I done a personal inventory last night. I identified parts of me I need to change. The main thing that came out was everything is about me and how am feeling, my hurt, my pain. I also identified other personal changes I need to make. To stop going on and on about things-say it once clearly and then that's the end of it. It really did make me open my eyes. The biggest shock was starting with likes and I couldn't think of one thing to write. Anyway to get to a me that's a positive change I need to do these things. My anger was also a point I want to change. I decided its ok to be angry but keep it to myself and don't lash out at people. Think first, take a deep breath, say if I don't agree but do my anger alone in private. These are all good starts.
Kevin
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
The strangest stuff has started to happen now with my sitch.
Now my W has admitted the truth about her infidelity her friends have now decided to turn on me and have chosen to put the boot it and stated just how they don't wanna be my friend anymore. Seems to me that my W and her 2 friends (who just so happened to be talking to me about the whole thing (I thought being supportive to me)) might have known all along about her affair and were only lying to me to protect her. Am pretty annoyed at all this. Am tempted to get intouch with all 3 and tell them what I think but it's not worth it.
One day at a time I guess.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
I have not read DR yet am still waiting on my copy to appear.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
That's why am talking to people on here as well as reading the books (when they arrive)
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
What makes you say I need guidance as quickly as possible. Excluding the obvious. What is it that jumps out at you?
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
Bond nailed it. You see Scotland, this is how I look at it. Say someones in a 12 step program but decides to skip steps 4-11, same thing my friend. Not a good idea to short circuit these things. Unfortunately I don’t believe they make DR available as an E book however I think its available at most library's or major bookstores. After reading DR, I had a dramatic change in my way of thinking. I view it as the "fundamentals". It's the foundation and building blocks for DB'ing.
_________________________________ Freshman class of 2012 Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 15 Married: 11 D:5 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
Kevin, the short answer is that DR says not to talk to your wife's friends or family about your sitch -- don't ask them to try to influence her on your behalf, and don't use them to gather information about what your wife is doing.
Why?
1) That is HER support structure, not yours. She will resent you for messing with the relationships she relies upon for support
2) Her family and friends are likely to be more loyal to her than to you, so you're setting yourself up to have the rug yanked (as it just was)
3) You will create awkwardness forever with these people once you involve them, even if you later reconcile
4) People who have not been in this situation cannot understand it, therefore they will give both of you bad advice if your goal is to reconcile. They will do it with the best of intentions, but their advice will usually make things worse
5) There is nothing they can say or do anyway to change her mind, and even if they could it would be temporary at best, there are no shortcuts for the passage of time.
Definitely get the book -- check the library
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yea I always knew the things am being told. Funny enough though I actually thought the friends were trying to help me but it's clear they were trying to hide her affair from me and now it's out they don't have to try and be nice anymore.
Anyway, as strange as it seems it's been a relief in a way that the truth is out. It gives me hope that there is a bit of respect there that she was able to do the right thing. For me it's taken away alot of anger. It really drove me up the wall the lies I was being told knowing it was lies but trying to listen to her (dont believe anything they say).
I think now the lies are out and hopefully never to return again I can start improving me. GAL, become a stronger man just like I was at the start of our relationship. Am not going to support this divorce she's going to have to do this all herself. The idea of an agreed seperation (Scottish law) and after a year we get an agreed divorce is not going to happen. I will let her know politely and calmly that these are not my principles (and there not) I don't agree with divorce and I don't think divorce is the answer to our problems so I will not support it and you have to do it alone. Secondly I will tell her again my principles are she turned her back on our marriage but I am not going to allow her to trample all over what we worked hard together for and with that in mind her OM is not to enter our marital home. I don't intend on being angry or treating about it but very assertive and stating this is the man I am and the principles I believe in and are non negotiable.
Tips and advice on this would be handy so I don't make a mess of things.
Kevin.
Me-38W-28. M-2 1/2. Together-7 years OM-14/4/12 Told M in trouble-17/4/12 BD-5/6/12 S-5/6/12 ProofOM-17/06/12 Start to change me-31/08/12 EA+PA-14/04/12-now
