Dealing with Anger

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

Your friend G will say it as he sees it, let him inform you of what he observes because he isn't emotionally involved here and his insights might help you to get your head around a few things.

The interactions with your W about D8 and tantrums, seem really positive. Think of it this way, your daughter has seen change in how you are around her and responded to this change naturally without any agenda. Children express themselves so much better than us adults, ego gets in the way.

About your PMA, like I said on my own thread please do something for you today, something you like doing or have wanted to try and post it here. That part of your life could also use a shot in the arm mate.

Bill

[MrBond]

"W also said that she'd occasionally asked D8 if she wanted to go live with her at some point and D8 had in the past shown excitement at the idea, however, W said that the last time she'd asked, D8 had replied that she was happy with me and that she was ok here. W said she was happy to hear that. I'm not sure what to make of this."

Red flag. She's starting to think of escape plans with your D.

"I'm now quite confused about what to do in my sitch. I thought I was learning and doing the right thing and that my plan was a good one."

Yep.

[Arsene]

"W also said that she'd occasionally asked D8 if she wanted to go live with her at some point and D8 had in the past shown excitement at the idea, however, W said that the last time she'd asked, D8 had replied that she was happy with me and that she was ok here. W said she was happy to hear that. I'm not sure what to make of this."

Red flag. She's starting to think of escape plans with your D.

"I'm now quite confused about what to do in my sitch. I thought I was learning and doing the right thing and that my plan was a good one."

Yep.

Yeah, it crossed my mind Bond. On the other hand, something else she mentioned was that she was thinking that it might not be the best idea to get the tenants out of our house at the end of the lease in March.

When she chose to come to this city, her plan was to take over the house and start a business of some sort (a school/library for local kids). I always thought that when she did, she might want to take D8 away from me but now this.

I actually think (based on the fact that she seems to be reconsidering her decision to live here) that she is probably thinking about moving to the touristic area of the country and that she's fine with D8 being with me. It means she can do what she wants. She'd also mentioned in the past that she'd got an offer to go and sing on cruise ships. I think she is planning her way out, more than planning to take D8 with her. In the life she is living now, D8 would be an inconvenience and added expenses.

[Arsene]

Hey Arsene

Your friend G will say it as he sees it, let him inform you of what he observes because he isn't emotionally involved here and his insights might help you to get your head around a few things.

Yeah, he's often offered a point of view i hadn't thought of. He's quite perceptive and he's also supportive of my standing for my marriage.

The interactions with your W about D8 and tantrums, seem really positive. Think of it this way, your daughter has seen change in how you are around her and responded to this change naturally without any agenda. Children express themselves so much better than us adults, ego gets in the way.


Yes, I thought so too,and the fact that it's been pointed out by W means that she has also noticed.(don't worry 25, I didn't say a thing to W about my chages )

About your PMA, like I said on my own thread please do something for you today, something you like doing or have wanted to try and post it here. That part of your life could also use a shot in the arm mate.

Bill

Funny you said this. I've been thinking about stuff all day and decided to start doing the things I can do with no money (I'm more than a little short these days - until pay day at the end of the month).

In my early posts I mentioned I'd like to give back to the community around here as a huge 180 (all the years I've been here I never really spent much time with my neighours) and I decided that I could build a playground for the local kids. It just happens that the house I just moved in has a huge back yard but it's filled with rubbish of all sorts (looks like the remains of an old building that's been demolished).

I don't know when I'll be able to buy material to build the playground but I decided to start clearing the rubbish, by hand. Put in an hour today, after my meditation and my hour doing laps at the pool.

It felt great. I haven't done that much physical work since I left the army 25 years ago.

Also, on my way back from work tonight, I dropped by a local cafe and managed to get a gig starting next week. I'm not sure how often I'll be playing but it's an hour per night 9-10. Now I just need to get my repertoire polished up.

Thanks for the support Bill.

[chatterbug]

In the life she is living now, D8 would be an inconvenience and added expenses.

Make sure she stays an added expense. She may choose to not be a capable mother. But you can make sure she financially supports your D8.

To the point where if she becomes a dead beat mom she will not be able to leave the country.

I am a firm believer that you should always have the passport in your hands.

[Arsene]

I hear you bug. I am not disclosing my present income to her but she asked me yesterday how much I was making - I was vague, saying I made enough for me and D8 to live and when she pressed on I just had to lie (and i feel bad about it but I feel that she might just take advantage of it if she knew).

She had said that she would pay for D8's school and health insurance but already, she is finding it difficult and said she was shopping for another health insurance.

With what I'm on, I could probably take care of all of these expenses in a few months but I think it's only fair she should contribute to some of D8's expenses. Obviously, if the time came when she couldn't I would cover for her, but probably in the form of a loan.

I am not doing this to punish her but I am not going to help her live this life she is choosing for herself either. IMO, It's also important that she realises that she is still responsible (at least partly) for D8.

Re: W leaving the country with D8? Difficult. Locals pretty much need a visa to go just about anywhere and it's usually a long , costly process. They also get turned down a lot, especially when they can't show sufficient funds.

[chatterbug]

you would only have to do this for the courts on a discovery. Right now it is none of her business.


And it is not punishing her... she is a mother. It comes with some responsibilities. Forced financially if needed.

[Denver_2010]

you would only have to do this for the courts on a discovery. Right now it is none of her business.


And it is not punishing her... she is a mother. It comes with some responsibilities. Forced financially if needed.

^^ Yup. Sounds like you are handling this well Arsene.

[25yearsmlc]

If anything I felt your w's comments were more a reflection of wanting to flee and be free

and not to take d with her. Mostly I would not put a lot of weight into it.

But if that happens, I'd get back to a nation where YOU having physical custody of your d is something permanent. At this rate if you stay there and she's gone, can't she come back when and if she feels like it? And get your d back?

I do NOT think you should change your plans based on ONE days' interactions with your w that were mostly good. Plus the "pay no attention to what they say" has NOT sunk in with you for some reason. Let it sink in.

I happened to think the majority of the comments were good although when she brings up living where YOU wanted, I'd STFU and let her ask you to move to the other area...

if you want to.

But if she does go, without your d then protect yourself and your d.

[Arsene]

If anything I felt your w's comments were more a reflection of wanting to flee and be free

and not to take d with her. Mostly I would not put a lot of weight into it.


I agree 25. That's what I thought as well.

But if that happens, I'd get back to a nation where YOU having physical custody of your d is something permanent. At this rate if you stay there and she's gone, can't she come back when and if she feels like it? And get your d back?



Yes, the reasons why I'm here are 1st, to make sure my D8 is near both parents and 2nd, to try to work things out with W. If she goes alone, both these reasons are gone and I'll be looking at going elsewhere.

I do NOT think you should change your plans based on ONE days' interactions with your w that were mostly good. Plus the "pay no attention to what they say" has NOT sunk in with you for some reason. Let it sink in.



It has sunk in. I'm not making anything of it. Just reporting, really. I don't plan on changing my plan based on this one day or anyone day. I'm sticking with it, for at least long enough to see if anything changes. As you told Denver back then, 90-100 days. That's sounds reasonable to me.

I happened to think the majority of the comments were good although when she brings up living where YOU wanted, I'd STFU and let her ask you to move to the other area...



Yes. I know. I was taken aback.

if you want to.

But if she does go, without your d then protect yourself and your d.



Absolutely. I've thought about this as well.

Thanks 25. As always, very useful.