I don't really know where i'm at this morning - or should i say this afternoon!!
i did something that i haven't really done since BD - i slept until almost noon.
which in and of itself is not a big deal, but in my case it's very significant.
That's what i did those 5 yrs when i shut down - and suddenly now i see what would make me do that. it was the constant occurences like yesterday - i would get helpless and paralysed and i would stay up half the night and then have no incentive to wake up the next day.
Right now i'm in flight mode - but oddly i'm relatively calm, but also have my eyes open. this time i'm seeing what state the big double bind and the "no talk" rule sends me into. i'm just observing.
i talked alot with my hypnotherapist friend yesterday - before all this went down. we talked about what the deeper issues surrounding me feeling invisible are about. I think that my reactions after this sort of interaction with h leaves me feeling so invisible that my mind goes into complete detached mode as a defense mechanism - there is some unresolved stuff here for me that is probably connected to the sexual abuse _there was a very strong "no talk' rule there, i imagine.
So when i went into that situation i was probably hyper-aware and determined NOT to feel invisible, and my insistence on that sent h into a tailspin. then i did what i always did - which was to KEEP ON trying not to be invisible. (the other side of the coin is that possibly h feels invisible when i try to tell him what is)
This is not about h or his freaky control issues. this is about how i need to get myself out of this. i'm a little scared right now - not fearful, just a little scared. I don't really know what about - so am going to wait and just observe myself quietly
labug - when you said one has to choose NOT to be involved in the no talk situation, could you help me to see how i can do that here, please?
I see that always the only "resort" i had was to walk away - emotionally and shut down. and not engage with h any longer. Now i can sense that there's possibly another way, but cannot see what it is.
Is it as simple as me just saying to h - h i'm sorry that i did not recognize that you needed to see for yourself, and i should have just let you do that instead of trying to tell you my version?
I cannot decide if that is just me appeasing him or the true "taking the stick away" strategy of dissolving the double bind.
This morning all i can see is that i have to get as far away from him as possible until i can ground myself in my OWN self again. Flight or just plain common sense? I can't even tell which one it is. it's not that i'm angry or worried about what happens with h and whether he'll come back or not. that has almost become irrelevant now.
The best thing for me right now is to quietly go work and focus on that and totally trust that this time the right answer will come. I don't need to be scared, i don't need to be fearful that being invisible is some sort of threat to me.
i love you all - and i'm going for a swim right now, so come join me
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
