Trust can be regained of course, and it takes TWO to make it work. Rigth now I am not in the position to make any decisions, I am hurt, my head is foggy, my feelings are all out of wack and the only clear thing is that I can not make any decisions.
A month and a half ago, I went back home, just to see it crumble again in two weeks. I went out for a couple of hours because my W was going out with her cousins and we were supposed to come back at the same time, I got home, but she never did and we have been separated again since that day. After that, I just crumbled, my desire to R the M are next to nothing. Like I said, it has to be something that comes from her that will make me re-start the sparkle. So far, I have not seen anything, and your question to me will probably be: How will she ever know what she needs to do to regain your trust? She is not a mind reader that is for sure, and I would not expect her to do anything. What I am saying is that I would like to see that she is going opposite way on the stuff she is doing right now not because I have to tell her, but because it is her desire to do so. In those two weeks I did let her know that my trust in her was weak, and that I needed to be reasured of her commitment, just like it says on the DB book. It did not happened.
I am working on myself, it is a long road and will take time. I am working on detaching, even though it is pretty difficult, but every day I put my family in God's hand and ask him to bring His peace on me as well as W. I am coming to terms that I am not the fixer of her life, I want to be on the point of knowing that I love her, but though it out and let her deal with her own responsabilities. The most difficult thing for me right now is not to give in, I have done it twice this week, 1st when she looked for me, and 2nd this Sunday when I felt the necessity to see her. I see this setbacks, but I am not going over and over again feeling guilty for giving in. I see them as an opportunity to see where my weakness is and work on it. I am on the Lord's hands, and learning that my relationship with Him needs to be restored first before anything else.
I know she is hurting, I have witness it twice this past week that we came in contact. I can see in her face going thru alot of emotions, she only knows what she is dealing with, but I can definately see it is not easy for her as well when she sees me. Both times she cried, so I guess she feels guilty and remorse.
I have kept from most of the part not to blame her, or remind her of her faults. This past time, I just could not take it anymore, but from there she started defending her self and pointing out to the wrongs in our relationship, this time I just listened to her.
Eric, I know what you are saying, and for me not to take any decisions that I will regret. I also sense that is better to stand for my R and endure the raid. To really love someone is to risk pain, but right now is way to risky because is going over any healthy boundaries, that is way I am saying that I do not want to go thru that pain again. It is too early for me to take on XW word and try it again.
I have the need and the want to better my self, for this R or if there is a new one on the future. I am on the Lord's hand and I am just waiting on Him to renew my strength to soar with eagles wings, to run and not be weary, to walk and not to faint (Isaiah 40:31). Here is were I stand now, in fixing my self with God, and learning to let God fix the others.
Eric, you are a God's send. Your advice and insights have made me see many faults and many goods in me. I will always be greatful.
