Whenever I hear from a LBH that his WAW has ended her A and everything seems to be good after just three or four weeks.....I have a lot of doubts. Again, this is JMHO, but I don't think most women can go from an unhappy MR into an EA/PA and then jump right back into being that loving wife again in just a few weeks. I believe she has to work through her own issues, plus her and the H working on the M togetherbefore she can be the W she used to be.
She has a ton of resentment toward her H. Now, I referred to "timing" in my last post.....that is when they need to open up and talk (maybe with a MC helping them) so that the problems can be resolved and the resentments healed. Otherwise, it's going to take a long time.....and hard work, for her to be able to overcome it.
The fourth major issue is forgiveness. Yes, of course you have to be able to forgive her for the A, but so does she. I'm talking about her forgiving herself. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced! One thing that will prevent her from forgiving herself is hanging onto resentments from the past. Not that one thing justifies the other in these cases, it's just the way it works.
It's been five years since I ended my EA. It seems a life time ago. The hardest part for me? Forgiving myself. Even now, as I type this, the tears are stinging my eyes. Sometimes the linea between guilt...forgiving...and regretting runs together and I'm not sure which is which. You will never know how much I regret what I did to myself, my M, my H, and my family! I have to live with that for the rest of my life. My H may have failed at a lot of things, but I alone carry the label of "cheater" in my M.
Anyway, that will be four of the main things your W will face in herself. It took me time to reach the place I was willing "to be willing" to put forth any effort. It took all my energy just to end the EA and stay in my house with my H. I didn't have any desire to stay, I was just doing "the right thing". Doing the right thing doesn't automatically give you the fuel you need to operate. The depression just about did me in! I asked my H to go with me to MC and he would not do it. He would not talk to anyone, but yet he wanted me to put forth 100% effort. (His words, exactly.) He had no idea what that did to me. More resentment! More depression!
So, without any professional help, (and I didn't feel like my H was willing to help b/c he said he had done nothing wrong), it took me quite a while to get to the place of putting forth any actual "effort" other than just being there. If your W asks you to go with her to therapy or MC, then please agree to do whatever it takes to work through it. Don't let stubbornness or pride get in the way of healing the M.
Be very, very patient at waiting for her to come around. You have your hell to get through, and she has her own to get through. Then there's that part you have to go through together. If she sees you being there to listen to her, and looking intently into her eyes when she's talking to you, that will mean so much! I can't tell you how far that one act will carry you. One of the first things that a H does to hurt the MR is when his W talks and he tunes her out. That is very insulting and painful to her. So, listen carefully to her, no matter how uninteresting it may be to you. DO NOT TRY TO TELL HER HOW TO FIX IT. Unless she asks you what to do, don't tell her. Most women just need to share their feelings. The man (Mr. Fixer) thinks he's suppose to solve her problems, but that just leaves her feeling frustrated. If she wants his help, she'll ask him.
Don't stop working on your improvements! Sure she needs to make changes, too, but if you get into finger pointing, the M will be back into serious danger zones before it has a chance to heal. She has to see that you weren't making changes just to get her back, and then stopped. She wants you to stay like that for now on. If you slack up, you'll be back here again. So be ready to be the one who steps up every day and shows her that you are the leader in the R.
Be sensitive to her feelings. You can tell if your W is down, right? Can you tell if she's had a bad day without her telling you? Okay, can you tell when she's lonely from when she wants to be alone? Do you know when you should play and kid around with her from when you know not to go there with her? Can you tell when she just wants to be held in your arms and be assured everything's going to be alright, but she doesn't want to have sex? If you don't know, then you are probably like the majority of the male population! But, you can always try to learn.
Just as you can't afford to apply any pressure now, you can't afford to do it months from now. Can you handle it? Can you be the man and have the attitude that "Honey, I love you and if you get too tired to walk, I'll carry you, but we are going to make it through this journey." That's the attitude you have to take, b/c if you start letting your male ego get in the way of the healing process....you'll have a bad time of it. You may find yourself feeling that you're the only one doing the "work" in the R. But if she's depressed and experiencing all that stuff I just talked about, then she won't have the drive like you do. It's one thing to want something and go after it with gusto, but quite another when you're just trying to do the right thing and your hearts not all the way in right now. (Most LBH's don't want to hear that, but I'm telling you the truth!)
Right now, you have the energy and desire to start pumping out whatever it takes to get her to agree to stay M. But it's that day-to-day grit that gets old and tries the patients of your soul. That's when you have to remind yourself that love is driving you....not ego. Again, I ask you, are you the man?
Your M can not only survive this, but it can be happy again. She can desire you again, and she can have the "want-to" back in the R again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
