IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[breakdownbill]

Hi Yankee

Thanks for keeping an eye on my thread and chipping in here.

I struggled to get my head round some of the things Bond was saying, maybe it was because I didn't want to hear it, or was convinced I'd tried all that I could. I know that I haven't & have a long hard look at myself.

I am happy with some of the progress I've made in other areas of my life, but by and large most of that has just been to 'get back on the horse' so to speak.

I know that I can do more to make a change in my sitch & I have been given lot's of support on here from many people. Everyone on here has something different to offer in terms of advice and experience, but we are all different & sometimes we need to go with our gut.

Last night I thought about what Bond had said and re-read the 2nd & 3rd chapters of DR - Starting with a beginners mind & Knowing what you want.

This has helped me to start writing some goals which I am going to post here, now if I have the time or maybe later on tonight or tomorrow (when I get the chance). I want to carry on reading more of the DR book again tonight as a lot of the messages were missed on me first time round.

I have 4 specific goals ready - with bullet points for each as to how I will achieve them.

As for boundaries, thanks to Bond's suggestion I now know what I could do in regards to dancing & the OM - enforcing this is a sore subject for me, because of how flexible my wife is being accomodating my new ever changing schedule, changing her hours so I can attend UNI or school placements.

I could try to enforce a boundary, saying I won't be here to watch my kids whilst you are dancing with OM, but if I did this my W would not accomodate my changing schedule & I could not rely on others to pick my kids up & mind them without paying for childcare, which I cannot afford right now. I am not going to act on this possible boundary just yet & will post my goals that I want to work towards whilst I am still living with my W and kids.

Goal 1. Communication - I want to be more open, assertive and communicate my day to day and how I feel without worrying about my W's reactions.

Plan for Goal 1

- Initiate conversation after my W is home from work. After dinner I will make a hot drink & start the conversation asking about my W's day & telling her what the kids have done

- then I will share what has happened in my day, discuss any upcoming plans.

- If my W wants to talk I will listen and validate as much as possible.

- I will remain positive during all interactions.

Goal 2. Use my Initiative - I want to be more outgoing, doing things for my W and children, planning through my own inititive - not being asked to do things I know I could be doing and doing them without expectations.

Plan for Goal 2

- Morning time, I will continue to be more considerate to my W of a morning - offering to make tea & breakfast, packed lunch whilst I am making one for the kids anyway.

- I will offer more compliments, genuine ones, when my W has got ready to go somewhere without any asking or hinting for them (pay more attention).

- I will make a to-do-list of things that need doing in the house & try to knock one of them off each month.

- I will clean the car & hoover it once a month, check oil, water & tyre pressure - I will do this with the kids to teach them what I am doing & this will be another sign of showing I am concerned with my W's well being & safety (as I rarely drive the car & it gets her to work & back).

There is more to continue here, will post later - got to go

Bill