Just to add. I didn't talk about or ask what my wife was doing at least for the last 2 months. It seems this total turn around is due to the truth coming out and now there's no need for them to pretend anymore. That's my gut feeling and if I'd went with my gut feeling from day 1 I wouldn't have been chasing my tail looking for answer and getting responses designed to deflect away from the affair. In her defence of hiding the infidelity she was able to just list a massive reason for why our marriage failed. I always knew she was adding things on constantly to push me away but I wasn't gonna stand there and be lied to and made a fool out of. My tactic now is now she's been honest with me show her the honesty has worked and we can begin to talk with no presure or anger because she has shown me respect.
Is that the correct way to do it? Do not contact her, let her contact me and when she does be strong and show her her honesty has changed the situation to a situation that's workable but without me not following my principles. Is this the correct approach?
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
with that in mind her OM is not to enter our marital home
Boundaries are good, but this is one you can't enforce unless you are there all the time. If she brings OM into your marital home, then what? Really there's nothing you can do in response to that boundary being crossed. A boundary has to be expressed in a way that the consequence is something YOU will do, not that someone else can or cannot do. For instance, "I will not be spoken to with that tone, if you use that tone, I will walk away and end the conversation." That's something you can enforce. You're not saying "you can't use that tone", you're saying that "if you do, I will end the conversation." Subtle but important difference.
Originally Posted By: KevinScotland
My tactic now is now she's been honest with me show her the honesty has worked and we can begin to talk with no presure or anger because she has shown me respect.
You are interpreting an act of giving on her part where none exists. I don't think she did this FOR you, do you?
You shouldn't be using pressure or anger anyway because neither one will work, they will only make your situation worse. Even if she blatantly disrespects you pressure and anger won't help you accomplish your goals.
Your tactic should be to let her know you are open to reconciling. Tell her that only once, if she's not deaf, she heard you so no need to repeat it. Then, give her space and let her do as she will, because you can't control her. Trying to do so will only make you crazy. DivorceBusting suggests you should:
(1) 180: Turn around the things that annoyed her historically. Do the opposite of what she might expect, but do it for yourself. Don't do anything to put on a show, earnestly evaluate what you need to change to be successful in this or any other relationship.
(2) GAL: Go out and get a life, have fun, it makes you attractive and someone who it seems fun to be with.
(3) Act-as-If: Act as if everything is fine. Be happy when you see her, not happy *to* see her, happy in spite of seeing her.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I understood the boundary could be crossed as far as him in our home. If she does as far as am concerned that is total disrespect for our marriage and if that line is crossed I know I will find out about it eventually and if he does enter our home after putting this demand in place there is absolutely no way I'd want to reconcile.
It's a boundary but also a line if she crosses is too much for me.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
OK, "If you bring a boyfriend into our marital home I will _______________"
Fill in the blank. What will you do? File for divorce? Sell the house? The consequence has to be something you will do, that you *can* do, and that you are willing to do to enforce the boundary.
The worst thing you can do is lay down a boundary, watch it get broken, and then not follow through, so choose your stated boundaries wisely.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Let me explain a bit more. I can make contact anytime I want. And she would invite me in and offer me a drink and sit and chat no problem at all. Should I use this to my advantage. She definatly wants to keep intouch with me but am not going to be a plan b.
There has never been a problem me poppin round for a visit.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
As far as the OM in our home she said while very upset After telling me the truth about the affair she would like to invite him round so he could meet the dogs. I told her "I can't allow that at the moment because things are too raw just now but I shall give it some thought.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Am starting to realise also (probably too late) that I've been dancing around tryin to not upset her and be mr nice and caring. Like the way I've been for years before she took my balls. I need to stop this. Man up, make some boundarys, explain divorce is not the solution I see as how to fix our marriage and am willing to talk about it if she wants too but the affair must end before we can seriously do that and as long as this affair continues then I will not try to change her mind but I will not assist this divorce or the affair to continue (watching the dogs and so on to help her sell our home or let her get out to work events).
