month 4

[Carnac]

Again no disrespect to veterans who have been here much longer than me, simply a title so I can keep my head straight about where this thing is.

I do have a question for some of the veterans if they have time to chime in. We seperated mid June, and since then there has really been zero movement. I've done a good job of GAL, i've done a good job with NC and not pursuing, I can't say i've done quite so good at detaching, but Im not sure she would know that. Externally i've detached well, internally probably not so much.

Here is my question, 4 months in and no movement do I need to do something different? Or do I keep going down this road for a longer bit and give it more time? And by do something different I certainly don't mean file or anything like that, im talking about do I try to initiate more talks? Do I ask her to dinner? I was at our house last week and saw she was reading a book on co-dependency and detaching. My worry at that point became that by doing the NC thing im helping her accomplish what she's trying to accomplish, although Im not sure what the alternative is because I know for sure that full on pursuing is never going to work.

And I also know she feels like im very controlling so I can't 'push' very hard if at all or she'll be completely convinced i'll never change.

And I know that someone will tell me that NC is for me not for her so I can detach, but lets be honest, as much as im working on myself and am very happy with the changes i've made in my life. This place is still called Divorce Busting so I dont think we'd all be here if we didnt hope that something we 'did' or some of the work we're doing didn't involve giving us another opportunity with our spouse.

Im not trying to be rude when I say that at all and hope that no one will take it that way, but I see on so many threads that people are lambasted for wanting their spouses back and wanting to avoid divorce. While im all for moving 'on' when the time comes, until that day my first goal is to create a situation where my wife and I will have a chance to be together again and work to improve our marriage. So do I continue to stay the course for now or is it time to try something different? And if its time to try whats your suggestion on the something different?

[Denver_2010]

Again no disrespect to veterans who have been here much longer than me, simply a title so I can keep my head straight about where this thing is.

I do have a question for some of the veterans if they have time to chime in. We seperated mid June, and since then there has really been zero movement. I've done a good job of GAL, i've done a good job with NC and not pursuing, I can't say i've done quite so good at detaching, but Im not sure she would know that. Externally i've detached well, internally probably not so much.

Here is my question, 4 months in and no movement do I need to do something different? Or do I keep going down this road for a longer bit and give it more time? And by do something different I certainly don't mean file or anything like that, im talking about do I try to initiate more talks? Do I ask her to dinner? I was at our house last week and saw she was reading a book on co-dependency and detaching. My worry at that point became that by doing the NC thing im helping her accomplish what she's trying to accomplish, although Im not sure what the alternative is because I know for sure that full on pursuing is never going to work.

And I also know she feels like im very controlling so I can't 'push' very hard if at all or she'll be completely convinced i'll never change.

And I know that someone will tell me that NC is for me not for her so I can detach, but lets be honest, as much as im working on myself and am very happy with the changes i've made in my life. This place is still called Divorce Busting so I dont think we'd all be here if we didnt hope that something we 'did' or some of the work we're doing didn't involve giving us another opportunity with our spouse.

Im not trying to be rude when I say that at all and hope that no one will take it that way, but I see on so many threads that people are lambasted for wanting their spouses back and wanting to avoid divorce. While im all for moving 'on' when the time comes, until that day my first goal is to create a situation where my wife and I will have a chance to be together again and work to improve our marriage. So do I continue to stay the course for now or is it time to try something different? And if its time to try whats your suggestion on the something different?

I agree with you about what we are trying to do here on this board. You are trying to save your M. That is why you came here. I also refused the idea that my goal should focus more on improving me rather than saving my M.

However, what I realized is that they come hand in hand. Duel goals. So yes, no contact serves TWO purposes. 1) it IS for you. To protect you. So that you can conserve emotional energy for when you need it down the road. 2) to give your W the space and time that she needs. To let her follow her own path. To find out what she needs for her life. To determine if her life is better off with you, or without you.

As to your question about doing something different... well, I understand your frustration. I do. But, like you said, what is the alternative. Pursuing, which asking to dinner would be, is not the answer, IMO. And Carnac, I know that the last 4 months have seems like a decade, but it really hasn't been THAT long. My sitch was just short of 19 months long. Yes, I had more activity, more ups and downs, than you seem to have. But I think that yours is a little more typical. Your W is still exploring her life, who she is, who she wants to be. You have to let her. And that is going to take time. Lots of it.

As long as she hasn't divorced you, you have a chance. Hell, even if she does D you, you have a chance. You keep going until you know you are done. And you WILL know.

I suggest that you keep doing what you are doing. Reassess at the 6 month mark. Little did I know that I was just starting at the 6 month mark.

I don't think that it would be a bad idea for you to do a little research into MLC (mid life crisis). I'm not saying that your W is in one, but I do think that there are signs. In hindsight, I definitely think that my W was in an MLC. I never really looked into that and handled my sitch as a pure walk away situation. I don't think that it will change things much for you, but it might give you some perspective on what may be going on with her. Just an idea.

Denver

[Carnac]

Denver, Thanks so much for the post. I tend to agree with you, but wanted another perspective on if I should think about changing gears. I do have some concerns over the lack of 'anything' good, bad or indifferent but i'll just continue on this path for now. I really don't think that 4 months is all that long, sure it seems like an eternity to me now but in the grand scheme of things I can see the bigger picture.

I've read up some on MLC, and see some similarities to whats going on with her, i'll check into it more. I've said all along that I think its either MLC or something hormonal. My wife is 41 and my FIL told me that my MIL went into early menopause at 42 and they barely made it through. Unfortunately for me, I can tell you that I was a real jerk alot of times in my marriage so its pretty hard now to mention to her that maybe she should have her hormones checked without looking like im trying to excuse my behavior by blaming her. Actually there's no way i'd ever mention that to her, but hopefully someone else does, or she come's to it herself.

