After 18 months - H is finally filing.

[keep_going]

Thanks guys for the support. The encouragement means so much always...


I am having a tough time with all of this...

In the last few months I have found myself slowly starting to detach from my H. It's been months since I have initiated any contact for any other reason than related to our kids.
Our exchanges are brief and I don't ask about his life or activities. He seldom asks about mine.

A few weeks ago I de-friended my H and blocked OW from FB when they started exchanging love notes openly on his wall. When H found out he said he was confused as to why and was hurt. I simply told him that it was a decision I made more for me than for him and I was sorry he couldn't understand it and that he was hurt.

I also took my rings off and put them away a couple of weeks ago. I can't explain it, it just felt like the right thing to do. My old M is dead and those rings were a symbol of it. It hurt me to see them on my finger and I felt that my H saw me wearing them as pursuing or my lack of acceptance of my sitch. i don't know if he's noticed or not and honestly don't care anymore.

As a result of my detachment and acceptance of what is, I have been more at peace everyday. I felt like things were clearly improving for me and that I was finally even started to let go of the tremendous jealousy I felt towards OW.
My life as a single mom is taking its course and I was looking forward to the future and dealing very well with the waves of pain I still feel.

Until this...
Now H is out of a job and we basically have a 3-month reserve to live off before running out of cash. We have a huge 401k loan that is now due, plus next year we will face a huge tax bill for the short-sale of our home.

Part of me wants to react as I have always done when we have faced financial crises - go out and work for our family until my H gets a new job.
I want to do this partly because we still have shared finances and we are both equally responsible for the well-being of our kids.
And partly because I want to show him my support and keep the road paved and smooth. (I know if I do nothing H will take it as a sign of selfishness and lack of caring on my part, thus further validating his leaving me.)

On the other hand I want to do nothing.
We are no longer a couple. OW is still in the picture and he is going to her for emotional support and is planning his future with her and not me. His job loss is his problem and I need to let him find his own solutions - drop the rope.

In the last 12 hours, three diff. family members (including H's sister) have told me to stay put, not go out immediately and find a job and solve this for him.

My current thinking is - I will wait for H to settle down and implement his own plan of action. I will wait for him to come to me and communicate about our spending / savings strategy for the next few months while there is no income and how he thinks we will need to tackle the 401k loan and tax issues.

If he doesn't come to me in the next two or three days, I will approach him about it. If he is not receptive or doesn't try to work as a team, then I will let him be. I will give him a month to get his act together. If I don't see any significant and concrete progress on his job search front, then I will have to figure out a babysitting solution and go out and freelance again to pay for my bills.

This is my initial thinking, but am open to suggestions and feedback.
I realize this is a big, big turning point and I want to do the right thing for my family and myself.