Hoping it's not too late

[MandyRwaw]

When was I pushing or pressuring him???

He calls, emails, texts - for the past 2 weeks I've only responded. We're having a civil conversation and then he asks me to bed...how is that on ME?

Are you saying I should be ignoring him? How will that help?

And he's not the only one who is stressed! I'm changing jobs, moving AND trying to save my M - all at the same time!

[MrBond]

Since you started on this board.

Yes he calls and emails you, but bottom line is that he told you he wasn't interested or at least not yet, in a relationship.

"Are you saying I should be ignoring him? How will that help?"

No you don't have to ignore him, you just don't have to jump into bed with him.

"And he's not the only one who is stressed! I'm changing jobs, moving AND trying to save my M - all at the same time!"

You never mentioned he was stressed. At least here you admit this is for you.

Look, bottom line is that you kept pushing him away and after reading all of the things you said you did, from a guy's point of view, you're lucky he didn't dump you from the get go. Just being honest.

The issue that hasn't been addressed or healed is the issue of trust. Right now, the sex, light conversations don't address the issue. They're just band aids. Because the trust issue hasn't been taken care of, it WILL come back again. I don't know how many posters have come here, done the exact thing you did, thought their M was healed, and then came back because they went back into their old habits and didn't heal the base problem that got them there in the first place.

If you feel the need to talk to him, then suggest C for the two of you or go to a retreat like Retrouvaille or a private session with MWD. It will open your eyes for the two of you.

[MandyRwaw]

I didn't realize that encouraging our conversations and responding to his advances could be pressure on him...because HE was initiating. I figured if he wasn't interested in the thought of us, he would have dropped the subject (and the passion) by now.

The first issue of trust to overcome is to see if he can trust what I say. I said a lot of mean and horrible things in the end of R. That's all on me, I was reflecting my fears and insecurities on him. As for having him believe what I say now, that can only be done through consistency and regular contact. That's why I keep responding to contact.

And he doesn't want to see a MC yet. Not until he decides what comes next. He is wondering if he should just take some time and be alone for awhile. No more OW, but no more R with me either.

Yes, the sex should stop. It's only messing with both of our heads (and my heart). My gut feeling is that if he can't stand to spend time with me outside the bedroom, why should I be playing with him in it.

I've got a busy week, that should allow me to keep my distance and will give him some space. But I'm not going anywhere. Well, unless he can say "no" instead of "I don't know". And if that takes 6 weeks, 6 months or longer...I will wait until I feel I can't anymore.

[Just A Guy]

I am right there with you Mandy, I will continue to work on me and if W wants to come around and be with me then we will. If the time comes where I feel this is futile and I don't want to try anymore then I will move on as a better person than before. I feel like I have a great shot and I don't want to squander it. You should try and pull back HARD over the next week or two.

[MandyRwaw]

Journaling

H called again last night...didn't ask me over, but hinted. I didn't bite. Truthfully, I'd already been sleeping for almost an hour when he called, otherwise I'd have been tempted.

And then no messages from H today. That feels so weird...

And he had a good reason to send one. One of the appraisers called today for appointment, he could have messaged to confirm the appointment. It's good that we're taking some space.

Plus he acknowledged yesterday that he understood this was all very stressful for me too.

Told a good friend tonight about my change of heart. She was surprised and at the same time she couldn't believe the difference in my attitude from a just over year ago to now.

When we reconciled last summer, she was worried because issues were never addressed. No admission of wrongdoings or MC, just a decision to "try" to work things out. And not surprised when they didn't...

That is a huge improvement from last July. I have admitted my share of the problems and have resolved to work on my shortcomings. Last July I was convinced it was his fault and I was only reacting to his 'faults'.

I didn't realize that I was part of the problem. I felt I my feelings/thoughts/actions were a result of the problem. Acknowledging that I have to share the blame, plus I have my own issues to deal with is a HUGE step forward! And she sees that

[Just A Guy]

And YOU see that, but you need to use that as fuel to shut down these temptations from this sitch. You need to show H how strong you are and how changed you truly are becoming by totally pulling back and detaching. No more booty calls and no more of letting him take advantage of the sitch. It's only going to make you look week and feel resentment eventually.

Be strong Mandy!!!

[AnotherStander]

I finally asked him if we could try to spend some time together "outside" the bedroom and he says he's not ready yet. He says he feels weird about it - on one hand, he's still married and on the other, still in a new relationship.

That is just completely bizarre reasoning. He feels weird about going for a walk or dinner because he's in a new relationship, but sleeping with you is A-OK. That says a lot about his character.

My gut tells me he is afraid to feel more and I told him as much. He's still not sure if he can trust me, I tell him that it will take time.

If you're actively DB'ing then it would be a good idea not to tell him what you think he's feeling. If he wants to talk about his feelings then by all means empathize with him, but don't start the conversation, let him.

My gut tells me he is afraid to feel more and I told him as much. He's still not sure if he can trust me, I tell him that it will take time. He's still undecided, but talks about what people would think/say if we were to reconcile.

Wow, he must have self-esteem issues if something as important as reconciling his marriage is dependent upon what other people would think.

He talks about what life would be like together - both good and bad scenarios. When he thinks about what it would do to OW, he gets upset and blames himself for moving on too quickly.

Well he's going to hurt someone regardless, either you or the OW. And he will be hurt regardless too. I think I mentioned earlier in your thread that this is my greatest fear- that I will move on, start a new relationship and then my WAW will want to reconcile. That's why I've decided to give her some time.

As I left yesterday morning, we said we were going to take a few days break, but then he sends me an email last night to see if I wanted to come over...I had other plans, so he wrote back it was probably for the best...

Good! That is good DB'ing, be mysterious and not always available. Let him wonder what you're thinking and doing.

[MandyRwaw]

Thanks Guy,

I will be trying really hard to pull back - it's tough though...I pushed him away for so long, the last thing I want to do now is push him away again.

There has to be a balance...somehow to keep our friendship growing without conversations always turning to sex.

Just have to find that "balance"...

[Just A Guy]

Yeah well find things you can do instead of the sex that are no strings attached. Things that will spark conversations which lead to finding out new things about eachother. W and I went mountain biking and then cloud watching. Then a few days ago we got coffee and went for a walk. Sounds corny bu it was nice and pressure free..

[MandyRwaw]

PS: Just for fun, I just counted the emails he sent me today.

25 in less than 12 hours...Not one yesterday...It's so messed up