At lunch we talked about how she is bored as a stay at home mom and she fills guilty about it. As the kids get older it is not fulfilling. This something we have talked a bit about over the last few weeks and it made sense and I understand her struggles there.
Make sure you validate her emotions on this and ask her what she thinks she can do to make her life better/ more enjoyable. It sounds pretty clear that she's not happy, and if she's not happy then disaster is looming. One thing most people don't understand is it is not their spouse's fault or their children's fault they're not happy, happiness comes from within. They will abandon everything in search of happiness like it's something tangible that they just need to grab onto to solve all their problems. You can't make her happy, but you can create an environment that fosters her happiness. Find out what that environment is. Maybe once a week you watch the kids while she goes out with friends, or goes to a painting class or something. Tell her how important it is to you and brainstorm it with her.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
Then she mentioned one of her best friends is going through some of the same things in her marriage (EA / unhappy) and I was shocked.
Ah, so she has an enabler. My W does too. Very typical in these situations. They feed off of each other.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
She is really torn between staying and going. She acknowledged that I have changed but she does not understand how I could change so much so quickly. She wished she could change like that but she can not and she does not have feelings like she did before for me.
Don't worry, that's a perfectly normal and common reaction. It will take a lot of time for her to understand your 180's are real. Right now she thinks you're just doing it to get her back and then will fall into your old ways. She spent months or years building a wall around herself and she won't love you again until the wall comes down, but it takes time.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
She was worried that if we divorce the kids will hate her because it will be all her fault and she implied that she was upset because it seemed like I was now a "perfect husband" and yet she could still not be happy.
Most walkways feel similar guilt, but rarely express it until much later. And she can be happy with the "perfect husband", but it'll take her time to come to that realization. Don't try to convince her, just stick with your 180's and show her a happy, confident you. Do validate her concerns, listen to her intently, make lots of eye contact, tell her you understand why she feels that way. Repeat her emotions back to her, tell her things like "it sounds like you're really upset over this, I'm sorry to see you so upset." You're not agreeing, just validating.
Originally Posted By: Sam1313
She also said that she did not feel that she could be intimate with me again physically. That the feelings were not there. She even broached the possibility of us staying together without being physically intimate. That was hard to hear and is not what I want and I hope that is just a manifestation of her current feelings and conflicts.
Memorize DB tip 32:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
Again, empathize. Tell her you understand why she feels that way. But don't believe it, she probably doesn't believe it herself and months down the road will be shocked at some of the things that came out of her mouth.
Your sitch actually sounds very promising, don't get discouraged! You're doing 180's, she not only has noticed them but has acknowledged them! She's not talking about leaving anytime soon, she's looking at a minimum 90 day window, she still wants to do things with you, all very good signs!
