I wanted to journal a little this morning, not to really describe so much my situation as I want to remember where I am personally. I still really haven't gotten to the point that I can say I don't care what happens I know I wrote that yesterday but for some reason I feel the need to keep saying it. But even though im not willing to say that, I can say that i've been in an incredibly good place as of late and smile an awful lot.
I have some incredible friends, my son had football practice last night and the three of us who coach as well as a couple of the other fathers were standing around after practice and it was so cool to just be 'normal' again. Even though my wife was not more than 20 yards away I simply wasn't worried about what she was doing or what she was thinking. I can't say that was true for the entire practice, but for more half I would say that I was more worried about enjoying the moment than worrying about what she was thinking. We finished practice and stood around and told stories and laughed for about 20 minutes, then my son and I went to dinner at my best friends house at the invite of his wife. It was just a real cool night and I never mentioned her once to my best friend or his wife. Im sure for them this is a relief as well b/c they've really been the ones i've leaned on for support and i've felt somewhat bad that I always seem to end up at their house whining, but last night we just chatted and had a great evening.
It is interesting to note that when she arrived home last night and we were already in the middle of practice she made sure to catch my eye as she was walking from the garage to the house so she could wave, and then she was outside as my son and I drove away and she was chatting with one of her friends husbands and she stopped to look at us and wave. I know that sounds like im searching, but it was interesting on the first real night when I haven't worried myself sick about what she was thinking that she seemed much more interested in making sure that I knew she was there. LOL I know i'll get some i told you so's and im happy to have them if it means she's gonna start inching this way.
But mostly I just wanted to say that I feel good today. I don't want this post to be about her, or us, today is about me feeling good. My son and I have always had an incredible relationship, but today more than EVER we are so close. Before we seperated she took care of getting him to bed, getting him up, I took him to practices but she did most of the meeting with teachers etc....today I do almost all of it. I dont know why she has less interest, and dont know how much time they actually spend together when he's with her, but being more involved in his life and 'knowing' him has been a wonderful blessing to me. I like to think it would have happened anyway, but honestly I got alot of my information on what was going on in his life from her, today he shares with me on a regular basis and i know everything about his life. Its not the way I wish things were or how I wish they would have happened, but it is a pretty cool outcome of this deal.