I know I have to show strenght now. I just need some help finding it and keepin on the right path.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
It's important not to thrash around between various strategies and approaches. I think the vets here will tell you that putting together a plan specifically to get your spouse back really won't work. The key is in understanding what you need to change about yourself to make yourself the best spouse you can be for *anyone*. Once you are living your life the way you want to live it, and are in touch with exactly who you want to be, your wife *will* notice those changes and that's when you have a chance for a new start.
If she suspects that you're doing something "to get her back", then her natural fear is that as soon as she comes back, you regress to the man you were and everything goes back to how it was before, and she doesn't want that back.
Read "DivorceBusting" and "The Divorce Remedy". Based on how you're thinking about things above, there are three more books I can suggest that are male-oriented:
"Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." "No More Mr. Niceguy"
These books are about boundary setting and enforcement. It's about eliminating passive aggressive behaviors, making covert contracts, and giving in order to get. A lot of guys here find this very useful.
"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"
This book is about being a husband that is attractive to women. It talks about the fact that men have alpha traits and beta traits. Alpha traits are dominant behaviors, and beta traits are supporting and caring behaviors. Over the course of a marriage, it's possible to end up too far on one end of the spectrum, and this book is about finding your way back to a mix that works for your wife. Too caring (beta) is not attractive, too dominant and independent (alpha) and they don't feel fulfilled. Good stuff to read but don't expect miracles.
Of course start with "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy", until you read those you are wasting your time trying to formulate your own plans, you don't have a map yet.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Once again thank you for everyone who is reading and replying to my posts.
To begin with if anyone new to this site is reading my sitch I'd say to them hang in there, things do get better. Am starting to find a little peace of mind. And I was one of they people who read others say "it'll get better but I was sure I was different".
Am still waiting on my books to appear. But it's clear from the advice am getting I have to find out who I am, do things I enjoy as me. Don't try to be someone am not. Be myself. I am starting to get there slowly. VERY SLOWLY. But am moving along at my pace. Patience is the word I keep hearing and it's not just patience until my wife sees any changes but patience with myself. Am enjoying my days more. It's not all doom and gloom but I deserve to be happy on my own and hopefully share that with someone special (yes my wife who I love).
Time will heal and time will tell.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Just thought I'd write a wee bit on here to get some thoughts on paper.
My wife's small bit of honesty has helped me alot in starting to let go. Her having an affair is one thing. I know our marriage wasn't perfect and had got in a rut because of how difficult the last year has been, we failed in communicating because of the sensitive situation we had been going through in the last year, our sex life had become very quiet. These were all things I wanted to change but things were never at the right point so we could both talk about these things and begin to face them head on and deal with them. What am saying is I can understand that my wife in her emotional state thinks an affair is the answer (I shall put it in the way I think it is (another man who in her eyes is a better choice than her marriage)). I can see how this was easier for her than puttin the effort into our marriage. My wife really doesn't enjoy facing things head on and would rather run than fight. I am not stupid. My gut feelings haven't let me down when I thought something was going on and I've been proven right. But using that same gut feeling I know my wife loves me and is running and making a mistake. (that's one reason I fight to save our marriage. I know she wants me (the me when we got married).
It was the worse feeling ever to see my wife lying to me. Knowing she was, confronting her with the truths but her still lying and making excuses ( once again her running rather than dealing with it). I believe now my wife and I are at a place now the truth is out or that she's admitted to me the affair we can at least have a polite and friendly relationship.
I don't know what's going to happen. If she will realise this is just a quick fix for her and true love and happiness lays with me. But I know there's no more aggression in me towards her now. The lying made me angry not her panic and silly choices. We're all human after all and make mistakes. Today it's about lettin go of what's happened it can't be changed and working on today only. I know from how am feeling I can and will make changes and choices to benifit me. Days will be good and bad but how I deal with they days is what effects MY tomorrow.
Am sure there are gonna be more twists and turns ahead but now am in the right frame of mind to deal with them. Am hopefully gonna be buying a nice house/apartment for myself soon. That's gonna be a wonderful experience for me. Am really excited about that. It might not work out but I really want my own place to make a home for me.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
