Wow SS, I've been reading this thread like an exciting novel. go from page to page expecting the denouement and the suspense is killing me. It's fantastic what you are doing and the way you are handling yourself. Definitely an example to follow.
My thoughts are with you.
BTW, I love the list. I'll write one as soon as I get home. I also like the fact that you only sent number 1. I really think all 35 items would have been too much for anyone to even consider. If he can do number 1, the rest will follow.
cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
thank you, arsene. life does have it's twists and turns.
i did get this response from him on monday about number 1:
"I could answer quickly but I think I do my best when I give myself the chance to run things around in my head. some the answer would be the same but with more meaning ( I think) so if I can please, I will answer that soon. I would like to ask for your other 34 when you ready, I don’t need before I answer but I think they are things I need so that I have given you all your chance to give we what you think, want and see for your future.
Thanks for your email."
i replied for him to take as much time as he needs because it is important to me and i'm in no hurry.
and i'm not. i have the rest of my life, with or without him. but it will be intersting to read what number 1 means to him. i've never been the most important realationship to him before. his kids are adults now so, maybe he's ready to put "us" first?
i know i can't have it any other way. been there, done that.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, very interesting and inspiring thread, I think you need to change your ID to something else, like maybe "BraveOne" Doesn't sound to me like you're scared anymore Good luck to you, it sounds like no matter what path you take you will come out on top and better than ever. You have a great PMA!
SS, hats off to you for all your hard work and protecting yourself from further pain and heartache.
Not sure i have much to offer but i know if you gave me that list it might be overwhelming but if you start with discussing #1 then move to your next big hitter and deal with that one individually. I would think in doing so you build your communication skills and see where things go from there.
Prayers to you and the entire DB communitiy, wouldn't wish this on anybody...
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
I love reading you SS. You are so inspiring and help keep us all on track to remember that we need to know what we want and don't want. And that we can find what we want when we finally decide to do that.
Thank you SS
(((((( ))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
thank you hopeful and busting, for your kind words.
however, i haven't always been as i am today (and i have a long way to go). if you look back at my posts from the beginning until just lately, you'll see a blubbering idiot who was so scared and so sad and lonely.
i think we will all get to the place where we'll be happy. we just have to get THROUGH this and come out the other side. people go through what we're going through all the time. lots of them are even happier than they were when they were in the M they were so afraid to lose.
i'm stronger and better for all this. i see so many others feeling the same way on here. when we become LBS's, it's not ALL because of what we've done, for the most part. some of us just pulled back because we were unhappy, too.
accuray once said that the LBS was close to being the WAS when the bomb dropped. we were that way because we wanted things to change.
well, things are changing...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
however, i haven't always been as i am today (and i have a long way to go). if you look back at my posts from the beginning until just lately, you'll see a blubbering idiot who was so scared and so sad and lonely. i think we will all get to the place where we'll be happy. we just have to get THROUGH this and come out the other side. people go through what we're going through all the time. lots of them are even happier than they were when they were in the M they were so afraid to lose.
i'm stronger and better for all this. i see so many others feeling the same way on here. when we become LBS's, it's not ALL because of what we've done, for the most part. some of us just pulled back because we were unhappy, too.
accuray once said that the LBS was close to being the WAS when the bomb dropped. we were that way because we wanted things to change.
well, things are changing...
Thanks SS. This is very uplifting. It's cheering me up. I hope (no, I'm sure) things will go well for you.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
SS, thanks for your recent posts. It gives me a much better insight to your sitch. I knew you had a blended family but was curious how that played out in your WAS sitch. I think I'm reading that your H always put his kids first and you were low-man out. I think this is where your first priority comes from, am I right?
I have a blended family sitch, too, with H/4, me/0. It was always me last. Thing is, as difficult as it always was for me, I think I get it from my H's POV. I'm not sure I could marry again and promise to put my H first, because now I have S. I think perhaps it's easier to prioritize the M over the kids when the kids are both of yours. But when one parent is a "step," the parent/child loyalty just runs too deep. Do you feel that way at all?
