Hi tumbling , i hope you are staying strong and well done for hanging in there and doing what you are doing . I'm new on here so i dont really have much advice yet . I was intrigued by you description of an 'abandonment trigger ' . Ive never heard of one but from how you describe it i think i have one . I hated feeling neglected and ignored emotionally and physically by my wife and felt way way down on her priorities list . She says Im needy and 'mardy' and its emotionally draining for her . I can see where shes coming from, but it hurts to be ignored . Sometimes when we arent talking much or when im working away from home during the week , she can go all week without ringing or txtg , and like you if i txt and dont get a reply its horrible and are left feeling ignored . It SEEMS like its so easy for her to be dark , i dont know if it is or not but it does seem that way . Also when talk of Separation or No love are mentioned , sometimes i feel week at the knees and a sort of panic sets in , just a feeling of hopelessness. I was wondering if you have any techniques to cope with this 'trigger ' . I'd love to keep it in check , and i'd love for you to be able to too. Keep being strong tumbling and i hope things improve or you .
Here I am again. I posted 3 things during the day yesterday, don't know where they got to...
recapping in case they don't appear Sunday - Went to the gym and then I sent a friendly email about the house quote. Started Hi H, hope you're ok and post holiday blues aren't too bad. Outlined the quote and that I found it excessive but would value his input. That I would like to tell the contractor yes/no Weds so would appreciate his views asap. Also told him about something else (funny) that had happened in the house and said I would sms a photo.
Went out for the day with a friend - had a good time - came home and there was nothing at all in reply to email or photo. It doesn't hurt my heart - it's just plain rude (is that judgemental?). I would not blank someone, esp if I knew in doing so I could hurt the person I least wanted to hurt.
Musing I discovered the picnic and the castle analogy Sunday night and realised I had often spent time hammering on the door, throwing rocks at the windows when the drawbridge was up and even lobbing things over the wall for effect.
I totally get that they come see us at the picnic and then run away. I know better than to follow him to the castle hence I am not there this time.
What I can't fathom is what caused him to go to the castle this time. He checked out the picnic, brought some gifts (flowers), told me he preferred the picnic to the castle, went on holiday, text on landing and then disappeared. I just don't get it, past caving behaviour has been due to perceived/threatened/actual pressure or conflict. But there was none. I text I was glad he was back safe and that if his jetlag wasn't too bad I was in that evening if he wanted to call. It's beyond me. Maybe I should just quit trying to understand.
I am so cross with my Self for letting him near me again because I have slipped back to pondering why he hasn't called.
I don't need to know. That's his business. My business is how I feel about it and whether I want to be around it in future. I don't.
I don't want to be around someone who can treat others so callously. If he got in touch in a friendly way, not about quote, I don't know how I would respond. What would help or hinder our R? Do I care?
I feel sad that this is where we are again.I did so much want to work it out but I just can't trust him with my feelings.
That said I am curious what he might do this time. I will sit here on the blanket quietly minding my own business. He can stay in the castle as long as he likes. The longer he's there, the more time I have to get my head together, focus on what I want, fill my spare time with what I like doing and work out how I will respond when he does get in touch.
I have to admit it's hard to accept that he is choosing not to contact me. I did have a little cry earlier but it's no good feeling sorry for my Self. It doesn't make any difference to the sitch. I bet he's not sitting around feeling sorry for himself. Actually I bet he is!
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Hello HH I'm just off to work but I wanted to say that I saw your question about techniques for dealing with the abandonment trigger.
I have found that if I can watch my thoughts about the meaning we give to their silence then the bad feelings can be kept in check. It's really important to catch the thoughts as they start for me otherwise I spiral into feeling really crap.
So one way that has worked is to take the thought e.g "he hasn't called so he doesn't care about me" and ask - Do I know that thought to be 100% true? and find evidence of the opposite to prove that I do not know this to be the truth (he does care about me because he did xxx this morning).
Choosing your thoughts around something is a very powerful thing. I read the Power of Now earlier this year and Eckhart Tolle proves we are not the Thinker by asking the reader to sit and wait for a thought. Sure enough one eventually appears and you realise your thoughts are NOT you. They are just thoughts that come into your head and we can choose to take notice of them or not.
That said, it's really hard when we start off down the sad feeling road and gather evidence that supports the bad thought instead.
I will try and find your thread later and see how I would feel in your situation and be more specific about what you might try re the triggering thoughts. But for now find the positive evidence (no matter how tiny) that she does care about you.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
I think I am truly DETACHING. I think I am going to be OK. I don't want H back right now - he has really hurt me and I deserve better. I really miss his company but I don't miss the caving and rejection stuff. He hasn't replied to the admin house quote email (yet, tomorrow was my deadline for response.) I have now questioned the price and got it reduced by 1/3. So if H doesn't reply I am going to update him with that info and that I am going ahead. I am not thinking about the divorce process - that makes me feel sad so until I can think about that with less emotional reaction, I'm not going there. Can't start til Nov 1st anyways.
Out tonight with girlfriend. No time for dwelling.
I love this board. It's helping me process.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
So I am back from seeing my friend. I still feel positive and I have no intention of getting in touch with H (I'm off the emotional roller coaster) but I keep checking my phone/emails.
If I was really detached I wouldn't be doing that would I?
I'm scared I will truly detach and my marriage will end. But what other choice is there?
I wonder what he's doing/thinking. I know last time I stopped txtng he got in touch after 5 days but that time I hadn't told him I was letting him go. I didn't want to let him go but I had to as I couldn't stay on the roller coaster, put my Self in a vulnerable position anymore.
I don't get why he said he wanted to try and make us right, listed changes that he and we could make to improve our R and then come back from his trip and not contact me. It doesn't make any sense.
I feel like I have taken my Self to a limbo all of my own making.
I feel alone. I miss H. I didn't want our R to be like this. I'm crying now.
Tumbling
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
But how does letting go/detaching not say to H that I have checked out and that our marriage is over? That's what his silence says to me.
I didn't want to let go. I just didn't want to get all upset again in a pursuit/avoid cycle.
I don't want my marriage to be over but I don't know what to do anymore and hasn't this gone on long enough?
I came home and there was a reminder on the ansaphone about an appointment for H tomorrow. I text him: reminder, x appointment tomorrow at 445pm.
I wish I'd thought more about the text. I wish I had been friendlier rather than cold and robot like. I didn't show the person I am.
Perhaps he'll see my coldness and think I don't want him to get in touch or as an indicator of just how much he has hurt me and will feel bad and withdraw more.
Why is he on radio silence? He has totally ignored all communication from me even when it's non R related. That really hurts.
Why did he say those repair relationship things before his trip and then switch to "caving" after telling me he had landed?
I'm so confused.
On the positive side at least I am not pursuing/pushing for answers but this feels like the biggest cycle yet with us both in NC.
His silence makes me feel that I am still at the mercy of his choices.
Is the only thing I can do - let our relationship completely disintegrate and focus on me?
Maybe we are both scared and don't know what to do?
Me 41 H39 T12 M9 No kids Bomb Oct 2010 and H moves out H moves back Sep 2011 and out Nov 2011 Piecing on and off since then til now Currently tumbling on my own rather than riding the cycling roller coaster
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
