DB Bootcamp - dawnmarie and zig et al

[albamarie]

Hi Zig, Great day today here in the midwest. Hope yours was sunny too!

I told my H today, as he was trying to pick on me, that I will not take him talking mean to me…he asked if he could be mean to himself, I walked away silently.

H said I should date his rich client for the money, he said F*** love, I’m not going to get that from “him” anymore, go for the money…. well that’s his cross he carries, so I told him he will not talk to me like that again.

Cadet said it’s his own guilt and shame he’s trying to release. H does feel like such a looser in life, and so dead inside that he tries to agitate me to quicken him when he can’t get motivated to do anything.

Well I shot him down without conflict, and he stopped, shared a 9/11 documentary with me, and enjoyed his dinner with compliments. I don’t really get anything out of all the hard work he requires, even his compliments (which I loved) now feel meaningless, empty, not satisfying, though I know at the time he says it, he means it.

So it is getting easier everyday to detach and be different from the way I acted before. H said he didn’t deserve my dinner (as he was shoveling it in) my thought was “shut up”, SOS talk, this is too boring to respond to.

It feels so much better at the end of an attempted rant... to have control and not have gone down the rabbit hole with him. I feel better about myself…my kids don’t have to see me distraught anymore…and in the end H does respond a little more positive.

When you are detached you are naturally distancing.

I’m sure this is where I’m at now. It does feel more “natural” everyday to do things on my own, call my friends a little more, make a fire in the yard, sit with the boys as they teach me how to enjoy their drink creations (ah, young men an their blenders).

I have stopped snooping…. and learned that it is better not knowing. I see he still takes $20 from the account a few times a week to give ow/ea food money (dirt poor alcoholic) but I never comment on it anymore. Hell, I feed my squirrels better than that…an my dog eats organic, the topic of her is not worth my breath.

This first lesson I learned (before dbing) was act “as if” and the results were so surprising. I took the good, but couldn’t handle the bad. Detaching helps strengthen and backs up the “as if” keeping me from letting a sitch get bad in the first place. Make sense?

I like the new-minded approach, my baby steps, that make every morning a little easier to face. The road ahead is long, winding, and bumpy, but I’m not alone, I’ve always known that, but never saw it until now as I peek out of my own tunnel.

I'm still working on those pattern as everyday brings another one to surface...I see how this could be a life long journey. You are such a great help, listener, teacher of your own experiences, that I would not be were I'm at right now. Thanks for share your insight as we both continue to DB our way through the muck.

Off to read co-dep no more...some more!