see NO change in you...so much easier so you cannot care about his opinion anymore, if you have searched yourself enough.

And I trust your judgement b/c you are very self aware and honest.

Doing right by your kids is the main goal now, not proving yourself to a man who does NOT want to believe in your changes.



On the other hand I want to do nothing.
We are no longer a couple. OW is still in the picture and he is going to her for emotional support and is planning his future with her and not me. His job loss is his problem and I need to let him find his own solutions - drop the rope.

He'll also be relying on her, (and or her h's alimony/CS) for HIS own financial welfare, correct? That's a relief, isn't it? I mean, HE does have other resources, which you presently lack.

In the last 12 hours, three diff. family members (including H's sister) have told me to stay put, not go out immediately and find a job and solve this for him.

well that says something, doesn't it? If there are reserves, then that is what they are for. HIS kids...HIS job search. You can offer assistance with the job search for him.

Or Maybe speed up your PART TIME efforts if you want to and if it's not going to hurt the kids.

But will OW be the caretaker of your kids while YOU work? That seems odd. Let HER work so YOU can take care of YOUR kids...


My current thinking is - I will wait for H to settle down and implement his own plan of action. I will wait for him to come to me and communicate about our spending / savings strategy for the next few months while there is no income and how he thinks we will need to tackle the 401k loan and tax issues.

If he doesn't come to me in the next two or three days, I will approach him about it. If he is not receptive or doesn't try to work as a team, then I will let him be. I will give him a month to get his act together. If I don't see any significant and concrete progress on his job search front, then I will have to figure out a babysitting solution and go out and freelance again to pay for my bills.

KG, is it possible that HE will use this as an excuse for not rushing back into work? Do we know ANYTHING about OWs resources?

Almost makes me want to check their FB status and see how often they date and travel and buy things, like cars and homes...

I mean, don't let yourself get screwed over here. I believe I'm being a little paranoid right now on your behalf.

= I don't want you to believe that he's trying to screw you, b/c I don't, but I worry that it COULD be true.

Keep your guard up when it comes to feeding your kids and having mommy time with them.




This is my initial thinking, but am open to suggestions and feedback.
I realize this is a big, big turning point and I want to do the right thing for my family and myself.

So, Your goals are

1) the kid's lives change as little as possible; w/stability & mom time the main priorities.

2) you must economize b/c finances are tight, at your end at least.

(I'm not clear on what OW can do. Why can't SHE contribute to the "home" she is building with your h?)

3) You must be clear about your values/priorities and follow them, without regard to what your h believes about them. (The more you defend them to him, the more he doubts them.)

Live your life according to your newfound beliefs and behaviors.

Detach from his expressed opinion. Nothing you SAY will change his mind.

His beliefs about your motives, or his expressed beliefs, cannot matter to you or it'll sway you from your living your true values.

4) do the above, and Be At Peace.