"I mentioned that when I was having IC that it was a big deal for me that my W would need to ask me, so I'd know she wanted to be there."
This isn't going to happen. If you want the M, YOU have to put in the effort for now.
"Maybe I need to set something a little smaller as a goal, need to think about that one."
How many more examples do you need? Everyone has offered suggestions, but you don't want to listen and just want to follow your "plan".
"As far as a boundary for not being part of my W's life whilst she is in contact w/ OM, I'm trying to understand what that means in my sitch, still living with my W and my 2 kids."
Again, how many more examples do you need? Look, you don't have to D your W, you don't have to separate, etc. If there is anything that has to do with the OM, such as bills, time, etc. you don't accomodate. Don't pay for the lessons, don't babysit while she goes out, etc. You've told her you feel disrespected, now act on it.
"I've stayed firm about no physical contact,"
There's no loss for her it seems.
"but we still talk about the children and our day and general talking."
This is fine.
"Saying I will not be part of my W's life, when I can't really avoid living it in my sitch confuses me as to what else I could be doing."
No one said you had to be completely cut out from it.
"I do want to try and give M another shot, but the longer this goes on the harder it is getting to maintain this desire to work things out."
Yes this happens all the time. Basically because you haven't set any goals and have a subconscious timeline.
"it just makes it easier hearing what other people would and have done in similar sitches."
At what point do you stop listening and start doing?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
