Still together but trying to save this

[PeteWyo]

Ok some more details. We are both 31. My anxiety started mostly right after we met but never became a daily occurrence until after we were married. The OM was the boyfriend and then fiancee of my wife's friend. They were together for 7 years and now he is using my wife as a rebound GF.

Talking to all of my friends and family about my anxiety was like one of the biggest weights off of my shoulders. I felt great. It was terrifying to do but it needed to happen. Since then I have been making efforts to get out of my box and not let anxiety control my life. But at the same time I have been learning that I actually have very little control over my life and have placed my faith back in God. Funny how we turn our backs on God when we think that every thing is peachy and then come running back when things don't work out. I have been struggling with that actually. I have told myself that I am not selfishly running back to Jesus just to get my wife back. I am trying to give control of my life back. Quite frankly I do not want nor deserve control of my life at this point, leave that up to someone else.

I have been making efforts to go hang out with friends. It is tough. Most if not all of my friends in this city I met through my wife. It is me hanging out with the couples that we used to hang out with. They are all so sympathetic and trying to be helpful. But they are also shunning my wife for what she is doing. So my wife feels that she has lost all of her friends too.

We go to counseling again next week. I don't think anything is going to change at this point, but I am still working on me in the meantime. I find it so frustrating that I can't find hardly any success stories on this website. I see a couple but come on. I understand that this is about getting me right, no matter what happens, but I sure would like my wife back...

[PeteWyo]

Ok not sure what happened to my last post, I posted a week or so ago and it never ended up here. My wife and I are both 31. The OM was both of our friends. He was engaged to my wife's friend and we were actually supposed to go to their wedding in October. I won't air out my issues with that here because he is a liar and a manipulator but my wife is blind to that right now. I have mentally prepared myself for the inevitable at this point. Actually my biggest regret is that I can't save her from this guy that will hurt her at some point. I am still trying to protect her even though I know she is checked out. Honestly I am done at this point, I am just worried about her. She probably thinks she can't come back because I wouldn't forgive her. But I do. I don't forgive him yet, but I will someday. I will be fine but she may not and I hate that I won't be around to take care of her. So be it, this is her decision...

[Cadet]

Ok not sure what happened to my last post, I posted a week or so ago and it never ended up here.

Probably ended up in moderation.
You have 7 posts right now and they are all on the board.
Keep posting and you should be off moderation soon.

It is not your job to rescue her.

[PeteWyo]

Marriage counseling round 2 was of no help. The OM came out and she just kept defending her stance that it has nothing to do with him, when it has everything to do with him. She even admitted that she would be trying harder if it weren't for him. Counsellor told her that we could fix all of this and it just bounced off of her. When she said we could go to counselling she said we could talk about it if they said there was a chance. That is what happened and she still has her mind made up. I am not giving up. I am getting out and hanging out with friends and working on me and having great success. I just wish she saw that and she isn't in the house anymore so she will never know. Tomorrow is our anniversary. We are going to dinner. At least I get to have one last dinner with my wife. If I would have know Thursday would have been the last time I got to sleep next to my wife, I would have stayed up all night and cherished every second...

[Just A Guy]

I am in a similar sitch as you my friend... I know it can be tough as all heck but I can tell you right now fixing yourself and saying "but she doesn't see it because she is not living in he house" tells me that you are trying to do things so she sees them and comes running back. This will not happen, I am on week 7 and I can tell you the ONLY things that have helped have been things which were truly just about fixing ME not about getting her love back.

You need to focus on fixing you, forget the OM and be the BETTER option. You were once the man she fell in love with, be him and BETTER again and do it for you. Because then even if she doesnt notice or come back you are in a much better place and won't repeat the same mistakes.

Detach detach detach!

[PeteWyo]

Thanks for the response. I'm not sure that is completely fair. I am changing me for myself, and I have detached to the best of my ability. I will be a better person with or without her. But if the "with" is even an option, how can she ever know the person that I am becoming to make that choice? I just need to get through this dinner tonight so I can completely detach and not have the distraction.

I do have a question. I have always followed the traditional anniversary gifts and the 3 year gift is supposed to be leather. So I went out and got a leather picture album and filled it with pictures of us. I did this really because I knew that I needed to face the pain rather than hiding from it and looking through 6 years of memories with my W was certainly the most painful thing that I have ever done so I'm not sure if that helped or hurt. Anyway, my question is, should I still give this gift to her for our anniversary? I'm really not expecting anything out of giving it to her but I feel that she deserves to have it. Any thoughts????

[hopefulinga]

My 17th anniversary was between the 2 times my H has said the D word. I bought a card but decided that I would not give it to him unless he made a conscious recognition of the day. He made one comment about it at breakfast and later in the day I wished him a happy anniversay. I bought my own flowers and cooked a nice meal. I did not give him the card.

You may want to see how dinner goes before you decide. And you may want to save that as a gift to yourself. If she is telling you that she doesn't want to try right now, what do you think her reaction will be if you give her an album full of pictures of the two of you? Do you think it will help or hurt your position?

[PeteWyo]

Honestly I don't really know. Like I said, I am not expecting anything to come out of it. Part of me being the best person I can includes thoughtful gifts to the people that I care about. I have always done that and I am not going to change that. If I am truly detaching, then this is something that I would do as a person, not as a husband trying to change someone's mind. Does that make any sense at all?

[sandi2]

I just don't understand how a couple can "celebrate" a wedding anniversary when they're breaking up. Are you celebrating what once was....but no longer is? IDK, to each his own, I suppose. But regarding this "gift" you want to give her.....if you need to face the pain, and looking through this album is your way of doing it, then fix it and keep for yourself. But to say that you have to look at it "with" her sounds more like you want to watch her as she looks at the pictures, hoping this is going to guilt her into doing......what exactly? Breaking down and crying over what she's done to you?

She deserves to have it? Oh please! Expectations? I think you do.

[hopefulinga]

Sandi brings up some good points. While in your mind you are being a good person by creating a thoughtful gift, who will it be thoughtful to? If you were detached, not married, etc., would you still do this? Would you give an ex an album full of pictures of the 2 of you? If you were doing this as a person, and not a husband, you would probably give her an empty album.

This may run her further off.