best and worse thing to ever go through

[Grocerykartman]

Eyes,

Sorry you haven't received a response in addition to Cadet's yet. Hang in there and I hope others will chime in too. Several observations from my end:

I also realize that she is driving the bus right now and I am ok with that.

Just because she's driving the bus to a destination you don't want to go to, that doesn't mean you have to stay on the bus and watch. She's wanted to separate from you and has done so. So use this time to take a different bus to places you DO want to go to. Meaning, go do fun stuff that you want to do.(but behave yourself). Got any old hobbies or sports you more or less quit doing while you were married but would be happy to start up again? Are you working out and taking care of yourself? Got any old friends you can reconnect with? Got some current friends you can hang with more and just go be a dude with? In short, if you spend all your time in the passenger seat wacthing her take control of your life, where does that leave you?

Also, are you working again?

I have offered my help as far painting her townhouse that she is renting. She asked today if I would put a water softener in for her, I said for sure. I am just not sure how much I should do for her but as of right now things seem to be going pretty well.

Here's my opinion on it, though others may differ. I've seen sentiments in the past on this site that say you shouldn't do anything for her. In my opinion, remember that your kids will live at her place too, and, frankly, who do you want them to see doing things for them? Based on what you said, I would have happily painted their rooms, and probably left the rest of the place up to your wife to paint. Regarding stuff like a water softener, I WOULD install it, but only if asked and not "right away". I think you need to stay busy enough when you're not with your kids to make yourself unavailable a lot of the time, and that you'll have to fit things like this in. All the while keeping happy..but you have to not just look independently busy but BE independently busy.

Couple questions, any advice on how to respond to, I miss you, or I don't want to fake it anymore?

Has she said either of these statements to you already?

One other question, how can you detach and be a unconditional friend at the same time?

One of those most common terms used on here is "counter-intuitive." And detaching is counterintuitive. Seems like detaching would make her feel like you're walking out on her, but it seems to always be just the opposite.

They may not ultimately change their minds, but the WAW's do notice when you start having a life without them and don't base your every move on them.

Don't confuse unconditional friendship with unconditional presence. SHE MOVED OUT. So use a majority of the time apart to do things for yourself, and detach during this time. Save a minority of the time to be present for her. Treat her like a good male friend whom you would be an unconditional friend to, but need to keep a certain distance away from in order to maintain your own life and to keep from, essentially, bugging him too much. (Except in her case, swap the word "smothering" for "bugging")

I will state that this is just my opinion, and if you read my signature below, I did ultimately wind up divorced. But, my relationship with my STBXW and then XW only took a turn for the better once I detached, made some new friends, and started doing thigs I wasn't doing before. We talked of reconciling many months before and after the divorce but for a myriad of reasons I won't get into, that did not occur. Regardless, the point is, neither the improved relationship or talk of reconciliation seemed possible until I got my own life. We do not think it's out of the question now that we could reconcile even though we are not planning to.

So the above is my advice to you. Listen to what Cadet said in his original response. He is right on.

I wish you well.