Turtles, Lists and Toilet Brushes

[zig]

The feeling that i am left with after all that happened is "i must have done something wrong, but i cannot figure out what it is", along with a feeling of helplessness.

when i found this = i understood so much about what has been going on here . h applies the 'can't talk' rule to us. he denies both s and me any acknowledgement that our feelings exist. because if WE have any feeling it reflects on his performance - so the only ones that we can legitimately show to him are only very positive ones. following the db rules and acting as if i was happy etc for all these months, kept the peace wonderfully - he was getting exactly what he wanted. now when i have withdrawn and do not give him anything, and i question his controlling behavior - his old pattern of shutting me down rises up big-time. all was well for this last year because i didn't question anything


The "Can't talk" Rule
This rule is applicable to any system (family, friendship, marriage, political or religious group) that uses unhealthy manipulation and coercion to control the behavior and feelings of others. Jeff Van Vonderen labeled and uses this rule when counseling families during interventions (He appears on the A&E channel's show called Intervention.) I would imagine that all relationships or systems (no matter how loving or healthy) can apply the "Can't Talk" to some degree.

Dr. Van Vonderen defines it:
The dynamic: Relationships and behaviors are manipulated by very powerful unspoken rules. These rules are seldom, if ever, are said out loud. The only time you can be sure that an unspoken rule is there is if you break it. In fact, when spoken out loud many of [these rules] sound ridiculous. No one says out loud, "What people think about us is more important than what is really happening." Yet the unspoken rules communicate these and other shaming messages.

Two specific unspoken rules that are more damaging than any others are these: "Can't talk," and "Can't win."
The "Can't-talk" rule keeps people quiet by labeling them as the problem if they notice and confront a problem. [This rule] goes something like this: "There really aren't any problems here. If you think there is a problem, you are the problem."

The truth of the matter is that some parents [or friends, spouses, groups, etc.] are threatened, and afraid of what the existence of a problem "says" about them as human beings and leaders. In other words, if there is a problem--or even a question--then the person raising the issue must be challenging them [in a negative way]. No matter how gently the questions is raised, you become the issue in a shame-based system. It's as if naming a problem out loud caused the problem to exist, which, of course, is not true. Individuals in this kind of system learn not to bring up a problem or question for fear of making waves. Because people feel they cannot talk about an unspoken rule, they learn to talk in "code" to convey what they mean.


The "Can't-talk" rule is given in shame-based relationships for three reasons:

1. If my value and acceptance are earned by my performance, then any lapse in performance shames me and can't be talked about.
2.If a lapse in my performance cannot be covered up, then I must project the blame away from myself so I can avoid being shamed. Therefore, if you confront me, I'll blame you for making a big deal out of nothing, or for being oversensitive.
3. In order for all of the unspoken rules to have power to control people's lives, they must remain unspoken. "Can't talk" keeps them that way.

The "Can't-talk" rule shames anyone who brings the unspoken rules into the light. Left in the dark, the rules have an incredible amount of power. While they remain unspoken they have power to control. When they are said out loud, they look as inappropriate and shaming as they are (Van Vonderen, "Tired of Trying to Measure Up: Getting Free From the Demands, Expectations, and Intimidation of Well-Meaning People", pp. 51-52).