It's wonderful that you've gotten to the point where you can make happy plans for the future, with or w/o H. But do you see your #1 priority being a possibility? For that matter, do you see yourself being able to fulfill that requirement yourself and treat your future spouse as your number one? Over your own S? I don't know that I could, which is factor in my belief that I'll never M again. Best case, if I am single again someday, I might find someone to share things with, but with the understanding that they will never be my priority and I don't expect to be theirs. Not currently making any plans, just thoughts I've had.
Do you retain any positive relationship with your steps? You were with them a long time, and they were fairly young when you entered their lives. I know that's no guarantee of being connected, but it can add to the angst (or relief) of D.
hey, CV, go to see you back again. yes, i have a blended family. it was fairly well blended until H's adult D moved in with us. her mother jettisoned each child as they turned 18 and the CS checks came to a halt.
the first to move in with us was H's S19. he's sweet but was a teenaged boy; sloppy, careless, etc. however, it was nothing really annoying or irritating.
when he decided to move in with his girlfriend after living with us until he was 21, H and i were disappointed and worried that he may drop out of school. we told him he could always come back if he changed his mind.
the real problems started when D19 moved in. she used to be my favorite of his children but as an adult woman, she became moody, rude, entitled, and disrespectful. she was dating and breaking up during this so maybe that's a part of it.
however, it ruined my relationship with her and put a major strain on my M. H was always in the middle. i finally told him i wanted to sell the house (so i could get away from her) and we moved back to our primary home without her. but, the damage was done.
SD and i do not have a relationship now, even though i continue to share in her rent subsidy to the tune of $470/mo. and share in paying health ins. premiums for both of these "kids". she "shuns" me and any member from my side of the family. since our separation, i really have no communication with any members of H's family, although, i still care about the boys.
if i remember correctly, your S is young; 10 or 11, right? it's diffferent when they're young. in your shoes, i would have to keep my son a priority, too. but my son is 40 and has three children of his own so he doesn't have to be my priority anymore.
do i see H being able to make our relationship the most important one in his life? no. at this point, i don't think he can. he suffers from "guilty father syndrome". that's kept him in a pattern of behavior that facilitates immaturity in his D (she calls him to tell him she paid her electric, water, etc., bills when they're in her name . and he tells her how proud he is of her ). she'll be 23 in december! when i was 23, i had a husband, a one-year-old baby, and a household to run. gimme a break!
could i? yes, i really think i could. i'm not asking him to put ME first, love ME more than he loves his kids. i'm asking for our relationship to come first over his with his kids and anyone else. they have mates of their own (not married) and as they age, their father will mean less and less to them.
to put our ralationship first, he would have to make it known, when the situation would arise, that he and i are united and our MARRIAGE comes first and nothing will be allowed to hurt it; no disrespectful daughter (who once told me, "what's his, is mine!"), no lack of compromise, no lack of communication, no making major decisions without discussions, no confiding in his children (D22) about our marriage, no contradicting me to his children, or going behind my back to give them our money. basic stuff, i think. the same thing our marriage counselor told him 10 years ago.
in other words, only he and i should be in this marriage.
i'm pretty sure i'm a lot older than you are so i think you may find your feelings change. mine did. my son is not the most important thing in my life now. i love him as i always have but he's an adult now and doesn't need my protection.
my H's three kids are adults now, too. i want a MARRIAGE now. i'm done being a stepmother. i married my H to be his wife, not a mother to his kids. i filled the role of stepmother but i want it to end and to enjoy my life now, without them in it except for the normal way adult kids are in our lives. and i want to be with someone who values his relationship with me and protects and nurtures it. i want to go places and do things and enjoy life with my H...without his kids! is that too much to ask?
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Doesn't sound to me like you're scared anymore 
. and he tells her how proud he is of her 
). she'll be 23 in december! when i was 23, i had a husband, a one-year-old baby, and a household to run. gimme a break!