I also agree with you that even if she files, at least for now I wouldnt be done. I dont know when i'll come to the point that I am truly finished, but for now im simply not done with wanting my life to include her. Im all about dual goals.

[Carnac]

I wanted to journal a little this morning, not to really describe so much my situation as I want to remember where I am personally. I still really haven't gotten to the point that I can say I don't care what happens I know I wrote that yesterday but for some reason I feel the need to keep saying it. But even though im not willing to say that, I can say that i've been in an incredibly good place as of late and smile an awful lot.

I have some incredible friends, my son had football practice last night and the three of us who coach as well as a couple of the other fathers were standing around after practice and it was so cool to just be 'normal' again. Even though my wife was not more than 20 yards away I simply wasn't worried about what she was doing or what she was thinking. I can't say that was true for the entire practice, but for more half I would say that I was more worried about enjoying the moment than worrying about what she was thinking. We finished practice and stood around and told stories and laughed for about 20 minutes, then my son and I went to dinner at my best friends house at the invite of his wife. It was just a real cool night and I never mentioned her once to my best friend or his wife. Im sure for them this is a relief as well b/c they've really been the ones i've leaned on for support and i've felt somewhat bad that I always seem to end up at their house whining, but last night we just chatted and had a great evening.

It is interesting to note that when she arrived home last night and we were already in the middle of practice she made sure to catch my eye as she was walking from the garage to the house so she could wave, and then she was outside as my son and I drove away and she was chatting with one of her friends husbands and she stopped to look at us and wave. I know that sounds like im searching, but it was interesting on the first real night when I haven't worried myself sick about what she was thinking that she seemed much more interested in making sure that I knew she was there. LOL I know i'll get some i told you so's and im happy to have them if it means she's gonna start inching this way.

But mostly I just wanted to say that I feel good today. I don't want this post to be about her, or us, today is about me feeling good. My son and I have always had an incredible relationship, but today more than EVER we are so close. Before we seperated she took care of getting him to bed, getting him up, I took him to practices but she did most of the meeting with teachers etc....today I do almost all of it. I dont know why she has less interest, and dont know how much time they actually spend together when he's with her, but being more involved in his life and 'knowing' him has been a wonderful blessing to me. I like to think it would have happened anyway, but honestly I got alot of my information on what was going on in his life from her, today he shares with me on a regular basis and i know everything about his life. Its not the way I wish things were or how I wish they would have happened, but it is a pretty cool outcome of this deal.

[Mrs D]

Carnac,
I can tell how positive and the happy place that you are in today. Good for you!! I hope to be in the same place you are at month 4. I am wearing a smile for you my friend. Sounds like you are finding peace somewhat through everything. Happy TUESDAY!!

[Arsene]

Thanks my friend. It cheered me up just to read you latest post. I guess happiness is contagious after all.

[Carnac]

I'm glad I could bring a smile to someone's face and cheer to someone's heart. It's important that I give back and have gratitude, its really on my heart to make sure and do those two things. Besides, you two in particular and many others on this board have given me kicks in the pants when I need it, and have given me encouragement when i've needed it.

I just feel incredibly encouraged today that I am doing the right things, there is still no guarantees that things work out the way that I want them to in the end, but I know that im travelling the right road.

[roughenough]

Great post Carnac, love it.

[AnotherStander]

We seperated mid June, and since then there has really been zero movement. I've done a good job of GAL, i've done a good job with NC and not pursuing, I can't say i've done quite so good at detaching, but Im not sure she would know that. Externally i've detached well, internally probably not so much.

Here is my question, 4 months in and no movement do I need to do something different?

I'm only 4 months in as well, but based on reading DB and DR (more than once) I'd say that if you've seen no baby steps then you definitely should try something different. If there are no baby steps then what you're doing isn't working.

im talking about do I try to initiate more talks? Do I ask her to dinner?

Definitely don't initiate any R talks. Let her do that. Asking her to dinner is probably a bit much too. A DB move would be more along the lines of coming up with something she might like to do (sailing, ceramics class, whatever) and tell her you're going and ask if she'd like to join you. If she says "no" then act as if that's fine with you, and you go anyway. There's much less pressure in this scenario, she's going along with you to something you want to do anyway rather than being pressured into accepting a "date".

I was at our house last week and saw she was reading a book on co-dependency and detaching. My worry at that point became that by doing the NC thing im helping her accomplish what she's trying to accomplish, although Im not sure what the alternative is because I know for sure that full on pursuing is never going to work.

I know where you're coming from because I want to analyze every little thing my W does as well. But like the DB saying goes, don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Try not to read anything into her actions, just stick to your 180's and give her space to sort through her thoughts and emotions.

[scaredsilly]

carnac, i don't think i've ever posted to you but i felt for you reading your posts today.

i just want you to know that it's been over 8 months since my BD and finally, my H is questioning life without me. as of 8/21, he was sure he would not come home. now, he's emailing me, telling me he's sorry, and, in my mind, questioning his decision.

i don't know what happened other than me telling him i was moving on that day. but, and this is a very BIG but, i was not saying that as a tactic. i was ready and i'm still ready.

i reached a point where i knew i would be better off without him than the limbo i was in and i knew i would be happy because my happiness was returning and i WAS without him.

so, all i can say is give it TIME. people change; she will and you will. look at what cadet said when you first got on here: she's given you the gift of time. that's SO right.

i'm a better person today because of that time and i think my H is, too. i don't know if we will R because i AM better and i will want a better M and that would have to be possible with him.

however, i'm not afraid anymore. i'm happy. you will be, too. give it time and consider yourself fortunate.