I wonder if it's because we have so many options in life now. Not really sure why this happens.
I believe she will come around and you will have a stronger marriage for it. I'm so sorry that it has to cause you pain in the meantime. I think if you do as you described above, she is going to realize all she has to do is open her eyes to the man who has been with her and loved her all along.
Pulling for you-
Coming from someone with a lot of experience on this board, this really means a lot to me. I hope you're right, I hope I can hold out long enough, and I love you. (hay, I can't say that to my W right now, so what the heck!)
On another positive note, we have both agreed to not tell any of our family about our situation. Her because she figured she'll be labeled the bad guy for wanting to leave wonderful me, and me because I learned early on from my first 'not to be named' source for marriage saving guidance that telling the world was unhelpful... which DB advice agrees with completely.
I have one friend I confided in, and he "gets it" and is very supportive to me. Still, I can't bury him alive with my problem, that would push him away. Therefore this board provides a necessary support group for us all.
Thank you DB forum members and mods!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Ha ha , honestly no pressure from me [url=Foreverhttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/whistle.gif][url=Foreverhttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/whistle.gif][url=Foreverhttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/whistle.gif]Foreverhttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/images/icons/default/whistle.gif[/url][/url][/url]
And i appreciate yours Forever . Who knows maybe we'll all get to where we need to be in the end , and be really cool chilled out lovely people who get what we deserve !
How do I balance our time apart with our time together?
This is a question I have seen asked in other threads also, but have yet to see answered. On one hand, I don't want to put pressure on her for us to do things together, on the other I figure if I pull away too much it will weaken our connection. Since she wants me to move on without her, it seems if I pull away too much it may send the wrong message. I don't want her to think I've given up on us. Or do I?
I'm planning a road trip to the Rock n roll hall of fame. It's a 7 hour drive from my home. I'm planning to stay two nights there, just me and my thoughts. This will also allow her some time alone at home.
I have not mentioned anything about it to her yet, I figure telling her at the last minute will add to the surprise and mystery. Your thoughts?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
How do I balance our time apart with our time together?
This is a question I have seen asked in other threads also, but have yet to see answered. On one hand, I don't want to put pressure on her for us to do things together, on the other I figure if I pull away too much it will weaken our connection. Since she wants me to move on without her, it seems if I pull away too much it may send the wrong message. I don't want her to think I've given up on us. Or do I? Thanks.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I told her about my solo road trip plans Friday night. She seemed happy with it. Spent most of the day together Saturday, went shopping for clothes. Gave her a light slap on the behind as we left the house and she didn't object. That night while she was sitting on the couch, I came up and brushed her hair, and messaged her head and shoulders. She's only accepted this about 5 or 6 times since March, and only if I just start doing it. If I ask, she always says something like "no, that's ok". Other than these few incidents, physical contact is rare.
On Sunday morning (today) while I was preparing to leave on my trip, she was aloof and emotionally guarded. As I was ready to leave I stalled for a few seconds in hopes that she would hug me goodbye, since I would be gone for 3 days. My thought was, what if I died in a car wreck? Wouldn't she then wished that she hugged me before I left? No hug. She was also cool when I called her a few minutes ago to let her know I made it here safely. I know, I can't control her reactions, but it still bothers me.
On my 7 hour ride in I couldn't stop focusing on our situation and how sad and frustrated I sometimes feel about it. Also wondering how long I'll be able to wait for her to come around. After so many good years together, I feel I can't give up too easily, but I'm not waiting in limbo for years either.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I don't want to put pressure on her for us to do things together, on the other I figure if I pull away too much it will weaken our connection. Since she wants me to move on without her, it seems if I pull away too much it may send the wrong message.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Review what your DB coach said. Does this fit in with that? Have you been distant for your whole marriage? Or were you the pursurer?
You asked how you make it for 2-5 years. My answer is one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time.
It can also make one realize they get along fine without the other.
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Have you been distant for your whole marriage? Or were you the pursuer?
I've been the pursuer for contact, but I also was happy as a loner with my hobbies.
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You asked how you make it for 2-5 years. My answer is one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time.
Right, but I have needs for physical contact that are not only not being met, but I can't even talk about them! Seriously, going without sex is bad enough... but no cuddling, hugging, even holding hands? I don't see how anyone can do this for years.
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Have you read the resources on the MLC board?
Yes, and quite frankly spending too much time there depresses me. Especially the long personal situation threads that just keep on rolling over. The more I read that stuff, the more I want to give up. It seems better (for me) if I just concentrate on trying to have fun. But then I worry she's going to go out and have even more fun, find someone else and leave me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think something else that should be pointed out is an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself. We could have none of THAT! I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC which manifested outwardly between March '02 & March '04, I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I'd gotten rid of om before that but was still trying to live it up. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. It was good to have that pressure off for awhile though. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. There are still times as recently as a week ago that I'll remember something and mention it to my husband and he'll look at me as if to say "did you JUST remember/realize that?" and if I were to answer, I'd say yes. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. It seems I get them back a little at a time. But I FORGOT. I did not see us as my husband saw us.
So you (husbands of MLC wives) really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your lives together. You're the only one that's going to understand her when she comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there...
Anyway after a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer. I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had but ESPECIALLY as he fought me THEN. I had all my family in support of my efforts. Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.
He stood for over 2 years, though. Alone. Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It seemed when in order to save his own sanity he had to let go I started waking up.
You might think that's a shame.
But the rest of my story is still being written.
I don't know why I wrote all that. There are some new people here I guess. Trying to determine if there's hope. Thinking there is hope if it's MLC. To you I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, she will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you. Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to make yourself a person (because you are THE person) she can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love is really unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do.
This isn't just her journey.
You're also here for a reason.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
The more I read that stuff, the more I want to give up.
What would giving up LOOK LIKE?
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
It seems better (for me) if I just concentrate on trying to have fun.
YES - good idea
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
But then I worry she's going to go out and have even more fun, find someone else and leave me.
This is a possibility, why do you have this FEAR? Maybe something to LOOK at.
One thingI know about MLC is that we will keep repeating the cycles that we are in and they will keep getting worse until we do a 180 and change something.
Me no longer trying to save the marriage. Probably give her an ultimatum, which probably won't work.
Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
But then I worry she's going to go out and have even more fun, find someone else and leave me.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
This is a possibility, why do you have this FEAR? Maybe something to LOOK at.
Because this is not a short relationship, it is my whole life. We met when I was 18, and have been together for 33 years. More than anything else, this is why I feel I must give it my best effort.
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One thing I know about MLC is that we will keep repeating the cycles that we are in and they will keep getting worse until we do a 180 and change something.
Eventually we have to choose a course and stick to it, especially when it lasts for years like a MLC can. "Love 'em till they come home" "don't pressure them" and GAL is basically the DR plan in this case. Doing 180's for years isn't going to change a MLC'rs mind, and will mess up your life.
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We can not change them only us.
Words of wisdom.
No more DB for now, I'm off to the Rock and Roll hall of fame!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
