busted affair again!

[newman7977]

Journaling~~

Another positive night. I got home tonight and W is running late from work. So I took the kids and bought dinner. Took all 3 of them with me. So whats the big deal? Well, the old me wouldn't have done this, the old me would've waited for the W to get home and make her buy dinner, yes sad to say but that was me. By the time I got home buying food W was home. No biggie for her and I realized she's seeing it and she just don't want to admit it--like she said before "a little too late". If she doesn't see it that still fine since my kids and I had a great time driving. We all ate dinner and that's that, WE WERE ALL HUNGRY

A couple of things though in the middle of getting dinner and post dinner. I texted W to see if she will eat before she gets home, she didn't reply right away so I called for dinner. But while I was phoning the order she text me, call my cell, and called the house phone. D17 answered since I was on the phone ordering food. I can hear in the background the people from her work it's almost like telling me that look I'm really at work don't you hear my coworkers, I'm not with OM? I don't know what to make of this but atleast she's making me aware that she's really at work? Maybe she's trying to win my trust again?

The second thing is that I brought up the S talk. We were suppose to start tomorrow, and she's suppose to leave. I saw in her facial expressions that she didn't really want to do it but I didn't want to say I take it back. I simply said "what do you feel about tomorrow's arrangement, do we proceed with TS?" And she just said "did you want me to come home or do I go straight to SIL?" I replied and said "well I'm thinking maybe we should put it off until we see counseling"? So we're basically answering questions with questions. So she also said "yes, I think TS is good idea but I think we need to do it correctly with counseling help." I left it at that so for now our TS is on hold.

So now we're back in the same spot, living in the same roof, but I did tell her that I don't know how would I react if this EA happen again, and that I won't be a part of this love triangle. And she assured me it won't happen again that this is a wake up call for her.

We talked briefly about our R, and I basically said so now we'll try again? Bad move Newman, I knew the answer to that, and her answer is "well it's not that I want to but, I don't hate you but I don't know if my feelings would return." And I got sucked in more, and I said "well the EA, I'm not owning up to, that was your decision. But what I'm owning up to is creating your feelings the way you felt" and she said she's really sorry for what happened." It was getting in deeper getting emotional and then that's when I decided to shut up, and I said ok and left the MB.

So it goes--

Thanks again everyone! You have no idea how this is really helping me cope with this painful part of my life. But I feel as even if our R don't work out, I will be a better man by then. I'm learning so much about myself. I normally don't spill my guts to anyone not even my friends and here I am spilling everything to save my marriage. Much respect to the WAW and LBS here in DB!

Newman