Hi all, new to these forums and boy do I wish I had discovered the sooner. Sitch is married 13 years, W married before. 2 boys (12 and 19) eldest from W previous M.
Our youngest has special needs and has been a challenge over the years. W had to give up career to be his main carer. I overcompensated with my career to earn enough to support all of us. I have always been hands on with kids and we have always had a good sex life.
December 11 W admitted she was confused about how she felt. Did not want to discuss it in detail but said she just wanted some time to sort her head out. I gave it to her - still living together but no longer initmate.
Feb 12 I brought up the subject - she said she felt differently about me, she was not sure why or what triggered it but that a number of issues over the years have pecked away and come to a head in last few months. She went away with mutual girlfriend for 3 days to do some walking and clear her head. During this time I did some soul searching and realised a number of areas she was talking about that I could have done better, been more emotionally supportive . I start working on them. She returns from the break, flings her arms around me, we both have a good cry and say we must never let things get to this again, talk more etc.
June 12 I notice W has gone into her closet again. Bring it up and she says feelins come back and won't go away. I book us a short a break away for some quality time without kids.
Return from break and she says still not sure how she feels. I say to take her time, if she needs counselling etc I will support her. She feels she has not had enough emotional support and again this has chipped away so much it effects hopw she feels.
July 12, we talk again and no change in W
End of August I start pushing her (wrong move I know), she finally admits she loves but not in love with me. She says the changes I made are fuelling her anger & resentment (i.e. why could I have not done this years ago), she no longer feels any attraction nor wants to be initimate. I agree seperation but she has to move out with youngest for financial reasons as she could not afford to keep house herself. We agree to hold move off until eldest goes to University on 23 September.
I continue with changes but not being pushy. Be there for her when she needs to talk, ask her about her day, take youngest off her to give her a break etc etc.
We talk this weekend, I tell her I respect decision, agree with what she has said and don't blame her for feeling like she does, she apologises also for keeping things bottled up and not being stronger. I ask about future and if her feelings might change. She says not. She says she could live with me forever but the feelings on being initmacy have gone. She says she does not know what the futurte will hold, wants to remain friends etc, but she needs to do this to find herself, ger herself back and will not back down. We carry on like a married couple (she still cooks etc) I am giving her space going to the Gym and getting a life outside of the marriage.
W and me have been under a lot of pressure last 12 months. Moving youngest sons school because of abuse allegations,eldest going to University, losing home-school transport for youngest so W has to take him when she was just starting to get some independence back. I started a new job with less hours to be around more.
Weired thing is she keeps going back to her childhood - how she always tried to please her mum but got knocked back and how she has beeng doing this in her adult life. Her previous H was abusive towards her - not physically but close and treated her like dirt. She has recently started hooking up with old girlfriends (ones who are divorced/single mums etc but get a lot of financial and support with kids from parents - we have never got that)
For my part she is right re emotional support and truth is our relationship has suffered with the youngest special needs. In the first few years we pulled together and last 2-3 years we have both drifted. Me pre-occupied with work, her pre-occupied with home.
I am desperate to save this, love my family and W more than life, can clearly see my part in all this, have and continued to make changes. Ordered DR the other day but will not arrive till 15 Oct (our Wedding anniversary).
I would love some advice on a) is this workable, b) is there a delaying tactic to give me more time to keep her at home - she is very headstrong and adamant she will not change her mind c) is this WAW or MLC, bit of both? d) how do I deal with the living together as we still talk like best mates and I am worried the more this goes on the more she will see me as that - but to do a full 180 would re-affirm my lack of emotional support in the past!
Thanks in advance - as I say if I had discovered this in December I feel I could have stopped this.
ps no other man involved - she does not have time and a mutual GF confirmed that she is just knackered, fed up and angrey/resentful.
