Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

[mshaf]

Update:

I have avoided posting for a while because I couldn't take thinking about my sitch all day everyday. I have been checking in on everyone and gathering strength from how motivated everyone on here is.

There is no real improvement to speak off in my sitch. W and I have very little contact unless it relates to our kids.

We are basically in a holding pattern. Not moving closer to divorce as far as I can tell. Not moving towards R either.

She has mentioned things about a L contacting me, though she did it after I asked for the key to my apartment back. (I did not like the fact that she could come by when I wasn't home and use it as a place to get away. Also it wierded me out when I would get home and find things out of place.)

I also brought up to my W that I would like 50/50 time with kids. She did not seem happy with that suggestion. She mentioned she could not go a week without seeing our children. I told her I wouldn't expect that and she would be welcome to see them any time she wanted. She mentioned other reasons for not going to a 50/50 split (doesn’t think I would have enough time to take care of the kids, doesn’t think I have spent enough time with kids over the last few months, etc.), the only one that seemed legitimate was she thinks she would get "no child support" after a D with a 50/50 split (this was her first immediate objection).

I have let her know that a 50/50 split is my expectation and I will not settle for anything less unless ordered to do so.

Besides these couple things that is about it for change in my sitch. I have caught her a few lies about what she is doing when she drops the kids off and gives an expected time to come back to pick them up. Nothing new there though. I can't understand why she feels the need to lie. I don't care that much as to what she is doing.

I have found some strength in myself. I don't think about my sitch nearly as much as I used to. It definitely still crosses my mind but I try to push it out. I think that in this slightly better place that I am in I can begin to focus on my sitch more without it consuming me.

I have realized that I can't save my marriage but just maybe I can save myself. All I can do is continue to improve myself. What happens will happen.

This still S**KS btw.