Detaching seems to be a difficult concept for some folks because they think detaching isn't possible unless they act cold, mad, withdrawn, or some other negative behavior. Let me be quick to tell you that that type of behavior will not succeed in drawing your W back into a R with you. Detaching emotionally means that you do not allow your emotion to react to whatever your W may do. She may say something nice to you........don't react. Don't make it more than what it is. She may say something not so nice....you apply the same technique. Don't react and don't make it more than what it is.
Your actions last night was fine. Better than just fine, it was really good! You did not react to her not immediately responding when you went in the house. Instead, you took the lead and spoke with the same courtesy that you would have toward a total stranger. You did not allow your hurt emotions to take the reigns and ruin the family time together. Not only did your W respond to you, but even your teenage D joined in with the family! Personally, I don't think that you behaved in a pursuing manner. Usually, a woman feels that the man is expecting something in return whenever he pursues her. Apparently, she did not feel you were doing that last night.
Women are attracted to men who will lay aside their hurt feelings and will stand tall, leading his family (even if for one night.....even if it's helping with a three year old.....)and show his kids how a daddy is suppose act when he's home from work.
Women are attracted to men who are confident. When the military takes new recruits, they train them to stand tall with their chin up, shoulders back, chest out, and stomach held in. It's not just to make them look good in a uniform, but to be the total picture of confidence. I can't stress enough just how important it is that your W sees that you are confident in being a man. You may feel far from it, right now, but remember than you won her heart once.....and you can do it again. However, this time around will probably be harder.
This time around, you can't chase her. She liked it once, but she doesn't like it now. Everything you try, is like putting pressure on her. For example.........if you tell her you love her. She knows that you want to hear her say it back to you. The only results from her will be anger. She can see through those "attempts" of trying to get her to say or do things. Believe me, it doesn't work.
Whenever you have one of your moments that you want to grab her and pour out your heart of love, just remember that it will be like setting a match to gasoline. Those type of wrong moves is what pushes women to go from talking about being unhappy one day.....to saying they want a divorce the next. The H is always so dumbfounded and wonders what just happened. It's called "pressure". The H has certain desires and expresses those desire in one form or another, but instead of getting the response he expected......she reacts to the pressure she felt.
So, I hope you will stick with us here, and learn what not to do. It's like Michelle said in one of her books, we may not always know what works......but we usually know what doesn't work. Therefore, don't misunderstand if you start to get more negative advice, than positive, b/c it's just your friends here in the DB community telling you what doesn't work.
Take care.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
