Just have a q-- during the last 4 mos, I have mentioned to W aboutme reading a lot on the net and books. And even offered her some of the advice that she should find happiness within herself etc. At one point, I think sarcastically she mentioned what about an affair do you have a book on ending an affair? And now I know anything from me she would see as no genuine maybe I can guide my SIL on a good book to read for her, any suggestions? Maybe coming from SIL will not be too bad?
The trap door that will catch you every time is this: you just want to try and "reason" with her. That's how men get caught in a R talk, b/c they can't give up trying to reach her sensibility. When that doesn't work, then the H wants somebody else to talk his W into staying in the M. Again, this is all very common from what we read from the posters here on the board.
Here's my advice about your SIL. Don't make any suggestions to her about what to say to your W. I know you feel desperate to get the right information into the hands of your W, but you can't be behind the curtains (so to speak) giving clues or instructions to your SIL as to what to say.
Even though your W is still in an A fog, she still knows you (and her sister) very well. She'll see through it and she'll reject it as soon as she figures out you were behind it. I don't think your W will stay with her if your SIS tries to get her to read, talk, hear, or watch anything about M. Your W will just want her sister to "listen".....not advise.
A lot depends upon timing. Nobody could reach me in the beginning of my EA. Everything my H did to make a "point" for the M.....turned my stomach. He could pass by a picture of our grandchild and make a remark about how precious she was....and I'd feel like it was his way of getting a message about the importance of family & marriage to me. Of course, I resented the heck out of it! It actually sickened me whenever he pulled a stunt like that. I knew him! I knew what he was doing! That's why suggesting books or videos, etc., is not accepted warmly by the WAW. Even if she seems to be considering ending the A, you cannot afford to try to get her to read what "you" think would be good for her. She's not ready to hear what you want.
I want to encourage you to not tell your W what all you've read. Don't tell her how hard you are working to change yourself. I know you want to do that very badly, but it is the wrong thing to do. Just remember that it will pull you back to square one every time you tell her any thing like that. How will she know what you've read? That's just it, she doesn't have to know. What you really want her to understand is that you are working hard to fix what's broken. But there is only one way that works. You have to keep your mouth closed and just "become" what you learn. You don't try to reason with her through whatever information you've received. It's hard, but it's the only way.
The WAW has a awful amount of resentment toward the LBH. Have your read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome? Find it here on the home page and read it.
There are at least four major things your W will have to deal with, and will continue, for quite some time. Of course, one of those major things is her addiction for the EA with OM. You are very correct when you said she went through withdrawals. That is probably why they rekindled the A (if it really ever stopped)b/c it is highly addictive. Depression seems to always follow ending an A.
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Also, the first time she cut contact with OM, she was really depressed I think kind of like being a drug addict (I read somewhere) and I think she went through withdrawals from OM. I think she is having withdrawals now any suggestions on this or just let her be?
IMHO, when a woman ends an A (even if she makes the decision b/c she discovers OM is a cad), she is suddenly left feeling very empty. That's a horrible experience for anyone, no matter if they are to blame or not. She doesn't have any loving feelings for her H. She just feels a huge void. It's that same void that can turn a lot of people toward another person. She will be very vulnerable. Not only will she be depressed about her life, but she feels she gave up her chance for happiness when she gave up the OM. (That's part of the fantasy.) But then, the withdrawal comes. If I had not had people on this board to coach me and tell me what was happening and what to expect, I don't know if I would have made it through my ordeal. I had never heard about the PEA chemical changes the brain experienced when having an A. If you haven't read about it, search it out on the Internet. Very interesting stuff.
She will go through the initial withdrawal and then hard withdrawal symptoms. If she has any contact with the OM it can pull her back to square one in withdrawing. That's why no contact by any means is so important.
So, she'll experience addiction withdrawal and depression. That in itself would be enough for any MR to withstand, but there's the issue she will have with resentment. Now remember, I'm just talking about her feelings. You will have plenty of your own issues, also.
Whenever I read a story from a LBH who says his WAW
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
