This is what I've already said on this subject:
He's not judge and jury of your progress. I know we sometimes think that all we want is for our spouses to see our changes. But even if you two never reconciled I think you're happier to have grown and learned these past few months. Maybe he needs to tell himself that, maybe he's stubborn, maybe he wanted to hurt you. I don't know. But what do you believe? Because that's what matters. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug!!!


Let's say there was a massive explosion in a building. What would authorities do? Tend the the wounded, make sure everyone was safe, create boundaries around the area do traffic could get by (that's your first step take care of you, nurse your hurt feelings, create a few boundaries) then only after all the people were cleared, the fire put out, the structure deemed safe would investigators go in to determine where it happened, why it happened, and if anyone was at fault.
..

Having read the story I will say this...

What jumped out at me was how much of it was about him:
his feelings, his LL, him figuring out the slippers, etc.

I'm your friend, I'm in your corner, and I'm going to say about you that...The man is not even bothering listening to voicemails. You're right all communication happens on his terms: on the deck, phone calls, etc.

I will also say that just like you are sitting here regretting some things that you said in anger he may be doing the same thing. Don't choose that one sentence he said and hold on it and use it to hurt yourself again and again.

You know what? we know you've changed...the zig that goes to concerts and trips and events on her own. The zig that wears crazy colours she never would have chosen in the past. In fact you could probably make a much better list than I could...so maybe in the spirit of loving lists you should make a little list and remind yourself of all the ways you've grown.

Maybe he chose that one thing because he knew it would hurt you. maybe it's his defense and he's looking to pounce the one time you falter a tiny bit. But all of that is mind reading and focusing on him.

To be honest dear girl I don't know ANYONE that wouldn't have lost patience with his insanity over the slippers. So perhaps the parenting terms and boundaries will need to be redrawn. But you deserve common courtesy and politeness...and he didn't give you that.

Please please please don't beat yourself up. Everyone falls down, everyone says things they don't like. After I had the big freak out in the field and felt like I'd undone anything I'd built...It was like well that happened and now it won't anymore.