In the process of seperating need urgent advice

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rkyfat73,

I'm in a similar situation -- my W asked for a D in early July 2011. She agreed to come back and work on the marriage in August 2011. She came back, but she hasn't been working on it. I confronted her in July 2012 and got similar script to what you got above -- ILYBINILWY, feelings gone a long time ago, etc.

I've been working on this for over a year, I've really only seen two paths for when the feelings are gone and there is no OM involved. The first path is the book "His Needs Her Needs" gives a prescription for restoring romantic love in your marriage. It says you have to remove anything that is annoying your wife or otherwise preventing her from enjoying your company -- they call those "love busters". The other thing you have to do is find out what your wife's top needs are, and learn how to supply them. There is a website in support of this book and that philosophy. They prescribe that if you're able to do these two things, eventually your wife will feel love for you again, but it could take two years or more of consistent effort.

FWIW, my own experience with this plan has not been great. It's not easy to exactly pinpoint what your wife may need most and how she needs to receive it as she may not be in touch with it herself, so it takes quite a bit of trial and error. If your wife is non-cooperative, it can be like throwing darts. The book assumes that you're going to work on it together, and in my opinion there's little incentive for the "out of love" spouse to do that.

The second path is in "dropping the rope" and letting her go, which is to say that you move on emotionally and build a new life. That's not to say that you instantly start dating, or file for divorce, only that you stop doing anything to actively "work on the marriage" and instead be polite, friendly and cooperative, but don't worry about what she does or doesn't do, and instead focus on pursuing your own happiness.

Of these two strategies, I've only seen the second one work on this site, but unfortunately by the time people get there they often no longer want to reconcile because they truly have moved on. You've got your wife on a pedestal now because you can't have her, but that will pass given sufficient time and you will come to see things a bit more rationally.

I wish I could give you a better prescription, but I've been at this for about 16 months of concerted effort and that's what I've found.

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